BEFORE WE BEGIN, TWO FUN FACTS:
#1. Someone in the hotel ordered an 18-year-old Wednesday Addams look-alike hooker at 6:30 a.m. this morning.
(She left – sans smile and dignity – by 7:21 a.m.)
Talk about your breakfast of champions.
#2. Bus bags (luggage belonging to a bus tour that I am responsible for delivering) have become heavier in the fifteen years since I started this gig.
It’s a scientific fact. Someone really needs to look into that….
AND NOW, ON WITH THE SHOW!
I was a teenager in the 1980s.
That’s all you need to know.
THINGS I WON’T MISS ABOUT THE 80s.
1) New Coke,
2) That hair. (WTF?)
3) High school dances where someone sells one of my friends a bag of
oregano, I mean, weed.
4) Dry humping.
5) Begging for dry humping.
6) Who’s the Boss? (I mean, I’ll watch the XXX version, but otherwise, fugedaboutit!)
7) Ridiculously cheesy 80s porn. (Not to mention that other crazy hair.)
8) The fact that I couldn’t fight.
9) The fact that I had to fight.
10) People that thought Russia was still a threat. (They had no idea what was coming.)
11) Weird Science. (It teased us with the promise of sexy shenanigans, but failed to deliver.)
12) Most of my dates in that era. (They too promised sexy shenanigans but failed to deliver.)
13) Duran Duran. (I’m sure they were nice guys, but watching girls spontaneously combust at the mere mention of their names got annoying.)
14) Rubik’s Cubes. (Forget blue balls, these things were frustrating as hell!)
15) A-ha. (That video was cool for the time, but the tune? Not so much?)
16) David Lynch. (If I wanted to take acid, I’d take acid!)
17) The softcore porn Jumbo Video tried to pass off as the real thing. (It may have been cheesy but at least show me all the naughty bits.)
18) The beginning of the AIDS pandemic and the hysteria that followed.
19) Crazy-ass catchphrases I refuse to repeat here.
20) Growing Pains. (More like viewing pains.)
THINGS I DO MISS ABOUT THE 80s.
1) Ginger Lynn. (I have a love/hate relationship with the adult films of my teenage years. They were cheesy, but hey, they were better than flipping through the lingerie section of the Sears catalogue.)
2) Eddie Murphy. (He had an edge that could cut through solid rock.)
3) Freddie Mercury. (He knew who he was and he owned it.)
4) The relative safety of the world. (I could take off first thing in the morning on my bike and my mom didn’t have to worry about whether or not I’d end up on the back of a milk carton.)
5) Comic books that were fresh and original. (The New Teen Titans and the X-Men ruled!)
6) Lynda carter as Wonder Woman. (Technically the series ended in 1979, but her presence endured.)
7) Ronald Reagan. (He was a nutty leader but not in a terrifying George W. Bush way.)
8) Heavy Metal music. (Say what you will, but it still beats any of the derivative pop garbage we call music these days.)
9) Classmates that thought I was a narc and spray painted it on my locker. (At least it gave me some street cred.)
10) Quantum Leap.
11) The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. (All these years later and no one has even come close to touching him.)
12) Walking to the corner store. (When you were young it was the thing to do; you’d hang out at 7-Eleven and talk about stupid shit. Now I sit in a back room with a bunch of bellmen and talk about stupid shit.)
13) Watching the Thriller video for the first time.
14) The reign of vinyl albums.
15) Fresh air.
16) Being able to eat fast food without seeing its effects on my rapidly-expanding gut.
17) My hairline.
18) Watching a space shuttle take off.
19) My freedom. (Yes, I love my family, but freedom is nice in small doses.)
20) Ignorance. (The older I get, the more I learn. The more I learn, the more I second-guess myself. I don’t like second-guessing myself.)
That’s all folks. Feel free to share any thoughts about the 1980s below, Until next time, stay cool.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!
Katie of Sass and Balderdash knocks it out of the park with this one, folks. Check it out.