“I Really Need To Orphan Black Myself.”

Or if you prefer, “Thoughts That Floated Around/Through My Head as I Tried to Eat my Pizza in a Corner of the Casino That is Usually Quite Peaceful.”

(Admittedly, titles aren’t my strong suit.)

1.  “Should I tell the wife about the cougar in room 1403 who decided to look cool in front of her Fifty Shades-reading pack by asking me if I wanted to ‘earn “$14 the hard way?'”  (By the way, 1403 wasn’t the actual room number; unemployment doesn’t agree with me, hence the deception.)

2.  “Must remember to watch Caddyshack again soon…”

3.  “As a part-time meth dealer myself, I find the show offensive and inaccurate.”  A fossil senior with a wandering eye spied an article on the last season of Breaking Bad – or as she called it “The Breaking Bad” – in the paper I was trying to read. And so I decided to have some real fun…

4.  “I really need to Orphan Black myself.”  Then I could handle multiple bell calls and write post/guest posts simultaneously. (For the non-nerds among us: Orphan Black is a brilliant sci-fi television show about a woman with multiple clones. You have to admit, government black ops conspiracies aside, it would be pretty convenient to be able to handle multiple crises at once, right?)

5.  “How long?”  The singular thought I couldn’t help but ponder as I began my walk back to the hotel and I spied a little Chinese woman shuffle along, arm-in-arm with her adult grandson. “Little” doesn’t begin to cover it, in fact; this woman was minuscule. She even had the silver hair, the wizened features and the cane to complete the look.

I can only imagine the things she’s seen, the experiences she’s lived through. This woman was a survivor and yet, The Reaper was right on her wrinkled tail, content to wait until the ravages of time prove insurmountable and her time among us reaches its inescapable, inevitable conclusion.

Before you begin to think I’m actually a deep thinker, keep reading…

6.  “Look away… For God’s sake, look away!”  Me, in panic mode as I passed a La Vie en Rose outlet and my glasses began to fog up. “Why, Hook?” you ask? Well, I’ll tell you: there they were, two willowy, blonde damsels – though definitely not in distress – their arms filled with overstuffed shopping bags full of frilly wares.

Did I mention one of them gave the other a little peck on the cheek as they exited the store? And did I also mention said peck quickly developed into a lingering lip lock?

Well, it did.

And so my lunchtime retreat almost ended with a whimper, not a bang – not for me, at least – as I came thisclose to walking into signpost as my attention was diverted for a moment -or ten.

Hey, what can I say? I love my wife, but at the end of the day, I’m still a man.

Enjoy the remains of the day, my friends. 

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About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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59 Responses to “I Really Need To Orphan Black Myself.”

  1. Caddyshack, funny movie. I need to watch it again also. You have great observation skills.

  2. Hilarious! I read a sign once that said: If you could read my mind, you would be traumatized for life! I think that about sums it up, don’t you? I’m glad no one can read MY mind……I would probably be committed!! Great observation…and Hey, just because you are on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look in the ‘frigerator! LOL! (thank you Mini Pearl) 🙂

  3. I can’t tell you how much I love reading your posts. It would take too much time out of my lunch break. You are so good at writing, and writing humorously!
    I’ll probably just copy and paste this comment into all your other posts that I read. I should be able to finish a sandwich then.

  4. NotAPunkRocker says:

    “1403” sounds scarier than Stephen King’s story,then movie, “1408”.

  5. Never a dull moment…lol

  6. Your life pretty much exemplifies the phrase truth is stranger than fiction haha.

  7. List of X says:

    Maybe those two damsels weren’t in distress, but they certainly put you there.

  8. I aspire to be you when I grow up… but wearing a slinky dress, not a uniform! ;)~

  9. Wow, adventures abound with the Hook!

  10. Hahahahhaha…the willowy blonde story is my favorite…

  11. joesard says:

    hi Mr.Hook thks for making me smile ‘cus I had rather drab Sunday !

  12. bardictale says:

    I rather like your titles. Thanks for making me laugh^^

  13. jlheuer says:

    I don’t think you have to worry about telling your wife, she knows. 🙂

  14. Jennifer says:

    What can I say, you’re a typical male.

  15. Amber says:

    I’d have stared… so would my partner. Regardless of your looks/orientation/skill at kissing, if you’re exhibiting that sort of display in public, people notice. Sometimes it’s pleasant, sometimes it’s unpleasant, sometimes it’s like a horrifying wreck that you can’t tear your eyes away from in time to prevent retinal scarring.

  16. Daile says:

    You are allowed to look all you want right? As long as you don’t sample any merchandise.

  17. I can’t get it why men get “turned on” from watching two women kissing. Maybe I’d need an additional frontal appendage to understand?

    That image of the old Chinese lady sticks. I really like that part. It read like words from a horror/witch story, among my favorites. 😉

  18. Crap! I didn’t think Orphan Black had started yet. My TV schedule is messed up…I really wanted to see that.
    You have the perfect amount of deep thinking and perverse humour to balance out, so you’re OK in my books. This is as close as I get to backing you up in with your wife. 😉

  19. lbtk says:

    Loved the thoughts on the old Chinese woman. I often look at a woman I attend church with and think the same thing. She is a thing of tiny beauty.

    The fossil fun was hilarious. You always make me smile in some aspect of your posts. Sandy

  20. djmatticus says:

    I think it would be creepy to have clones of me running around… too much a good thing, you know. 😉 Plus, I wouldn’t want to lose track of me. (That’s a fun sentence.)
    I have too many quotes from Caddyshack running around in my head right now to pick one… “playing through,” “double or nothing,” “I’m not pregnant,” “be the ball….”

  21. audrina1759 says:

    Adventures of hook. That should be a book. Really!

  22. monica923 says:

    14 dollars the hard way? You were only worth $14? Love it! Thanks for today’s chuckles!

  23. Rohan 7 Things says:

    Ha! My grandfather had a saying for anytime he got caught looking at an attractive young lady: “I’m married, not blind!”

    Enough said, lol!

    Rohan.

  24. BuddhaKat says:

    Uh Oh, Hook… careful what you wish for!!!

    😉

  25. Pingback: Jumble Spoiler – 09/06/13 | Unclerave's Wordy Weblog

  26. “Hey, what can I say? I love my wife, but at the end of the day, I’m still a man.” Great line.

    And here’s what I’ve got to say to that: I just love real honest men. Like you. 🙂

  27. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    Love these contemplations, Hook 🙂

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