It is 7 am. It is Monday. The midnight bellman has just informed me of the presence of a young, nubile, completely naked female in her twenties who found herself locked out of her room on the 25th floor.
And where was I?
At my desk minding the store until we can start retrieving luggage for the next bus of Japanese tourists due to check out, that’s where. (It feels like we’ve served thousands of bus passengers this season, but that’s only because we have.) If you feel horrible for me, you should.
Being the humanitarian I am, I’ve decided to share my wisdom with a world desperately in need of a guidance, especially after a weekend that saw Miley Cyrus host the season opener of SNL. Never mind Syria, why can’t President Obama launch a military strike against Billy Ray’s progeny? Its obvious she is a living, bellowing (the caterwauling she produces is not music), twerking weapon of mass destruction. Don’t believe me? Ask any female under a certain age and they’ll tell you that declaring Hannah Montana dead on national television is an act of war.
In fact, I just had a conversation with an 85-year-old grandma (old folks get up at 4 am so she was wide awake) about Miss Miley and her thoughts were succinct, befitting one who knows better than to waste time, I suppose.
“That bitch is crazy!”
I love old folks. They smell like cheese and regret, but they rock. The best part about seniors? After they’ve read my book, they forget all about it and have to read it again. It never gets boring for them.
At any rate, here are a few things I’ve learned from Bus Season 2013:
1) Just because you’re a four-foot Japanese tour guide with Red Bull running through your veins doesn’t mean you can handle a luggage cart overloaded with hardshell Japanese luggage. Trust me, you will lose control of the cart and watch in terror as it rolls into traffic. And your bellman will laugh out loud without experiencing any remorse.
2) Asian tourists sound like munchkins on crack when attempting to curse.
3) Laughing at Asian tourists who sound like munchkins on crack while attempting to curse just pisses them off. Which makes them curse even more. Which makes you laugh even harder. The cycle is vicious and seemingly-never-ending.
4) If positioned properly, you can fit 39 Japanese tourists in a single luggage bay of a bus. But you didn’t hear that from me. Engaging in such experimentation would be a violation of the Universal Bellman Code of Conduct. if such a thing existed, that is. Which it doesn’t Thank God.
5) Attempting to keep a promise a to engage in a blogging hiatus during bus season is impossible. (I love my family, but I need to blog occasionally in order to maintain my sanity. Period.)
And that’s me for now, folks. Sarah’s book is still humming along nicely, with more illustrations and revisions fitting into place. Ellen DeGeneres remains as unreachable as ever, but the crusade is far from over. 2014 should be they year of Misery. The Misadventures of Misery, that is!
Good luck surviving Monday, guys and gals….