An Open Letter to Deadmau5.

Hello, Joel,

No, this isn’t a joke.

I respect your talent and I think that when it comes to self-promotion, you’re an evil genius. You knew full well that bashing your hometown in the Huffington Post would unleash a storm of public controversy and now that it has you’re no doubt delighting in every story, comment, post , and tweet.

For the uninitiated: “You know what blows my mind? The goddamned haunted houses. There’s twenty of them. Year-round haunted houses. Castle Dracula. Castle Frankendrag, Castle Fucking Whatever. And then there’s Fear Factory. You name it, there’s a haunted house for it. Why is that? How is Niagara Falls synonymous with haunted shit?” 

But wait, it gets better, kids: Salem I can understand warranting a year-round haunted house. Or Castle fucking Dracula, but the actual Castle fucking Dracula,” he says. “Niagara Falls is just this weird anomaly. They were like ‘People love haunted houses! Let’s make more of them.'”

Back to you, Joel.

In this age of social media and rampant star-watching, everyone loves it when celebrities battle it out in a war of words, don’t they, Joel? You’ve become as well-known for your feuds as your musical accomplishments or that giant glow-in-the-dark rodent head.

But I hate one-sided fights, Joel.

Bullies pick fights they can win easily. They steer clear of opponents that present a challenge. You don’t look like a bully to me, but your actions speak volumes. You’re the kid who sets fire to his parents’ carpet to get attention. Unfortunately, once they sit you down they quickly realize you have nothing to say worth listening to.

You crave the spotlight, Joel. Being the grandmaster of your field isn’t enough; you need everyone to know your name. I’m willing to bet that your greatest fear is living a life outside the scope of public opinion. I think part of you will wither and die if some schmuck like me doesn’t go to work tomorrow and ask his colleagues, “Did you hear what that Deadmau5 guy said about Niagara Falls?”

But don’t you worry, Joel, we’re all talking about you now. Of course, most of what we’re saying isn’t fit for print or any form of communication, for that matter. When I’m not engaging celebrities in cyber-battles, I’m a bellman/blogger/failed author. I’ve spent my morning polling guests to gauge their knowledge of you and the place you occupy in pop culture, and ultimately, history, Joel.

Here are some of their responses to the simple question, “Who is Deadmau5?”:

  • “You mean that punk-ass bitch, Zimmerman? I heard what he said about Niagara Falls. Tell him to go fuck himself!”  It’s worth noting that response came from a young lady of eighty-five years named Gladys. Needless to say, Joel, Gladys is not a fan.
  • “I love his work, but he’s a dick.”  Marilyn, 18, was a fan, Joel.
  • “Don’t his parents still live here? You should egg their house!”
  • “Isn’t he from here? What a jerk!”
  • Is that the moron with the Mickey Mouse head?”

You not only stirred up the proverbial hornet’s nest, you dropped a bomb on it. Personally, I don’t mind if you have issues with haunted houses,sir, but something else you said really hit home for me.

“It got me the fuck out of there, that’s for sure. It influenced me that, if I wanted to go anywhere with music, I’d have to go to Toronto. So that was Niagara Falls’s contribution to my music right there: GTFO.”

I hate to break it you, buddy, but millions of people have had to leave the nest in order to seek their fortune. Your response to the public’s reaction to that gem is equally interesting.

“Heres a thought: level one of those f—— haunted houses, and fund a workshop for students or otherwise to enrol in should they want to persue the digital arts.”

Let’s see, who do you know that has a buttload of cash and the drive and determination to make something like that happen, Joel? A coward bashes from a distance, a man rolls up his sleeves, puts others before himself and makes things happen. Think back to that young kid with a head full of dreams and a heart full of talent, Joel; there are dozens of kids like him sitting in homes throughout this city that could use someone to help them out.

I love this city. I met my wife here. (You’ve been burned by love, Joel, so I know you appreciate the rarity and value of true love.)

