It is 7 am. It is Monday. The midnight bellman has just informed me of the presence of a young, nubile, completely naked female in her twenties who found herself locked out of her room on the 25th floor.
And where was I?
At my desk minding the store until we can start retrieving luggage for the next bus of Japanese tourists due to check out, that’s where. (It feels like we’ve served thousands of bus passengers this season, but that’s only because we have.) If you feel horrible for me, you should.
Moving on….
Being the humanitarian I am, I’ve decided to share my wisdom with a world desperately in need of a guidance, especially after a weekend that saw Miley Cyrus host the season opener of SNL. Never mind Syria, why can’t President Obama launch a military strike against Billy Ray’s progeny? Its obvious she is a living, bellowing (the caterwauling she produces is not music), twerking weapon of mass destruction. Don’t believe me? Ask any female under a certain age and they’ll tell you that declaring Hannah Montana dead on national television is an act of war.
In fact, I just had a conversation with an 85-year-old grandma (old folks get up at 4 am so she was wide awake) about Miss Miley and her thoughts were succinct, befitting one who knows better than to waste time, I suppose.
“That bitch is crazy!”
I love old folks. They smell like cheese and regret, but they rock. The best part about seniors? After they’ve read my book, they forget all about it and have to read it again. It never gets boring for them.
At any rate, here are a few things I’ve learned from Bus Season 2013:
1) Just because you’re a four-foot Japanese tour guide with Red Bull running through your veins doesn’t mean you can handle a luggage cart overloaded with hardshell Japanese luggage. Trust me, you will lose control of the cart and watch in terror as it rolls into traffic. And your bellman will laugh out loud without experiencing any remorse.
2) Asian tourists sound like munchkins on crack when attempting to curse.
3) Laughing at Asian tourists who sound like munchkins on crack while attempting to curse just pisses them off. Which makes them curse even more. Which makes you laugh even harder. The cycle is vicious and seemingly-never-ending.
4) If positioned properly, you can fit 39 Japanese tourists in a single luggage bay of a bus. But you didn’t hear that from me. Engaging in such experimentation would be a violation of the Universal Bellman Code of Conduct. if such a thing existed, that is. Which it doesn’t Thank God.
5) Attempting to keep a promise a to engage in a blogging hiatus during bus season is impossible. (I love my family, but I need to blog occasionally in order to maintain my sanity. Period.)
And that’s me for now, folks. Sarah’s book is still humming along nicely, with more illustrations and revisions fitting into place. Ellen DeGeneres remains as unreachable as ever, but the crusade is far from over. 2014 should be they year of Misery. The Misadventures of Misery, that is!
Good luck surviving Monday, guys and gals….
You've Been Hooked! 
Hmm. Some old people are just plain … Better off dead. You seem to meet the half decent ones. Miley. Now there’s a conversation starter if ever there was one. Don’t hate me for this, but I don’t mind her new song, the clip is debatable though, and points 3 and 5, definitely good for the soul.
My daughter doesn’t’ mind Miley’s new tune either, so you’re in good company, Jennifer.
Thanks for the support and high praise.
Good company, support and praise are my middle names… ;-/
That’s a mouthful. Must be a bitch to get ID cards!
Hmm, ;-/
Hey! Hope all is well with you, haven’t commented over here in a while. Personally I think that Miley is going through a similar thing to Britney’s whole head shaving period – all just a consequence of the pressures of early stardom, showing itself in different ways! I’m pretty sure Miley will look back in a few years and say “What was I thinking?!” I think we should show some compassion in the meantime…
Apparently, Miley’s “people” have designed this whole “existential crisis” to raise her profile and unfortunately for the rest of us, it seems to be working!
Her people have a lot to answer for!
You’re telling me!
Yup! The whole Miley Cyrus debate has really blown up across the interwebs and elsewhere, hasn’t it? In the Saturday Guardian, there was a full page article about Miley’s row with Sinead O’Connor (http://www.theguardian.com/music/2013/oct/04/sinead-oconnor-miley-cyrus). There’s plenty of bitching going on there, after the Irish singer wrote an open letter to Miley on her blog. Miley sure wasn’t impressed by the O’Connor’s thoughts.
I normally try to steer clear of celebrity gossip but I’m observing this as an interested bystander. Heck, you’d have to be living under a rock to avoid hearing about it! I’m the same age as Miley and from my perspective her attitude seems very childish and immature, especially her comments about mental health issues. But at the same time, I feel sorry for her and I agree with Vanessa-Jane’s comment: showing compassion is a good idea!
Have a happy Monday!
Compassion is rarely applied to celebrity meltdowns; people tend to simply slip onto Twitter and join the “hateathon”.
