Truly, I Am Fate’s Bitch.

(And she never lets me forget it.)

My day began three hours later today and so I had time to cuddle with my lady love, my slumbering angel.

The burning orb above shone brightly, drying the morning dew and illuminating the local wildlife – crazed squirrels and foul-tempered cats – who normally reside in the shadows of the dying night. Blissful sounds blasted from a wonder of our age: a tiny metal box filled with wires and modern minstrels.

My arrival was timely and without incident.

My armor, a simple creation of stitched cloth and plastic, was clean and perfectly pressed. I entered the arena filled ready for battle, but only if absolutely necessary, of course.

But Fate had other plans, it seems.

There were no wars to wage. No dragons to slay.

The departing travelers I encountered were filled with  the type of joy that can only come from a good night’s sleep – or a lack of sleep for a passionate rendezvous – and an incident-free stay. They willingly pressed bills, rather than change, into my hands.

Children were well behaved and consumed milk and eggs rather than Red Bull and sugary confections. Their fathers were calm and sober, their mothers pleasant and engaging. 

There were no call girls in sight of the lobby.

My morning hummed like a sufficiently lubricated technological wonder. In other words, it was a well-oiled machine.

Arriving guests were optimistic and there wasn’t a single under-sexed cougar in the bunch. Entire families marveled at the natural beauty and awesome power that is Niagara Falls.

Upon reflection, it was as close to perfect as one could ask.

In other words, it was an off day.


It’s been a while, time for a list!


You’d be amazed what a bellman hears in the lobby, the elevators, the hallways and through thin doors and walls.

1)  “Kim Kardashian can lick my balls!”  (Some eight-year-olds just can’t hold their liquor.)

2)  “I don’t care if you do have cancer, you can still buy me flowers!”  (She was willing to honor the “In sickness and in health” portion of the vows, but there are limits, apparently.)

3)  “I just made out with an Italian, Cheryl. Now I smell all garlicy!”  (I’m not gong to reveal the gender of the speaker; it is irrelevant.)

4)  This hotel is like my wife; it looks great on the outside, but you’re in for a world of disappointment once you get inside!”

5)  “Pretend you’re my stepfather and do me fast and quiet!”  (Admittedly, I laughed out loud and had to abandon my cart in the hallway and make a quick getaway as I walked by this particular room after a call – at two in the afternoon, no less. I’m going to give this chick the benefit of the doubt and assume she was drunk.)

6)  “I saw the Kim Kardashian sex tape. I was more impressed by Ray J’s junk than anything else!”  (This gentleman swears he’s straight. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

7)  “He’s hung like a hamster, but he’s rich and the foreplay goes on for four hours, so there’s that.”  (Ain’t love grand?)

8)  “It burns when I pee.”  (I couldn’t believe someone actually said that, hence its inclusion here.)

9)  “I’m so sick of Wills and Kate! She’s a plain Jane, dead between-the-eyes, gold digging hussy and he lacks his mother’s personality, although he has her bad taste when it comes to love.”  (Who says Brits are boring?)

10)  “Why is check-in taking so long? I’m old! I don’t have much time left to screw around!”  (God bless people and their lack of verbal filter.)

11)  “This is my first time in Niagara Falls. Is it any good?”



About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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53 Responses to Truly, I Am Fate’s Bitch.

  1. Katie says:

    You clearly haven’t seen Ray J’s junk. …Not that I have. I just heard about it from a friend.

  2. Pingback: Truly, I Am Fate’s Bitch.

  3. I don’t know about Ray J’s junk, but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express last night. 🙂

  4. michd74 says:

    I blushed at the stepfather comment. Oh my. Thanks for the Friday laughs.

  5. sortaginger says:

    Wait, the walls aren’t that thin really, right? 😀

  6. Jennifer says:

    Ahh, good days give you a false sense of security. Of calm and serenity. Before the bitch that is fate lets loose the… interesting people above.

  7. H.E. ELLIS says:

    Hilarious. I loved the Niagara Falls one. Sounds like something I would say. That being said, I offer you my humble pre-emptive apology should I ever visit your fair city.

    I’m future sorry for my touristesque douchebaggery.

  8. No one has asked what time they turn the falls off?

  9. 1jaded1 says:

    Wow and WOW…What a complete 180.

  10. Here’s one for you…
    When I was a housekeeper and working at a rather seedy hotel there were frequently some questionable things that went on in the rooms. One morning I went into one that was particularly torn up and there was a note sitting on the bed with a $10 bill underneath it.The note said, “You might want to clean this bed extra good. We used it very well.”
    This was before the days when everyone had a picture phone and carried them all over the universe so I didn’t get to take a picture of it for posterity. But I did keep it for a while before it got lost in the tornado I call my children!

  11. Tom Merriman says:

    Funny, Hook. But how can you answer a question like the last one???

  12. You have continued in the SuperHero Comic Book/Graphic Novel vein and I love it. We have to figure out a way to move forward with that. I’m thinking here.
    The list is great and the answer to #11 is “Absolutely the best!”

  13. jlheuer says:

    You have normal, er, abnormal, days. Well what a refreshing change, especially the bills across your palm.

  14. Oh For a moment I thought you were wandering in a beautiful world of dreams but then you switched tracks……oh the lovely people with no grey matter

  15. Oh, my, Hook, you do get to taste human madness first hand, don’t you?!!!

  16. Cameron says:

    Yay, Humanity!

  17. I came to your blog through “Today’s the Day”. I’m loving the humour you portray through your writing 🙂 Keep on keeping on 🙂

  18. Jo Bryant says:

    “Why is check-in taking so long? I’m old! I don’t have much time left to screw around!”

    I am going to remember that to use one day

  19. Daile says:

    Your ‘off day’ sounds lovely Hook! And I cracked up at the things you overhear. Honestly some people just have no filter!!

  20. renxkyoko says:

    Wow, Mr. Hook ! Do guests really speak that loud ?

  21. Rohan 7 Things says:

    Ha, an off day indeed! Sounds heavenly, eww.

    Wow, that is some list! Kudos to the step-father chick, girl knows what she likes and number 4 is just hilarious, oh man lol 🙂


  22. HoaiPhai says:

    I would have told #11 that The Falls was on a road trip and won’t be back in town until next week.

  23. Pingback: People You Meet In Emergency Rooms | Miss Four Eyes

  24. tammyarlidge says:

    Just read this again Hook. Knee-slapping funny! How great to be a proverbial fly on the bellman’s desk and witness all of this. Everyday! Thanks!!

    • The Hook says:

      Thank you, Tammy, for visiting and buoying my spirits with your praise. I’ve been denied access to my creative engine of late and quite frankly, the separation anxiety is proving more troublesome than I ever imagined.
      Hopefully, I’ll have something original to offer you soon.
      Enjoy your day, my friend.

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