I respect your talent and I think that when it comes to self-promotion, you’re an evil genius. You knew full well that bashing your hometown in the Huffington Post would unleash a storm of public controversy and now that it has you’re no doubt delighting in every story, comment, post , and tweet.
For the uninitiated: “You know what blows my mind? The goddamned haunted houses. There’s twenty of them. Year-round haunted houses. Castle Dracula. Castle Frankendrag, Castle Fucking Whatever. And then there’s Fear Factory. You name it, there’s a haunted house for it. Why is that? How is Niagara Falls synonymous with haunted shit?”
But wait, it gets better, kids: Salem I can understand warranting a year-round haunted house. Or Castle fucking Dracula, but the actual Castle fucking Dracula,” he says. “Niagara Falls is just this weird anomaly. They were like ‘People love haunted houses! Let’s make more of them.'”
Back to you, Joel.
In this age of social media and rampant star-watching, everyone loves it when celebrities battle it out in a war of words, don’t they, Joel? You’ve become as well-known for your feuds as your musical accomplishments or that giant glow-in-the-dark rodent head.
But I hate one-sided fights, Joel.
Bullies pick fights they can win easily. They steer clear of opponents that present a challenge. You don’t look like a bully to me, but your actions speak volumes. You’re the kid who sets fire to his parents’ carpet to get attention. Unfortunately, once they sit you down they quickly realize you have nothing to say worth listening to.
You crave the spotlight, Joel. Being the grandmaster of your field isn’t enough; you need everyone to know your name. I’m willing to bet that your greatest fear is living a life outside the scope of public opinion. I think part of you will wither and die if some schmuck like me doesn’t go to work tomorrow and ask his colleagues, “Did you hear what that Deadmau5 guy said about Niagara Falls?”
But don’t you worry, Joel, we’re all talking about you now. Of course, most of what we’re saying isn’t fit for print or any form of communication, for that matter. When I’m not engaging celebrities in cyber-battles, I’m a bellman/blogger/failed author. I’ve spent my morning polling guests to gauge their knowledge of you and the place you occupy in pop culture, and ultimately, history, Joel.
Here are some of their responses to the simple question, “Who is Deadmau5?”:
- “You mean that punk-ass bitch, Zimmerman? I heard what he said about Niagara Falls. Tell him to go fuck himself!” It’s worth noting that response came from a young lady of eighty-five years named Gladys. Needless to say, Joel, Gladys is not a fan.
- “I love his work, but he’s a dick.” Marilyn, 18, was a fan, Joel.
- “Don’t his parents still live here? You should egg their house!”
- “Isn’t he from here? What a jerk!”
- Is that the moron with the Mickey Mouse head?”
You not only stirred up the proverbial hornet’s nest, you dropped a bomb on it. Personally, I don’t mind if you have issues with haunted houses,sir, but something else you said really hit home for me.
“It got me the fuck out of there, that’s for sure. It influenced me that, if I wanted to go anywhere with music, I’d have to go to Toronto. So that was Niagara Falls’s contribution to my music right there: GTFO.”
I hate to break it you, buddy, but millions of people have had to leave the nest in order to seek their fortune. Your response to the public’s reaction to that gem is equally interesting.
“Heres a thought: level one of those f—— haunted houses, and fund a workshop for students or otherwise to enrol in should they want to persue the digital arts.”
Let’s see, who do you know that has a buttload of cash and the drive and determination to make something like that happen, Joel? A coward bashes from a distance, a man rolls up his sleeves, puts others before himself and makes things happen. Think back to that young kid with a head full of dreams and a heart full of talent, Joel; there are dozens of kids like him sitting in homes throughout this city that could use someone to help them out.
I love this city. I met my wife here. (You’ve been burned by love, Joel, so I know you appreciate the rarity and value of true love.)
My daughter was born here. I’ve always imagined you’d make a great dad. (You already have an outfit guaranteed to inspire raucous laughter in a child.)
If I didn’t work here, I would never have met the tens of thousands of souls who populate my stories. Those souls have changed my life, Joel, and each and every one of them knows something you’ve forgotten.
This is one of the greatest cities on the face of the earth.
A city is more than the sum of its attractions, infrastructure and economy. It is the sum of its people. Mom and dad Zimmerman, makers of you, Joel. My family. Mayor Jim Diodati, a leader who isn’t a morbidly obese, substance-abusing clown but rather a man who believes in supporting and encouraging young people.
There stands before you a golden opportunity, Joel, a chance to leave behind a legacy you can be proud of. What you do with this chance is up to you.
Time to prove if you’re a man or a… well, you know.