This is Not a Post. This is What Happens When I Don’t Get Enough Sleep.

Random Thoughts Running Through My Weary Bellman Head At 5:30 am  on a Sunday.

1)  “I love my wife.”  (She may not be happy I’m blogging, but in my defence, my ramblings barely qualify as coherent thought so this isn’t really a post. Hence, the title. Did I mention my wife is the most beautiful soul I’ve ever encountered? And that Elvis rules? And so do vampires?)

2)  “David Gilmour is an idiot.” I could expand on that thought, but this isn’t a post, just a mind bubble that burst and exploded into the blogosphere.

3)  “Breaking Bad ends tonight. Who would have imagined that Tim Whatley would go onto be the most talented and critically approved actor of the entire Seinfeld cast of characters?”

4) “Chemistry teachers everywhere most have a love-hate relationship with Walter White.”  On one hand, he’s become the greatest lightning rod/poster boy their profession ever had – not that they’ve had many to begin with, Dr. Jekyll and various other mad scientists are all I can think of – but on the other, he’s a meth kingpin and meth is bad, to say the least. So I imagine they have some mixed feelings about the character. “Mixed feelings”. Get it? 

Moving on…

5)  “I think I’ll start a band comprised of middle-aged slackers. We’ll call ourselves No Direction…..“

6)  “Still can’t believe I saw three hookers before 8 am yesterday.” One of them was yakking away on a cellphone: “Yeah, he wanted anal, but I charged him double so it’s all good. Why am I calling so early? Well, we haven’t talked in a while and I needed a break before my next one.” 

7)  “Why the heck do hookers charge more for anal, anyway?You’d think the pain would prove to be a welcome distraction from the fact they’re letting a stranger violate their body in return for little strips of paper used to purchase goods and (sometimes very dirty) services….”

8)  “I hope today doesn’t suck harder than a Mensa meeting where the guest speaker is Justin Bieber.”  Yesterday morning I did five bell calls. Four of those guests stiffed me. There was no afternoon for The Hook. I went home and sweat my tail off in the attic with VampireLover. (We were cleaning and renovating. Perverts.) It was bliss.

9)  “We have a Japanese tour to contend with today. I wonder if the guides are going to behave like squirrels on crack?”  For the uninitiated: Japanese tour guides are the most twitchy, hyper souls you’ll ever meet. Seriously, to them standing still for a moment is akin to an eternity in Hell.

10)  “My kid is already a better writer than her old man. My kid is fourteen.”  It’s true. The kid is refining her third children’s book – of sixteen  – and I still can’t sift through this mess I call a brain to retrieve enough words to compose a second book. My creative engine needs a jump start.

Well, that’s me. If you’ll excuse me, there are twenty-one guests rooms filled with Japanese luggage – no doubt filled with Canadian maple syrup – that require my patent-pending brand of attention.

Be well, folks.

And by the way, if you’re reading this, VampireLover, meeting you was the single greatest event of my life. Every second we’ve spent together has been a bonus that I thank God for every day. I may screw up every once in a while (UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY), but I’m loyal and I’ll never stop trying so that has to count for something, right?