In honour of All Hallows’ Eve – and an annoying case of writer’s block in terms of two projects I’m working on – here are 31 things that terrify me, The Hook, to my Canadian core.
31) People that consider Justin Bieber an artist. Ignore the monkey incident, the Selena Gomez break-up and the innumerable public screw-ups if you like, the kid is just plain creepy. The “young lesbian who longs to be just like her big brother” schtick has grown old and scary, kids.
30) Old men who wear long black socks with shorts – in October. What the hell?
29) Erectile dysfunction. (To every single man who just read this: I apologize. Just breathe and you’ll be fine in a minute. I promise.) I’m a forty-something, white male. I’ve been lucky so far, but the odds are against me, ladies.
28) Hookers with empty eyes. Young ladies who sell their affections for money and are well-adjusted and genuinely happy with their life choice are few and far between. I’ve lost track of the number of prostitutes I’ve encountered who are broken inside. It is easy to forget that these ladies used to be someone’s little girl. I have a daughter and I can’t imagine any set of circumstances that would motivate her into allowing strangers to defile her for little strips of paper.
27) Jimmy Kimmel’s success. In my humble opinion, the man is only amusing if you’ve suffered a brain injury.
26) Travellers who use grandma’s wheelchair as a luggage cart. This comes as no surprise to long-time readers, but when I see a senior citizen stumbling through my lobby while their mode of transport is filled with cases of beer and suitcases, I fly into a murderous rage.
25) Outdated laws that prevent me from throttling hotel guests – or any human being for that matter – who are too stupid to live. Someone has to start playing judge, jury and executioner to these douchecopters and I’m just the bellman to do it.
24) Home owners who give out apples or dental floss on October 31. You deserve every egg that strikes your windows, you bastards. The Jonas Brothers just broke up. Haven’t children suffered enough?
23) The Kardashians. They endorse tanning as a viable way for women to feel thinner. They stage fake marriages. They reproduce. Will their reign of terror ever end?
22) Kevin O’Leary wannabes. I see one every week; a vain, ridiculously shallow douche in an imitation power suit. His car is leased. His girlfriend is rented. His wad is just for show. He watches every episode of Dragons’ Den and Shark Tank and walks around referring to colleagues as “cockroaches” with a smug manner that even his false idol would find offensive. Personally, I enjoy watching Mr. Wonderful work and I know he’s a decent man – he posed for a pic with my daughter with all the warmth of an automaton, but let’s face it, he didn’t have to, so he gets points for his generosity – but his public image is a a bit reckless at times. To all those wannabes out there, I say this: It’s not the money that makes people want to emulate you, fellas, it’s what you do with it.
21) Twinkies. They don’t spoil. I don’t know about you, but that scares the willies out of me. Then again, willies sound like something you shouldn’t have in your body anyway, so perhaps Hostess is doing me a favour….
20) An untimely demise. The prospect of death doesn’t really bother me, honestly. I imagine it would be cool to have the secrets of the universe laid bare before me. But I want to grow old with my wife. (Actually, I don’t want to grow old at all. The idea of having old man ball is beyond terrifying.) I have a daughter that I want to see graduate college, get married, have kids, or whatever she wants to do with what is sure to be an epic life. So I hope the Reaper keeps his distance for a good long while.
19) The Bruce Jenner of Today. I grew up idolizing the Bruce Jenner of the 70s. I have no idea who the hell that shell of a human being using his name is, but I miss the man who encouraged kids to down a box of Wheaties and run until they puke. That guy was cool.
18) The “lazy” horror movie. The Cabin in the Woods was a smartly-written, self-aware horror flick. The average creepshow being shown in multiplexes all over the world right now, isn’t. A gorefest that is devoid of true story substance is just the result of laziness and the hunt for a quick buck.
17) Pink Floyd’s The Wall. The movie trailer gave me nightmares for years. The actual film was beyond ridiculous. The song reminds me of the film, so I’ve never been able to listen to the full version in decades. My family just laughs at that fact and on more than one occasion they’ve cranked the radio up until I threaten to run the van into a guard rail or off a cliff. Ah, domestic bliss.