My daughter was born here. I’ve always imagined you’d make a great dad. (You already have an outfit guaranteed to inspire raucous laughter in a child.)

If I didn’t work here, I would never have met the tens of thousands of souls who populate my stories. Those souls have changed my life, Joel, and each and every one of them knows something you’ve forgotten.

This is one of the greatest cities on the face of the earth.

A city is more than the sum of its attractions, infrastructure and economy. It is the sum of its people. Mom and dad Zimmerman, makers of you, Joel. My family. Mayor Jim Diodati, a leader who isn’t a morbidly obese, substance-abusing clown but rather a man who believes in supporting and encouraging young people.

There stands before you a golden opportunity, Joel, a chance to leave behind a legacy you can be proud of. What you do with this chance is up to you.

Time to prove if you’re a man or a… well, you know.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Life and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

74 Responses to An Open Letter to Deadmau5.

  1. Don;y they always knock where they came from or American Idol or Canadian Idol as in in Ms Jepsen’s call me phase…
    BUT you said it in a very few words..

    “You crave the spotlight, Joel.”

  2. Le Clown says:

    The Hook,
    That might be my favourite article of yours.
    Fuck Deadmau5 anyway. I never cared for his music, even prior to his NF bashing. He’s to electronic music what Miley Cyrus is to innovation…
    Le Clown

    • The Hook says:

      Le Clown,
      I thought of you as my fingers pounded out this message to Joel Zimmerman. I hope the results were as effective as if they had come from your wonderfully talented brain-box.
      I’ll say this about Deadmau5: he’s damn lucky he didn’t pick on Montreal….
      The Hook

      • Le Clown says:

        The Hook,
        I couldn’t have typed anything as eloquent as this… Mine would have been “fuck this” and “fuck that” and “woof woof” and “you’re so vanilla.”
        Le Clown

      • The Hook says:

        That would have worked too.
        In fact, Zimmerman would have had an easier time understanding your rage than my attempted eloquence.

  3. Maybe I’ve been living under a rock but I have to ask: who the fuck is this guy?
    And, I love the Canadian side of the Falls… If he thinks that sucks, he clearly hasn’t driven over the bridge to the American side.

    • The Hook says:

      Joel Zimmerman is a dj and electronic music artist who is at the top if his game.
      And he hates his hometown, apparently.
      Thanks for making me smile. I needed that!

      • Le Clown says:

        The Hook,
        By top of his game, you mean he’s mainstream, which doesn’t make him vital, it just makes him popular. He isn’t part of the makers and shakers of the genre. He’s making ear-pleasant, non-threatening beats in a genre that is defined by much, much better artists.
        Le Clown

  4. Brother Jon says:

    Hmmm, makes me feel good that I only know this fella through spoof videos.

  5. shimoniac says:

    I’m with overit. Before today I’d never heard of the guy, or even the band(?). So, who cares what he thinks. That is if he thinks.

  6. I’m sure this will not keep Mr. Mau/Zimmerman awake at night, but I have no idea who he is and no interest in knowing. Now, Gladys, on the other hand. I think I’d like to hang with Gladys.

  7. Jennifer says:

    Thank god I live where I do. Never heard of him, and sounds like I don’t want to know either.

  8. While you folks have offered up some noteworthy, and valid I might add, criticism of this Zimmerman fellow, I simply say that he’s a pussy.

  9. List of X says:

    Oh great, you made me Google who this is. I read “Zimmerman” and I thought you were referring to the one who shot Trayvon Martin in Florida.
    I guess “GTFO” is the message Niagara Falls can give this guy.

  10. Littlesundog says:

    Oh goody! Other people who come from under rocks!! I have never heard of this guy and clearly he’s as unimportant as a fart in space. I love your ferocity, Mr. Hook! Your passion is inspiring! Now, I will crawl back under my woodland rock…

  11. dentaleggs says:

    Wonderful piece.
    I’ve never heard this man’s music. Not even going to try now. My vote is definitely for Gladys. Now there’s someone I can hang with.

