THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO OVERHEAR WHILE CHECKING IN AT A HOTEL.
1) “Have all the dead hookers been removed from room 401?”
2) “Have all the live hookers been removed from the parking garage?”
3) “Has anyone found those Porsche parts yet?”
4) “The squirrels and cats have been delivered to the kitchen!”
5) “Maintenance wants to know what the “H” and “C” on the taps stand for.”
6) “We almost have all the blood out of 301.”
7) “Did we ever find out where those extra elevator parts belong?”
8) “Wanda from Housekeeping got into the peyote again.”
9) “The police tell us they have Reese Witherspoon cornered in the garage. They’re bringing in SWAT to take her down.”
10) “Has The Hook shown up for work yet?”
Do you want another?
TEN SIGNS YOUR FIRST DAY AS A NIAGARA FALLS BELLMAN DIDN’T GO AS PLANNED.
1) You get rejected by a pack of cougars.
2) Upon entering a room of college co-eds, you rip your uniform off and say “How about a ride on this cart, girls?”
3) You refer to a senior guest as a “tyrannosaurus douchebag”.
4) No one wants to purchase your “Falls Adventure Tour” package. (Especially when they realize it consists of your crazy uncle driving people around in his station wagon.)
5) You deliver luggage to Japanese tourists while dressed in a Godzilla costume.
6) The pop star Pink checks in and while delivering her bags, you grab your crotch and ask her if she wants “Check out this adventure package!”
7) You tell a guest “Sadly, my bank doesn’t accept ‘Thank You’s as payment on my mortgage, jackass!”
8) Instead of saying “Thank you, I hope to see you again.”, you say “Lose our number, you sanctimonious, impotent douche-nozzle!”
9) You hit Russell Crowe with a phone.
10) When your shift ends, security not only escorts you out of the building, they drive you to the city limits.
June is around the corner, folks – in my mind at least – so here is another plug for what is sure to the kick-ass event of The Hook’s summer…
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
May 9 is fast approaching – like a horde of Beliebers on Red Bull – so put a few pennies away for Leanne Shirtliffe’s first literary offering…