Not Being Kryptonian Sucks.

EARLY, FAR TOO EARLY, SUNDAY, SEPT. 1, 2013: The skies are clear, the sun is shining like a super star and the natives are beginning to stir from their alcohol/party/passion-induced slumber.

The valet deck will soon stink of fossil fuels, coffee and discarded fast food containers, the by-products of a race obsessed with convenience and indulgence rather than survival and enlightenment.

Soon the lobby will be overrun with the best and worst humanity has to offer, their bodies smelling of stale alcohol and regret. And yours truly? I will be fighting to maintain the last vestiges of my sanity.

So in the moments remaining, before the gates are breached, let’s talk briefly, shall we?


Sarah has found a savior in the form of a lovely, refined woman named Joan Stephenson, an artist of great vision and skill. I would love to show you the results of their collaboration thus far, but Sarah would separate my balding head from my flabby body quicker than you can say “Bad Daddy!”

Still no word from Ellen, but that was to be expected; penetrating the fortress a celebrity of her status resides in was a long shot, at best. Then again, these things often take a ridiculously long time; it took the Steven and Chris show nine months to respond to my personal campaign  and the answer was a resounding “No, thank you.”

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the best example, but you’ll have to cut me some slack, friends, the last few days have been a little strange. I’ve been feeling… off.

My legs have been encased in cement. My blood pressure has been ridiculously low, despite the fact that everyone always assumes my pressure would be high. My cerebral highway has been covered in fog, and so my consciousness has been sending out thoughts that have arrived in less than perfect condition once they reach my brain box. And my heart feels as though it has been… well, the truth is, I don’t know how my heart feels.

(I wonder if Superman knows how lucky he really is?

Blood has been drawn. (but not by vampires, much to the wife’s dismay.) Heart tests have been conducted.

Now we wait.

All the while, the world continues spinning; Syria continues to tests Obama’s resolve, the Kardashians continue to test my patience and the guests continue their onslaught, and so I must stay the course.

Admittedly, I’m doing so as a mere shadow of myself, but half a Hook is better than none, right? 

I have to admit, it’s nice to know that, even at half power, I can still hold my own with my guests. 

Speaking of holding one’s own, have I ever told you the tale of the unluckiest bellman in the world? No? That’s great, because I’d hate to bore you. So here we go…

For this tale we have to travel back sixteen years, to the first hotel to employ me as a bellman. Our “hero”, Dave, used to use his pass key to let himself into the maintenance shop after everyone had gone home for the night. You see, the shop had a television hooked up to the hotel’s pay-per-yank adult films and so Dave… well, you can see where this is going, right?

So anyway, one fateful night, as he’s attending to the needs of “Little Dave”, he reaches for what he thought was a bottle of lube…

Turns out plumber’s glue does not make for a good personal lubricant. There was no happy ending of any sort in that tale, my friends. 

Now where were we?

Oh yeah, I arrived at a room at the height of the check-out hysteria where I was greeted by a little sin kissed angel – and her less-than-divine progenitor.

BIG DADDY:  (After taking one look at me.) Hey, they didn’t say they were sending Lurch!

THE WIFE:  Tim! What do you know? Everyone’s bigger than you!

BIG DADDY:  Well, he’s huge! You’re huge, man!

That was it, kid or no kid, it was time to activate my diminished “Wonder Hook powers”..

THE HOOK:  That’s what she said!

BIG DADDY:  Ha! I love it! You’re all right, Lurch!   

Turns out, I was. I got through the day and now I’m about to do it again. Wish me well, all right?

Be well, friends. Just remember, things could always be worse; you could be Robin “Never mind the VMAs, I love my wife, I swear it never moved once!” Thicke or Miley “I LOVE foam, I mean, I REALLY love foam!” Cyrus.


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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67 Responses to Not Being Kryptonian Sucks.

  1. I Am Jasmine Kyle says:

    I love the opening! OPEN THE GATES!!! UNLEASH THE REGRET!

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    Hope the tests turn out okay. Sorry to hear your body is not cooperating for you, especially during your busiest work season. 😦

  3. mairedubhtx says:

    Good luck on the tests.

  4. Dang, Bro.

    I hope you get to feeling better soon.

  5. How generous of you to entertain us while you wait. I join everyone in hoping for the best.

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    I hope your tests come out normal. It’s always something, no?

  7. likeitiz says:

    Hy, I had fun with your post! In spite of your misery, you still have your sense of humor. And that’s always a good sign.

    I’m not so impressed with Kryptonians, really. Yes, they’re highly evolved compared to us mere humans but who wants a predetermined life? Take their sad lot in the recent installment that came out a few months ago. Ya, I know there was a rewrite. I think I even posted about it. Or did I? Ya I did.

    I hope you’re feeling better soon. Wish I could sign your cast…..

  8. Wishing you the best and the tests say that all is well. Love the story about Dave..

  9. Feeling yucky makes you appreciate your usual good health, I’m sure….hope it’s “nothing” and you’re feeling better soon.

  10. Sorry you’re not feeling very well.
    Ahaha glued “little Dave” he had that coming…get it? never mind

  11. Of course even a tenth Hook is great but you have created a greedy lot, thus full Hook is required, so get on it asap!!! Luck and best wishes sent already!!

  12. bardictale says:

    You’re way better than superman- you have a sense of humor, and even when you feel icky you make sense and sound like yourself.
    Hope you feel better and that your day had some glorious high points^^

  13. jlheuer says:

    “Keep your stick on the ice” -Red Green

  14. Cathy Ulrich says:

    I hope you feel better soon, Robert and that you had a good day!