  12. Gizmo says:

    Never heard of the MouseGuy before…Living near Orlando,FL we have enough giant mice to contend with…though if he’d like to take a crack at Disney that would be fine with me

  13. Aussa Lorens says:

    It’s pretentious and an easy fight to pick on your hometown. Someone’s a little big for his britches.

  14. Damn…I am glad I am on your side, I mean I am on your side…right?

  15. He sounds like a snob and a prick

  16. Never heard of the guy. I love haunted houses, though.

  17. I don’t know who this guy is…. However, by the sounds of your letter, it seems like he published a kind of mean piece to the post. My rule of thumb with tho those kind of people: ignore them if you can.

    Have a nice day,

    • The Hook says:

      Ignoring him would have been wiser, its true, but i couldn’t resist. His douchiness just pulled me in.
      Thanks for the perspective, Lindsey.

  18. mairedubhtx says:

    I admire you for standing up to this guy who is dissing your city. You obviously love your city and he seems to be a real jerk. Good for you for taking a stand, Robert!

  19. Pyx says:

    We did have a lot of haunted houses when I was growing up there… but I never saw it as a bad thing, the tourists loved them, some of us got to work our first jobs there in the summer and when we were lucky we got to walk through the dark in the middle of the day holding someone’s hand and maybe stealing a kiss by the rack in the dungeon display.

    Growing up in tourist town isnt for everyone but it certainly makes for great memories: clearly walking around with a big eared mouse mask of sorts someone had Disney Land envy when they were young

  20. Oh-oh… this musician here was not aware of the existence of this Joel person. Doesn’t seem like anyone I’d like to listen to either [btw I love electronic music].

  21. Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm. But the harm does not interest them.
    T. S. Eliot

  22. TBM says:

    I don’t know him either. Way to stick up for your town!

  23. Whenever I see, or hear, someone doing something just for the attention, I try to just ignore it. It gives me a small bit of satisfaction knowing that I’m not giving them what they want.

  24. RageMichelle says:

    This is awesome. Don’t know much about this controversy… but If I ever need to put someone in their place, I’m looking to you for help.

  25. What an idiot. 12 hours of an IronMan marathon I handled just fine….loved every minute actually and would do it again in a heartbeat. Waiting three hours to see Deadmau5 because he thought so highly of himself that he didn’t care how long he kept his audience waiting was too much for me. We walked out before he hit the stage. Hadn’t heard this recent news on him, but can’t say I’m surprised. He’s no IronMau5. 😉

  26. This is me standing on my desk cheering you on Hook. There is a long line of incredibly talented people who came out of Niagara Falls and are proud of it. This guy who is only well known to his particular niche of talent may be at the top of his game but let’s face it he is small game. Considering he is a Zimmerman, a family well steeped in the history of Niagara Falls, he should be ashamed of himself. There are Zimmermans turning over in their grave.

  27. Katie says:

    I’m so sorry Mickey Mouse: DJ edition is from the city you love. You showed him what’s what!

  28. stephrogers says:

    That was awesome. Aussies are all about loyalty, and this guy is, well, un-Australian. PS remind me never to get on your bad side, ouch!

  29. Daile says:

    What a douchebag. I agree with Steph, very unAustralian.

    • The Hook says:

      Indeed. He’s behaving like a douchecopter extraordinaire. His mom – who still lives in the city – is defending him all over the local paper’s website.
      I guess a mouse lets his mom fight his battles.

  30. Saturn With Earrings says:

    That was an inspiring post! Well done. I don’t follow Deadmau’s comments though I do listen to his music. You don’t hear much about his opinions in India after all. But that was a power house of a defense Hook! Great job 🙂 Loved reading this and you’re right on several points. A man rolls up his sleeves and DOES something.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s