16) Lady Gaga. Yes, she has talent pouring out of her body and over that meat dress, but she’s just bat crap crazy. Honestly, I firmly believe the woman, if tested, would be committed to a home for those folks who prefer to wear coats with pockets in the back. Then again, she’d be running the joint in a week….
15) Those of us who lament our lot in life. We all do it. I’m no exception. This post was written to stimulate my stunted creative process; I’ve been wrestling with writing two separate books while helping my daughter’s dreams become a reality. As I sat at my desk scribbling in a notebook, a middle-aged guest approached.
He was wheelchair bound. His right arm was malformed. His spirit was bent, but not broken. “Its bad enough being in this chair, but having an arm like this makes it worse.” he lamented as he struggled to hand me the coat laying across his lap.
“It could always be worse,” I reassured him as I handed him a claim tag for his bag and coat, “you could be Stephen Hawking.”
“The scientist guy? Yeah, he’s fucked!” he declared, launching into a fit of raucous laughter. “Thanks, buddy. I needed that!”
“Likewise. See you soon.”
Told you we all did it.
14) The prospect of society degenerating and staging real-life Hunger Games. I’d be dead in two minutes.
13) The release of a new album by Celine Dion. She looks and often acts, otherworldly but not in a good, Star Trek way. She married a man that was not only 25 years her senior, but also, for a time, her legal guardian. Her music has done more harm to the human race than the Black Plague. (I can’t back this up scientifically, but you can trust me, I’m a bellman.)
12) Weeping Angels. Doctor Who For Dummies: Weeping Angels are killer aliens of unknown origin. At first glance they appear to be ugly, pissed off statues, but if you blink, they attack. With a touch, a Weeping Angel can send a person into the past, to before his/her own birth. The Angels feed off the “potential energy” of the years their victims would have lived in the present. They suck.
11) People who don’t know what Weeping Angels are.
10) Growing old. To be clear: death doesn’t scare me, but the many limitations of our fragile, mortal form chills me to the centre of my being. Those of us with vast wealth can afford medical treatments designed to make our golden years more tolerable, but most of the world suffers at the terror known as old age.
9) My many failures as a writer. I’ve said enough on this subject to fill a second book. Assuming I could finish it, that is. Time to move on.
8) The possibility of failing my child. My crusade appears to have failed. Sarah understands, but that doesn’t lessen my burden. Any father worth his salt lives to see his child smile. Period.
7) The fact that Chris Brown is walking the streets. Yes, I know he’s actually too famous to walk – he probably has a driver named Moe – but you get the point, right? The truth is, Brown is an abuser, an arrogant ass, an elitist who fancies himself above the law and he is, in my opinion, a complete waste of space. And I’ll say this: if he beat my daughter and she reconciled with him on multiple occasions, they’d both be leaving this world in a hurry. (Hey, I brought her into this world, and if needs be, I’l take her out.)
6) Fruitcake. The food – if you want to call it that – not the term for crazy people or Kardashians.
4) Fear itself. Apparently it is all we have to fear. Except I’ve thought of thirty other things to fear, so the claim is a little misleading.
3) Misleading claims.
2) Those tense moments right before I knock on someone’s door to deliver their luggage. I’ve walked in on:
- Couples making the beast with two backs. (And trust me, most folks look nothing like actual porn stars.)
- Battered spouses.
- Rugrats driven into a frenzy by a breakfast of Red Bull and a bag of unrefined sugar.
- Too many horrors to list here.
Even after 16 years, I know I have yet to scratch the surface of the surprises humanity has in store for me….
1) Losing my wife. Every sixth month that passes brings another battery of tests for breast cancer. Another battery of tests brings another wave of fear and anxiety to the woman I love. Watching the woman I love in the grip of the unknown is like having my heart squeezed. By Lou Ferrigno.
And after 1,632 words, that, my friends, is my list of personal fears. I could say more, but I’m knackered. I hope this exercise is helpful and I can return to my writing of the fictional and non-fictional nature.
Be well, kiddies. Enjoy all that Halloween has to offer.
What can I say about the graphic?
I’m a guy. I spend too much time away from my wife.
You do the math.