  15. Jennifer says:

    Good luck with those tests, although low BP is as bad as high. Hopefully it’s all nothing, but piss and wind. Don’t forget to find some time just for you.
    Yay for Sarah and the book! That’s fantastic 🙂
    I’d have you guys over here in a second if I could do it, you need a serious holiday!

  16. Cayman Thorn says:

    You have gotten way deeper since we last talked- posts, I’m talking posts. But the prosper of your written words leaves me feeling less heavy than the content of the worldly problems of which you speak on. It makes me think. And then it makes me think some more. That’s what great writing is all about. Well done, Superman.

  17. Daile says:

    Darn our bodies and the dramas they put us through. hope all is well – your family has had a rough year! Fingers crossed for Sarah’s book, awesome news on the illustrator

    • The Hook says:

      Sarah’s pretty stoked for the future, that’s for sure!
      And yes, this year has been a challenge, to say the least.
      But we’ll get through; we always do.
      Thanks, Daile – for everything.

  18. Nadia says:

    My thoughts are with you, Hook. With guests like those… Hope the tests go well and you feel better soon. x

  19. Katie says:

    Best of luck, on all accounts. But half a Hook is always better than none.

  20. unfetteredbs says:

    Little late here. Sending good mojo dear sir that all will be well.

  21. Dancing with the public ( and you do a fine step to match what waltzes in those doors) can put one at risk – stress, germs, exhaustion, and all that hazardous car exhaust. Hope it’s an easy lock and an easy strategy to get you rollin’ in top form. Can’t help but think there’s some good stuff just over the horizon for you.

  22. >it took the Steven and Chris show nine months to respond to my personal campaign and the answer was a resounding “No, thank you.”
    – “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~ Confucius

    >Sarah has found a savior in the form of a lovely, refined woman named Joan Stephenson, an artist of great vision and skill.
    – 🙂

    >I’ve been feeling… off.
    – There! You said it yourself, too! Maybe you have to be, um, off, Hook. Yup, I’m a nag. 😦


  23. How tall are you, Lurch? And let us know how your health is faring!

  24. djmatticus says:

    I hope you are fairing well. I hope the “natives” are on their best behavior (except the ones you will use for inspiration). I hope Ellen gets back to you shortly with a favorable message. In short (too late?), I hope that everything is right as rain for you and yours.

    • The Hook says:

      We’re doing all right, all things considered. Thanks for the concern, buddy!
      As for Ellen, I haven’t abandoned my crusade, so we’ll see what the future holds.

      • djmatticus says:

        Fingers crossed – but I figure it might just be like Shawshank – you just have to keep writing her and writing her and writing her until she gets so annoyed with you that she responds (and then you write her twice as much until she relents and lets your daughter on the show.)

      • The Hook says:

        The Andy Dufresne method doesn’t work as well in the cyberverse; Twitter has rules against spamming!

      • djmatticus says:

        *Fist Shaking* Twitter! Why must you thwart all my brilliant plans!
        Is one call out a week considered spamming?

      • The Hook says:

        Definitely not! I’ve been doing my best in that regard. I have trouble being clever under Twitter’s parameters, though!

      • djmatticus says:

        I highly doubt you ever have any problem being clever.

  25. munchow says:

    I hope you will soon be back to normal again – and body restored to it’s full size again. Wish you all the best. And plumber’s glue isn’t the best lubricant, you say? I am really surprised. lol

  26. I’m playing catch up on these posts so I was unaware that our Super-Bell-Man was having a glitch. Hopefully, it is just a leftover reaction to all the stress you have endured over the last couple of months and everything will be OK. A person…even a Super person…has their limits. Perhaps you reached yours and need some down time.

    • The Hook says:

      That appears to be the consensus, Michelle. I think I better listen to the women in my life as they appear to be overflowing with wisdom. Thank you, my friend, for the support and concern.

  27. Author Catherine Townsend-Lyon says:

    OH BOY YOU CRACK ME UP every Damn time HOOK!!….LOL….Loved the Blog on your *Travel TIPS!*….I hear ya on the HEALTH front, as I just had a physical as well, and the SAD NEWS?? I’ll Live…..But I HAVE 2 suggestions and a Question……..WHAT the H_ _L is it with YOU & the KARDASHIANS????…..Now, about my PAL ELLEN, I suggest, since you have HUGE AMOUNTS of FOLLOWERS HERE….(I know this because of the AMOUNT of comments you get!!)…I say have EVERYONE of your FOLLOWERS, Including ME, Which I’ve already done THIS……Have each follower COPY & Paste YOUR BEAUTIFUL LETTER about your Daughter, and have them all go to Ellen’s Website……which I’m a Member…..and COPY & PASTE YOUR LETTER to ELLEN through the SHOW’S EMAIL ???? THEN SHE & HER STAFF WILL BE FLOODED WITH YOUR LETTER THAT they can’t SAY YOUR DAUGHTER SURE IS SOMEONE SPECIAL, AND SHOULD BE ON HER SHOW???…….Sounds like a good idea RIGHT??

    CRAP, now I forgot the 2nd thing I was gonna tell ya……DANG I hate when that Happens!
    SO, THANKS for another LAUGH & a SMILE to brought to my face as always……WE head out early Friday Morning for …..ARIZONA OR BUST!!……Well, were already BUST….SO ARIZONA here we come!!….LOL….Have a Great Rest of the week Mr. Hook! God Bless & Hugs, Catherine

  28. MissTiffany says:

    Hope you’ll be back to top form soon.

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