I Was Going To Call This One “Someone, Please Kill Me”, But Someone Would Have Panicked.

(At least, I hope they would have.)


And I don’t mean a Robin Thicke VMA performance wreck, I mean a true “locomotive completely off the rails in an orgy of incompetence and violence”, wreck.

1)  The phones have been malfunctioning.  You can’t call out. You can’t make a dinner reservation for a guest. You can’t call for help. I’m trapped like a rat in a stuffy uniform, running a maze with no exit or even cheese.

2)  It’s been raining.  Tears from Heaven trigger anxiety and anger in the average guest. And guess who they direct their frustration at?

3)  The Front Desk computers have been malfunctioning.  If people are unable to get checked in, they have no choice but to store their luggage with yours truly. I wouldn’t mind, if I had the time and space to deal with hundreds of extra bags. But I don’t.

4)  The elevators have been malfunctioning.  Technology hates me.

5)  We’re running two bellmen short.  One is on vacation. The other called in sick, and let me tell you, he better be dead….

6)  It has been ridiculously humid in Niagara Falls today.  In spite of the rain, the weather has been sticky beyond belief. Can you say “swamp ass”?

7)  Three brand inspectors are due in tonight.  And of course, no one took the time to tell any of us line workers about their imminent arrival. Hotels hit the “Condition Red” button when inspectors arrive and someone always drops the ball when it comes to communication. Trust me, ignorance is not actually bliss….

8)  The pace has been relentless.  First the departing horde hit us. HARD. Then the arriving horde took over. My lunch consisted of two parts: 1) Fries choked down during a departure and 2) A burger swallowed in two bites during an arrival. I took the soft drink intravenously. No rest for the wicked, indeed.

9)  Robin Thicke isn’t the only one with a knack for angering the fairer of the species, it seems.  Fate placed me in the path of every angry, sexually frustrated, misunderstood, hungry, and just plain mean female staying in the hotel today. The funny things is, we’ve had three buzzing bags in the back room. And they weren’t electric toothbrushes….

10)  We had an unexpected visit from a twenty-nine room bus.  I wanted a candygram – the wife would have killed me if a strippergram ever arrived, so I don’t even bother wishing for one – but no, I got a twenty-nine room bus. And of course, it arrived as all H-E-Double Hockey Sticks was breaking loose. And it was raining. HARD. They say waiting builds character. Let me tell you, my friends, there is a bus tour consisting of fifty-three pillars of society staying in the hotel tonight….

And that was my day in a cracked nutshell.

How was yours?

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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67 Responses to I Was Going To Call This One “Someone, Please Kill Me”, But Someone Would Have Panicked.

  1. Uh WOW! Can I just say…..? Oh never mind? I think someone needs {{{HUG}}}
    There….any better?

  2. Pyx says:

    Do not get between a wet hungry woman and her vibrating bag….

  3. You wanna know how MY day has been pal? My Mother-in-law has been here for TWO days. *That’s* how my day has been. 🙂

    I hope things get better for you, Amigo.

  4. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Yikes! I am sorry about all of the malfunctions and mess.

    If your hotel doesn’t stock batteries, I hope y’all can get some in soon before the bag contents stop buzzing and the owners take that frustration out on you too.

  5. Phones, computers and elevators malfunctioning in a hotel on the same day? That sounds like hell on Earth.

  6. Okay when swamp ass is involved it’s always a bad day! You made me realize my day wasn’t sot bad..lol Sorry yours sucked candygrams!

  7. unfetteredbs says:

    Yuck. Shite hit the fan for you my friend. Here is to a better tomorrow!

  8. Jennifer says:

    Oh. Dear. 😦

  9. Littlesundog says:

    I’ll trade ya, Hook! I have the same trouble as Fearless Leader, only my in-laws live ON THE SAME PROPERTY. Now you understand why I head for the woods and the river beyond. It isn’t just about Daisy deer!

  10. oh that is terrible
    hey shock people like just go and hug that mean lady and tell her she needed it, in front of brand inspectors ( make sure there are some old ladies around) it would be such an aww and haw and whaaa moment ..

  11. 1jaded1 says:

    I hope tomorrow is better!

  12. Brenda says:

    My day, thanks for asking! We got back from NYC late last night, and I had three zombie children all day who were screaming and yelling and enjoying themselves way too much. Be happy they were not at your hotel, complete with viollin, cello and attitudes! Seriously, sounds like a brutal work day, and I’m still laughing about the vibrating suitcases. LOL

  13. List of X says:

    You’re going to hate me, but my day was a vacation. But, think about this: someday, you’ll be on vacation, and all that will happened to the guy who called in sick (and we know why people call in sick on Mondays).

  14. lidipiri says:

    My day was… Never mind, I already forgot it. Tomorrow I’m getting a sound bath in the desert. I’m good. Hope your tomorrow is better!

  15. bardictale says:

    How about purchasing walkie-talkies for when the phones are out? And monkeys for when the systems are down? Hang in there Hook!

  16. I Am Jasmine Kyle says:

    I was just beating the crap out of my self over … nothing. The STUPID thing is everything is fine I’m just INSANE! No buzzing bags however! lol the things you must know!

  17. Nikitaland says:

    WOW, now that is a bad day! I hope it gets better for you and you can get rid of vibrating luggage and the swamp ass! My day was comprised of picking up dog poop in the backyard. Shit happens everywhere, I guess!

  18. MissFourEyes says:

    Yikes! Sorry about….well everything. Here’s hoping you got rid of all the vibrating luggage today, and most importantly, the elevators are working! Hugs, partner, lots of them

  19. My “like” disclaimer: I “liked” this because it’s so humorously written, not because you had such a rotten day. That part I don’t like. Hope the sun’ll come out tomorrow.

  20. For some strange [!] reason I remembered the famous phrase by Marty Feldman “could be worse, it could be raining!” [from Mel Brooks “Frankenstein Jr”] 🙂

  21. Ha! Hilarious, as usual. Sorry you had a crappy day, though. My biggest fear has always been a vibrating suitcase upon arrival at a fancy hotel! But if I were in your position, I would get a kick out of telling those women their suitcases were alive when they picked them up.

  22. The place is haunted, right? No other explanation…..you didn’t anger the baggage gods, did you?…sounds like all that’s missing is wheel missing on every rolling cart.
    Eat more fries. Helps everything…well not really, but they are tasty

  23. bats0711 says:

    Seriously…and here I thought losing my mind was logical. I would be shaking in a corner right now if I had to deal with all of that. I’m sorry Hook.

  24. amandalannon says:

    Hoping the following two days have been much better than the one described above. Aaaargh.

  25. mindslam says:

    Lmao, love 5 & 6!

  26. Holy crap on toast. That sounds like the plot of a movie. Glad you didn’t lose your sense of humour.

  27. Sounds like a horror movie. Maybe you are due for a raise.

  28. Ow! That day sucked. I hope this one is going better. Although, it is the Monday of Labour Day weekend and I imagine you have been working your toosh off. I hope the technology hung in for you this time.

  29. munchow says:

    Some days are just better to get over with. And to my account – and the calender – this should be well over by now. I still feel for the struggle you had, my friend. Can’t be easy in that sticky rain. At least you had internet access – it seemed. Which you all the best!

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