I don’t feel bad for Miley, but only because I believe this whole situation was designed to direct her career into another, supposedly “grown-up” direction. It has actually worked – to a point. Perhaps Sinead has taken notice and is simply trying to jump on the Miley bandwagon?
Enjoy your Monday as well.
Thanks for stopping by!
“I believe this whole situation was designed to direct her career into another, supposedly “grown-up” direction” — hmm, you’re probably right about that. It’s clear that the majority of celebrity ‘culture’ is carefully and skilfully engineered. Amid the furore, Miley is probably the one having the last laugh.
I cracked up when reading this; “I love old folks. They smell like cheese and regret, but they rock. The best part about seniors? After they’ve read my book, they forget all about it and have to read it again. It never gets boring for them.” That’s brilliant. :p
I think Miley wouldn’t be so bad if everyone would stop freaking out and broadcasting everything she does on CNN. She’s hardly done anything worse than any other pop star before her. I’m sure she’ll grow out of this phase.
I’m sure she doesn’t want to grow out of this phase. She desperately wants to be the next Gaga!
Oh please. No more Gaga. One was definitely enough.
I have to agree!
Interesting that I was reading this while watching Miley perform on the Today Show this morning and then be interviewed. She states she’s an artist and knew exactly what she was doing and its great that people are still talking about her and…buying her album. Btw, the crowd, many of who camped out for days, was huge.There is no accounting for taste. For the record, I think Miley is just ok. A PINK wannabe and no one can top PINK.
Pink stayed at the hotel years ago. At that time she had just reconciled with her husband, who was in town to open a tattoo parlour in the tourist district. We were under orders to avoid bothering Pink as she didn’t wish to draw attention away from her husband. A noble gesture, to be sure.
“She states she’s an artist” This is probably the most preposterous thing to ever come out of her mouth. After her tongue, that is.
The really sad part about little Miley is….she is getting EXACTLY what she wants! Attention~ Isn’t there a saying in entertainment? “There is no such thing as BAD press?” groan…that poor girl has some real issues she is trying to work out in public 😦
I love old people too. My grandmother is 98 and my genetic source for my (warped) sense of humor! I never could talk to her on the phone while driving because I almost ran off the road laughing…..she is the greatest. I figure if you live long enough, you have earned the right to say whatever the hell you want~~
Rock on Bellman of Niagara Falls! 🙂
I couldn’t have said it better myself, Courtney. Miley knows exactly what she’s doing!
I agree, she wants attention and the media is playing right into it. She hasn’t gone crazy she is employing a business strategy and it is working- the name on everybody’s lips is gonna be… Miley
I pay so little attention to the media and sensationalism. What Miley Cyrus does is her own experience and either we engage in that circle or we don’t. If my life was to be critiqued, I am sure I would be more drawn to those who tried to have understanding for my situation and experiences, who showed compassion rather than judgment.
Miley’s type of music and entertainment isn’t appealing to me, so I don’t watch it. I grew up in the 70’s and much of the music and dress, free sex and use of mind-expanding drugs was not accepted widely either. Yet, that generation (as others before) are the greatest teachers of our time.
There are consequences to every choice we make… we see this from generation to generation. Why do we still continue to focus on negativity? Allow and let the experience be the teacher… have understanding. Who knows what wisdom Miley may attain from this experience?
You have a big heart, my friend. Personally, I hope Miley grows as an artist and human being – and puts some clothes on.
THERE IT IS!!!……THAT’s what my hubby TOM just said as I read this Friggin Funny Post of yours HOOK….”NAKED LADY” the T&A is Back!….LOL….LOL….Miley needs to QUIT USING the :Freedom Of Speech” card and GET A LIFE! OH….if only SHE was my Daughter,……She will look back on all that she had done with her *Naked Ball* video 20 or 30 years done the road and say to herself…..*WTF was I Thinking*???…..LOL….I do have to SHARE, I think My *HERO* HULK HOGAN DID a way better VERSION of Miley’s swinging Ball Video……AT least Hulk has a better lookin ASS!!…..Another Classic HOOK!! “Thanks for the Memories”……A classic BOB HOPE line…..Another OLD GUY that Smells like CHEEZ!! Hugs!xxoo….Catherine 🙂 🙂
Tell Tom I’m sorry I wasn’t able to elaborate on the naked 25-year-old, Catherine!
Thanks for stopping by and making my day!
You kill me with laughter every time, Mr. Hook. “twerking weapon of mass destruction,” love it, just purely love it! Thanks for the lol today.
And thank you for the visual feast on your blog!
Why hullo. Good to hear from you again^^
How many Japanese buses did you take care of exactly? Because it seems like they took over your area for the past month or so.
Three this morning, but overall?
