An Open Letter To Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

If you’ve been in a Twinkie-induced coma or have been living with Mole People in a subterranean metropolis, here is a link to get you up-to-date on this whole Mayor Rob Ford nuclear meltdown. A word of caution: you’ll be shaking your head for weeks after reading of this man’s crusade of self-destruction….


All caught up? Excellent, take a moment to drink of the cup of sanity and we will begin.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford,

You don’t know me, nor would you want to, truth be told; I’m not into football, drinking beer with shady characters before smoking crack and I actually have respect for homosexuals. In fact, I think lesbians are awesome!

You can call me The Hook. I am a life-long resident of Niagara Falls, Ontario, but I spent three years studying journalism in your fair city before coming home to serve my city’s many visitors as a bellman in a luxury hotel.

Let’s hear it for higher education and a strong Canadian economy.

On any other day, I would be writing about the tens of thousands of guests I serve, but today is different. Today I find myself compelled to weigh in on a scandal that has dominated the local, national and even global news. Today I find myself motivated to express my anger and disgust at the mess you’ve made of your office, your city and your life, Mayor Ford.

I visit Toronto whenever I can for comic book conventions, tapings of Steven and Chris and whatever excuse I can muster. My heart and loyalty belong to Niagara, but I love Toronto. We both do. In fact, you’re a married man, but as mayor, Toronto is your mistress, the one entity your wife has to share you with. For the greater good, of course.

So why are you hurting your mistress so deeply and publicly, Mayor Ford? As a matter of public record, the following truths are irrefutable.

You are a liar.

I do not use crack cocaine, nor am I an addict of crack cocaine. As for a video, I cannot comment on a video that I have never seen or does not exist. It is most unfortunate, very unfortunate, that my colleagues and the great people of this city have been exposed to the fact that I have been judged by the media without any evidence.

You are an alcoholic with substance abuse issues.

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine,” “[It was] probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago.”

You have become a joke and an embarrassment to your city.

Comedian John Stewart on the Ford scandal: 

“You need help and I don’t mean help carrying a case of beer down in the basement so you can get drunk enough to smoke crack,” Stewart said. “You need help, help.”

He then spoke directly to Toronto residents.

“I heard that your mayor’s approval ratings went up after it came out that he smoked crack,” he said. “You know what that makes you as a city Toronto? Enablers, eh.”

You abandon public commitments such as a weekly weigh-in:

“I don’t care about the weigh-in, I’m not even dieting anymore.”

In short, Mayor Ford, you are weak and manipulative. You appear to be a bully, overflowing with bluster, but short of honor and courage. Weakness and addiction are nothing to be ashamed of, but months of denying your true nature may have irreparable damaged your credibility, to say nothing of the reputation of your city. This is what happened when I typed “Toronto” into Bing’s search engine.

  • News about Toronto

    How much longer can this go on, Mayor Ford? I hate to sound like an after school special, but what about your children? I assume they have electronic devices. Or watch the news. Or have friends. If you refuse to care about how you appear to the people who elected you or the world in general, then what about your family?

    I am a father. I would rather be dead than have to face my daughter when the entire world thinks I’m a liar, a cheat, a joke. 

    I know that somewhere underneath those many layers of arrogance, beer, and bluster, there beats the soul of a good man whose intentions for his city are good. I implore, you Mayor Ford, do whatever you have to, but put that man back in control.

    You don’t give a damn what I think, I know, but ponder this: When was the last time the media reported a story about you that spotlighted a positive reaction for the city of Toronto? You take great delight in reminding people you were elected to do a job, Mayor Ford.

    But you can’t do that job today, can you? Your actions have nullified your ability to govern. It is time to do something about that, Mayor Ford.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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51 Responses to An Open Letter To Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

  1. Le Clown says:

    The Hook,
    Love this…. but really, I don’t know if Rob Ford is ever sober enough to being able to read such fine words…. Speaking of our most illustrious Canadian political figure, have you seen this one?
    Le Clown

  2. Well put Hook, he is a huge embarrassment to the whole country.
    I was sooooo pissed off last night when he refused to step down from office,,and his fake crocodile tears made me want to barf.
    Oh, and I love lesbians too,,,cause my daughter is one and I love her 😉

  3. Gee, I thought only US elected official got away with this stuff. What universe is this type of behavior acceptable? Where are our statesmen and honest ethical leaders? How can we expect such as these to do what is best/right for the country? Grim – it’s not just a TV show….

    • The Hook says:

      We need a few political White Hats – and we need them now!

