(And she never lets me forget it.)
My day began three hours later today and so I had time to cuddle with my lady love, my slumbering angel.
The burning orb above shone brightly, drying the morning dew and illuminating the local wildlife – crazed squirrels and foul-tempered cats – who normally reside in the shadows of the dying night. Blissful sounds blasted from a wonder of our age: a tiny metal box filled with wires and modern minstrels.
My arrival was timely and without incident.
My armor, a simple creation of stitched cloth and plastic, was clean and perfectly pressed. I entered the arena filled ready for battle, but only if absolutely necessary, of course.
But Fate had other plans, it seems.
There were no wars to wage. No dragons to slay.
The departing travelers I encountered were filled with the type of joy that can only come from a good night’s sleep – or a lack of sleep for a passionate rendezvous – and an incident-free stay. They willingly pressed bills, rather than change, into my hands.
Children were well behaved and consumed milk and eggs rather than Red Bull and sugary confections. Their fathers were calm and sober, their mothers pleasant and engaging.
There were no call girls in sight of the lobby.
My morning hummed like a sufficiently lubricated technological wonder. In other words, it was a well-oiled machine.
Arriving guests were optimistic and there wasn’t a single under-sexed cougar in the bunch. Entire families marveled at the natural beauty and awesome power that is Niagara Falls.
Upon reflection, it was as close to perfect as one could ask.
In other words, it was an off day.
It’s been a while, time for a list!
THINGS TRAVELERS SAY.
You’d be amazed what a bellman hears in the lobby, the elevators, the hallways and through thin doors and walls.
1) “Kim Kardashian can lick my balls!” (Some eight-year-olds just can’t hold their liquor.)
2) “I don’t care if you do have cancer, you can still buy me flowers!” (She was willing to honor the “In sickness and in health” portion of the vows, but there are limits, apparently.)
3) “I just made out with an Italian, Cheryl. Now I smell all garlicy!” (I’m not gong to reveal the gender of the speaker; it is irrelevant.)
4) This hotel is like my wife; it looks great on the outside, but you’re in for a world of disappointment once you get inside!”
5) “Pretend you’re my stepfather and do me fast and quiet!” (Admittedly, I laughed out loud and had to abandon my cart in the hallway and make a quick getaway as I walked by this particular room after a call – at two in the afternoon, no less. I’m going to give this chick the benefit of the doubt and assume she was drunk.)
6) “I saw the Kim Kardashian sex tape. I was more impressed by Ray J’s junk than anything else!” (This gentleman swears he’s straight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)
7) “He’s hung like a hamster, but he’s rich and the foreplay goes on for four hours, so there’s that.” (Ain’t love grand?)
8) “It burns when I pee.” (I couldn’t believe someone actually said that, hence its inclusion here.)
9) “I’m so sick of Wills and Kate! She’s a plain Jane, dead between-the-eyes, gold digging hussy and he lacks his mother’s personality, although he has her bad taste when it comes to love.” (Who says Brits are boring?)
10) “Why is check-in taking so long? I’m old! I don’t have much time left to screw around!” (God bless people and their lack of verbal filter.)
11) “This is my first time in Niagara Falls. Is it any good?”