I’ve lost track!
I’m really looking forward to the day when you finally snap and start stuffing Asian tourists in storage compartments.
Me too – sort of.
I’m afraid I have always thought Asian tourists sound like munchkins on crack. There have been times I have been trapped in the middle between two of them and had tears running down my face and a little blood coming out of my ear. I know it is my super sensitive hearing to blame but I always end up having to take medication and lie down.
I feel your pain, Michelle -literally!
Haha! Miley Cyrus, a weapon of mass destruction. I could not agree more!
I love old people too. What’s not to love? There’s that cheese smell (which you do get used to after a while), hilarious opinions in infinite supply, and butterscotch candies. Old people are the best!
Why do old folks fill their pockets with butterscotch candies, anyway?
Thanks for dropping by, partner!
Maybe Miley Cyrus will show up in your hotel one day. In fact, maybe that naked wanderer on the 25th floor was her…
I sure hope it wasn’t her, Carrie; I’d never forgive myself for missing that opportunity for prime blog fodder!
Oh, yes, that would be the most prime fodder of all…
Indeed! That post would no doubt launch this blog into the stratosphere!
Oh, Japanese tourists – just shaking head from shared experiences.
I know Miley thinks she’s clever and know what she’s doing….but so did all the others…you only hope she makes it through …Miley honey, when you say “I know who I am”….repeatedly…yeah…they al say that..repeatedly. Just don’t let the singing get lost in the circus.
Great giggles as always, Hook.Thanks
I figure I owe for all the times you’ve stirred my soul.
Thank goodness for bus season since it allows you break your blogging hiatus once in a while ;-).
Miley who?
Or goodness, even. Good grief.
You’re allowed a hiccup every once in awhile, my friend.
By the way, I love the fact you said “Miley who?”
LOL!! Who??? Good one~ 🙂
As soon as I finish laughing and pick myself up off the floor, I will feel sorry for you!
No rush.
phew that’s a relief!
New Campaign: Ban Miley Cyrus from the airwaves worldwide…Think about it…Just finished reading Hotel Babylon and it was disappinting…You are much more entertaining
That is one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever received. Now if I can only duplicate the success of this post while writing my second book, I’ll be golden.
I believe I’ve evolved as a writer over the last year, so hopefully I’ll be able to impress you once more.
Maybe you can get that TV show too 🙂 Saw you visited me at my old blog …self-hosted now at http://www.terriertorrent.com...
One thing at a time, Gizmo!
I need to finish a polished, engaging second book and then maybe, just maybe, I can convince some one of my value in the TV game.
Maybe.
Sign me up for the pre-pre-pre order of Sarah’s book.
Also, I thought the sketch about the Fifty Shades of Gray casting was hilarious on SNL, and I hate to say it, but I didn’t think Miley’s voice was too bad during her performances.
Being an “old guy”, I was far too wiped out to watch her entire performance, I’m afraid. The show started a half-hour late in Niagara, and so I was forced to shut the squawk box off and get some shut-eye.
Thank God for YouTube.
And by the way, Sarah appreciates your advance support, Katie!
okay, this is a note to …humanity: There can only be one person who will successfully combine, a group of Asians, 39 Japanese tourists, munchkins on crack, a grandma, Obama (they rhyme too!), a humanitarian, Syria and what’s her name, in one text, so well that it would be a crime not to read it! 🙂 !!!
You are my hero, Marina.
Hi Hook! If the sweet, cheese-lovin’, old people forget about your book, be sure they buy another copy when they’re ready to read it again! 😉 Glad to hear Sarah’s book is humming along!
Thanks, Maddie!
Sarah couldn’t be happier to see her vision finally coming to life!
Is it the same hysterical japanese tour guide you’ve already talked about or do they just clone them?
They clone them I believe – by the millions!
As far as I’m concerned, anyone called Miley is better off dead, really. Couldn’t they have called her a proper name, like Elizabeth or Tracy-Charlene? Also I think you may have uncovered a secret market there for our books!
Tracy-Charlene?
Awesome!
And thanks for recognizing my marketing brilliance….
I’m looking forward to getting old and speaking my mind. Not sure about the 4am bit yet, but it might be a small price to pay for complete verbal freedom.
Nah, I love sleep too much to rise at that hour voluntarily!
Suddenly I want to change career paths and become a midnight bellman. My goodness. Right now I work in a law library; no one is getting naked here. That I know of.
You’d think lawyers would be all over each other, with words like “briefs” and “probe” figuring so strongly in your profession….
Love love love this! Too funny Hook as always! This Myley Cyrus thing is a trainwreck. I have to ask. I came in late to the party: Are you on hiatus? Say it ‘ain’t so! Though we are still getting your fab posts, and for that I’m thankful. Don’t wander too far!