    • bfg666 says:

      Well, it is common knowledge that people who want the job are the ones who should never have it in the first place, and that the only people rightfully deserving to be in charge are the ones who wouldn’t even think of accepting it…

      Also yes, of course it’s all a TV show, this is obvious much. Just look at how presidential campaigns are staged and scripted. How could it not be, in a time when every single thing in life, from weddings to neighbor feuds, is turned into a TV show? And this staging of politics brilliantly detracts attention from the true rulers of the world, who prefer to remain secret puppeteers pulling their strings behind the scenes.

  4. oh and just saw this one

  5. I want to say something, but I’m at a loss…

  6. dentaleggs says:

    Oh, how I loved this piece, Hook. Loved so much. My stomach hurts from laughing and crying.
    Excuse my ignorance concerning Canadian legalities of this matter but does this fuckstain have to willfully resign on his own to be removed from office? Can he be forcibly removed by the constituency?

  7. Kayjai says:

    We’ve been following the train wreck, too…sad, very sad. Hopefully, Toronto will recover from this mess…

  8. Kayjai says:

    Oh, and just read the comment above mine…’fuckstain’…awesome.

  9. This is what happens to people when they breathe the air that has blown in from Detroit.

  10. Lindsay says:

    LOVE this, Hook. I’m going to share it on my FB page. I think you eloquently say what so many of us Torontonians are thinking and feeling.

    • The Hook says:

      I have my moments ow clarity, Lindsay.
      By the way, I loved your last post. You write with a beautiful honesty and genuine love for your family.
      Thanks for stopping by.

  11. I cannot watch the news anymore.. It’s all about those pesky senators and now Rob Ford. I long for my past days of watching Oakland news– as at least the news changed from day to day. Sad to say we are going to have to listen to this mess for weeks.

    Rob Ford does not care what anyone thinks– and I don’t know why people are so horrified at his stance now. He just does not care— so maybe we should not either..

    Of course he did a great job running the Toronto coffers, so maybe we should find out who was doing his job and appoint them.

    That’s all I have to say.

  12. You speak the mind of many Hook…eloquently and accurately. It is embarrassing to Toronto, The GTA and Canada. At this point it is hard to say what is worse, his actions, his behaviour, his lies or his attitude about the whole thing. Toronto has to find a way of getting rid of him as he obviously detests the city too much to give it a break and step down.

  13. List of X says:

    How can it be that you can’t legally drive a car under the influence of drugs, but you can run a largest city in Canada?

  14. I feel like he is a disgrace to ALL Canadians, not just Torontonians. Thanks for writing this. I don’t think there has been such a disgraceful politician since Ralph Klein (or does Ford still win out? I mean, at least Klein did accomplish some good things for Alberta…)

  15. michd74 says:

    It is rather sad. He does need help! He looks like he is about to have a heart attack! I hope all is well at the Falls! 🙂

  16. Amen to this post. He makes my skin crawl. There is nothing about him I find remotely appealing and the fact that he is still in office after admitting to smoking an illegal substance boggles my mind!!

  17. Katie says:

    Only for you would I be roused from my Twinkie-induced coma, Hook. I actually did hear about this from a coworker, and I just had to investigate. Doesn’t he know Canada is supposed to be setting an example for us down here?

  18. Pingback: Top Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Rob Ford. | The Book of Terrible

  19. Cayman Thorn says:

    I usually have a joke for the occasion, but your post is just so right on that the only thing I can volunteer is this.
    Amen, brother.

  20. I read about this fool last week. Stick his crack pipe up his arse.

  21. HoaiPhai says:

    Thanks for writing what many of us are thinking. Frankly, his having smoked crack — even while holding the title of Mayor — doesn’t bother me nearly as much as his categorical denials of his ever having smoked crack and then admitting it later. Lying and other forms of willful dishonesty should be grounds for expulsion (with revocation of all rights to pensions) from political and governmental office across Canada. Then maybe the Fords and the Duffys of the land would be forced to stage sumo wrestling matches to finance their partying and housing expenses.

  22. mairedubhtx says:

    A wonderful post, Robert.

  23. It should be known that your open letters are my only formal source of cutting-edge headlining news. These and YouTube, of course.
    Which is saying something about your knack for knowing and your (further) knack for knocking on the most appropriate of opportunity’s occasions.
    Well done.

  24. Well said Hook! I have only seen bits and pieces of this story here in the US and that was enough. As soon as I saw him in some godforsaken interview I was speechless.

  25. shimoniac says:

    It’s interesting to note that politicians, big company CEOs, and serial-killers all have similar psychological profiles. They’re all sociopaths; to a greater or lesser extent. It’s always all about them. They lie with conviction, they lie whenever they feel like, even when a lie isn’t necessary, they feel no remorse for their actions, and they have narcissistic tendencies. Rob Ford will take a time-out as soon as one of his handlers can explain to him how this will benefit the only person who matters; Rob Ford.

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