Plugs, Packing Tips and Status Reports.

It’s Monday.

There are still remnants of the cheerleading horde present in the hotel, some of whom are rolling, tumbling, screaming and frolicking in the halls and lobby. I have decided I am not pro-frolicking and never will be. I have seen three hookers this morning, but fortunately, I am unaware of the gender of their clients; the last thing I need is another wave of angry comments from residents of the Isle of Lesbos.

As one segment of the corporate world leaves – tech monkeys – another has begun checking in – bankers. I sincerely hope this group of number crunchers decide to indulge their inner party animals. I could always use the material…

The War of 1812 is being reenacted in my head. (Seriously, I smell of musket fire and and gangrene.)

Need I say more?

Fine. Here are some packing tips for the twenty-something set.

1)  Never mind plastic bags, purchase actual luggage.  (You’ll still have money for booze and tech, just wait for sales.)

2)  Despite that you may think, thee’s nothing sexy about walking through a hotel lobby with armfuls of liquor and cases of beer. Your liver is an amazing biological device but it has limits. Go easy on the booze and you’ll live long enough to enjoy your golden years without that golden hue to your skin. 

3)  Remove the batteries from your “personal massage devices” before packing them away. It’s an established fact that they will activate the moment you leave them in the care of a bellman such as yours truly.

4)  Despite the comic possibilities you envision, there truly isn’t anything cool or hip about stuffing your cat into a duffle bag when you arrive at the hotel. And “forgetting” to alert your bellman to the presence of said feline? That’s just cruel. I honestly assumed I was going to have to enlist the services of an exorcist….

5)  If you plan on bringing large amounts of snacks, stop by a grocery store and pick up a box or two. Its that simple. One large box trumps several plastic Walmart bags. (And yes, I said ” large box” stop giggling!)

6)  Loose shoes are often dirty and smelly. Seek out a shoe box or two and you can easily create the illusion of class and common sense.  (And go easy on the footwear; you can only wear so many pairs in a single trip!) 

7)  Garment bags are relatively easy to acquire as well. (Have you picked up on the common theme, yet? Organize your possessions and your trip will run smoothly. The same goes for your life.)

8)  Pick up an organizer for your travel paper work (passports, hotel confirmation papers, etc.) and you can avoid ripping your luggage apart while in line at the front desk. It doesn’t have to be large and unwieldy and no, guys, unless its pink or adorned with images of Hello Kitty, it won’t make you look gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

9)  This isn’t directly related to your packing regiment, but cleaning one’s car before embarking upon a road trip is always advisable, especially the trunk. I recently opened a trunk that emitted an odor that I maintain could be weaponized.

10)   Make a list and consult it before and after loading your sporty, hip, energy-efficient vehicle. I know concepts like list-making are old school, but they work. Your mind is a powerful tool; utilize it and you’ll be amazed by the results. (Yes, I said “powerful tool”. Stop giggling – again!)


Miss Becca Cord has the perfect menu for the ravenous reader: A double shot of vlogging goodness. Homegirl has mad multimedia chops, folks. Supporting her endeavor will keep her off the streets. The life you save could be mine.

Draw Your Life & Draw Your Life: Part Two

And my blogging comrade-in-arms, Miss Four Eyes has a Mother’s Day offering I felt was worth reheating and serving a day later. Click on the pic!

Our time together is at an end, my friends. Be well and remember to tip your bellman. That is all.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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36 Responses to Plugs, Packing Tips and Status Reports.

  1. Jennifer says:

    “I have decided I am not pro-frolicking and never will be” resulted in some serious giggling this end, and I love numbe four. Who tries to smuggle pussy into the hotel, ok, don’t answer that. I am go pro on the list thing. Lists = less arguments = happy holidays 🙂 Now off to finish watching Becca. 🙂

  2. alison says:

    I’m so investing in luggage now… lol
    On a serious note, I am amazed about the packed cat!

  3. I once had a New York City Bellman ask me where I got my bag…a gift from He-Who. The fact that he would notice my suitcase after all the bags he must have handled in his lifetime was pretty impressive. After that it was all about the bags and suitcases. No more plastic for me.
    Now, I should probably work on that cleaning out the car thing.

  4. Carrie Rubin says:

    “I recently opened a trunk that emitted an odor that I maintain could be weaponized.”—-Haha. Great line!

    Like you, I’ve seen people who use a plastic garbage bag as luggage. I don’t get that. One can probably buy a suitcase at Walmart for cheaper than a video game nowadays. Oh, man, that last statement made me sound really old.

  5. "HE WHO" says:

    I’ve learned to travel light. You’d be proud.

  6. Cathy Ulrich says:

    Seriously, Robert? Someone put a cat in a duffle bag and didn’t tell you?! Poor you and poor kitty!

  7. Kanerva says:

    There is no end to people’s lack of comprehension. One can only hope they don’t try to fly with their plastic bags 🙂

  8. Katie says:

    I’m sorry you came into contact with my odiferous trunk. Someone must have taken my car for a joyride to the Northeast.

  9. Chatty Owl says:

    Ha ha. Im no bellboy, but oh my, its annoying to see people in front of me trying to find papers at the front desk. Murder doesnt seem like such a bad idea at moments like that.
    But maybe I’m a schizo.

  10. TBM says:

    usually I have my itinerary and hotel confirmations neatly tucked away. This last trip I lost them all during a rainstorm in a jungle. Made things a tad bit difficult.

  11. mairedubhtx says:

    Please tell me that people do NOT actually pack their animals in their luggage. Please tell me this isn’t so. PLEASE.

    • The Hook says:

      They were trying to be funny – and sneaky I suppose – so they put the kitty in the bag as they pulled onto the valet deck. People are capable of anything, my lovely friend.

  12. The Cutter says:

    Have you ever pitched a reality show where you track down stupid tourists, smack them in the head, and then explain what mistakes they’ve made?

  13. MissFourEyes says:

    If that list is meant for twenty-somethings, I pack like an old person. #10 isn’t a list. It’s a detailed and very efficient excel sheet. 😀
    And thank you for the plug! It’s really sweet of you, partner.

  14. Jeanne Heuer says:

    One afternoon while working the reference desk at the library we got a call where the person asked us how to get the smell of a dead body out of a car.We thought it was a hoax, maybe not.

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