I am indeed on hiatus, Tammy.
Simply put, my plate is ridiculously full right now, and most days I find myself hopelessly blocked, I’m afraid.
There is good news, though: I am finally working on my second book! I’ve learned many painful lessons from my first foray into self-publishing and those lessons have remained first and foremost in my mind as the second book sloooowly comes together.
Thanks for the support. I hope to be back soon!
Hahaaa! A military strike against Billy Ray’s progeny is definitely in order! 😀
Continuing to root for you to reach Ellen, my friend!
Thanks, I could use all the positive energy I can gather!
Except for this post, I’m boycotting anything and everything Miley. By acknowledging her whorishness, you’re giving her what she wants and I don’t want her to keep getting what she wants.
You’re right, Revis; I’ll adjust my actions accordingly.
Miley schmiley…who gives a f*** !!!
Miley apparently wants the world to know she gives many many fucks…
Seems so…what I don’t understand is why people keep dragging out her moments of fame. So many other things are so much more important in this world. She has some talent but trades on sex to cover up the deficiencies and every man and his dog seems to help her along by discussing it.
The answer is simple though: people are mostly shallow and indoctrinated into liking dumb commercial stuff. It’s a modern version of Rome’s bread & games, designed to keep the masses satiated, thus preventing them to look too closely at the real issues.
I had never heard that term ‘Rome’s bread and games’ before. What an interesting concept it is. Yes I think you are right [sadly]. These days the media does much to harm, and is definitely responsible for diverting the masses from the important issues. I see it here happening in New Zealand all the time. The media totally ignore certain issues to the point that most of the populace don’t even know the issue exists until it is too late. The one light I see these days is the alternate media outlets that are developing due to technology. Sadly though at this point many of the masses are so dumbed down that they either don’t bother to explore alternate points of view in search of truth, or they consign those POV to the ‘conspiracy theory’ box.
Uh, yeah, it seems I mixed up the Roman circus games and the infamous Marie Antoinette statement. In my defence, they both served the same purpose and my bedtime was way overdue…
I love old people too – they have such great stories! Oh, and my book is a hit with them too!
Glad to hear we’ve both found an untapped market!
I am for the military strike against billy
I appreciate your support.
What should make you feel better about missing out on a naked female when helping out a busload of Japanese tourists is that naked females almost never give out any tips. In fact, in certain establishments THEY expect to be tipped! Or they expect you to buy their albums.
Well, it’s not like they have any pocket to put their change in, is it? Except, umm… you know.
I defended Miley at first. I felt she was being misguided and would soon regret something that would always follow her, unlike the ill-advised actions adventures most of us embark on. Now, I’m on the fence. I always thought her Dad was a pretty face without a lot of depth and now I feel the same about her, but I feel a little better about him. Then again, who gives a fuck what I think-I would not if I were either of them. I’m sorry I swore on your blog. I tried to think of another word that would work better, but sometimes no other word can really convey your emotional response to a specific stimuli, so I left it as is.
Curse away, we’re all adults here – for the most part.
At least old people don’t mince words, at least most of the time. They’ve been around long enough not to care what anyone thinks.
As for Miley. Let’s not even go there.
I’m Asian and I have to say that being stuck in an elevator full of Asian tourists (not just the Japanese although you guys may be thinking they’re all Japanese! The Poor Japanese!) is enough to make me want to commit hara-kiri. I have come to the conclusion it’s all very cultural: The disregard for the “space” between people, the loud voices speaking all at once, the conversations several octaves higher than yours, the pointing, using public toilets in restaurants even if they’re not dining there, the pointing, etc. I could go on and on but I will not bore you to tears…..
You could never bore me, my friend!
Thanks for weighing in.
I want to hear so many more things about bus season. I laughed so hard all the way through reading that. Being in Los Angeles I see a lot of tour groups, and I never fully understand the mania associated with it. I usually get knocked down by a few trying to get to the gym.
The passengers on my tour groups are definitely not heading to the gym! Thank you for the praise. I’m glad I could return the favour; your work always brings a smile to my middle-aged, Canadian face.
Keep up the good work!
Okay, so I found your blog yesterday after reading a terribly sad story and when I tried to read your words, I just could not focus. I’m so glad you connected on my blog, today! You are funny! Let us know when you make it to the Ellen show. 🙂
Sadly, Lindsey, I fear I’ll never reach Ellen. She has a full compliment of staff, but they’re either overwhelmed or they just don’t care about a 14-year-old girl who has been bullied most of her life.
I sincerely hope its the former, but either way my crusade appears to be boned.
Thanks for dropping by, Lindsey!