Having a Little Hook-Time.

Happy Monday, folks! (Wait, is there such a thing?) At any rate, today’s offering comes courtesy of… let’s just call her Mysteria, Woman of Mystery. She has requested anonymity and so being the gracious and grateful host that I am, I have no choice but to acquiesce to her request.

Without further adieu, here is my first and most ironic guest post – I cannot publicly thank my guest scribe, but she has my eternal gratitude – I hope you enjoy this one, my friends.

Damn, I’ve been getting around the blogs lately. My latest destination is the Hook Blog-a-verse. He asked if I wanted to post some of my ramblings in his space so he can go off and finish a book or something. Sounds kind of ambitious to me; I’m not sure I’m down with that kind of dedication to a craft. It makes me look bad. I have my research book for my book, I’ve made some notes and done some highlighting… and then November came and it all went south. Well, it all went in my bookcase, if you must know.

Maybe this will inspire me. Or maybe not. Helpful hint: don’t be the farm on the former…go for the latter.

But what it does do is give me a venue in which I can tell some of my more amusing work-related stories that would not be appropriate on my OWN blog where people know me in REAL LIFE (see, this post shall not be re-blogged…I love my job, and I love keeping my job).

A big part of my job is providing tutorials of our website. Typically, I do the tutorial one-on-one. People listen to my ‘discourse’ via telephone and they follow along on our website going through each report and whatnot. Even though we’re in different places, it works rather well. I really enjoy giving the web tours but it takes a lot of out me – it’s 90 minutes of non-stop talking. Sometimes, when there’s a large group participating in the tour, everyone is in a big conference room with one person ‘driving’ and me in my office leading them through the reports.

The Alice in Wonderland Tea Party Tour.

One time I toured a particularly ‘interesting’ group of people – about 10 of them. So we’re going through all the reports and discussing the data, and all of a sudden people started ARGUING in the conference room. I lost complete control of the entire tour. Finally when everyone started to settle down, I got back into the swing of things. And then about 20 minutes later I realize it’s pretty much completely quiet. So I start to say “hey, hey? Are you all still alive?” – and someone pipes up – “Oh, sorry – most everyone left to get cake” … WTF?? REALLY? How would they feel if I just left in the middle of teaching them how to use our website to get cake? That was probably one of the RUDEST things I’ve had happen during a web tutorial.

Can You Just SHUT UP for a Minute?

Another time, I was doing a web tutorial for a group of people; conference room style, and there was one person that felt like they just needed to needle me about EVERYTHING. It was apparent she wasn’t there to learn about our website; but to criticize everything about our website and the methodologies we use to crunch the data. It’s kind of disconcerting when you can’t see someone’s face and you’re trying to work through a web tour (these where really important clients too – so I felt pressured to make sure that I did not screw anything up). I started to lose my composure and I could feel my voice start shaking – and she was RUTHLESS. Finally, one of the people on her end asked her if she could just SHUT UP for a minute and let me give my tutorial. I wanted to leap through the phone and kiss that person.

And Now for Something Completely Humiliating…

I think my worst moment occurred after giving a web tour to two people. They were both really nice; however one of the guys would not stop talking/asking questions. It made my 90 minute tour a 150 minute tour and we didn’t get it all done – I had to finally stop and ask if we could finish it the next day. If the guy had just let me do my thing, most of his questions would have been answered. I’m a pretty patient person but I was exhausted by the end of that tour. It was like this guy just SUCKED up all my energy.

My boss wanted me to email her when I was done and tell her how the tour went. So I did – I wrote something along the lines of “geeze, I finally met someone that talks more than me – he would not stop asking questions and if he’d just listened to me he’d have gotten the answers…It was DRIVING ME CRAZY…” I sent the email and about 10 minutes later the guy emails me back and says “Oops, sorry, I didn’t mean do that….”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH … I accidentally CC’d the CLIENT. I was horrified and humiliated. My boss was very cool about the whole thing (I was worried I would be terminated immediately) and she even finished the tour the next day because I was so embarrassed I could not ‘face’ talking to him on the phone. It was embarrassing enough to have to send him an apology email. But I learned to NEVER write anything about a client in my work email. To this day, I don’t know how his name came be on that original email to my boss.

The Crier.

I had to work for about 8 years with a woman that cried ALL THE FREAKIN’ TIME. She also accompanied the crying with slamming doors and irrational screaming. I dreaded working with her when we had to do something together. God help you if you actually had to point out a mistake she made because that would mean crying, door slamming and then an email nasty-gram. After an episode, of course everyone would tiptoe around afraid to even breathe near her. Eventually, it took its toll on all of us. I could write an entire book on her behavior.

I didn’t like being the recipient of her ‘crazy’…but I did enjoy watching her antics from afar. Politically, we were an entire office of Democrats except her, she wasn’t really anything but her husband was a hardcore bigot and she voted the way he did because he was ‘the man’. He thought he was hilarious when he would come in and tell a racist joke using the “N” word. He was repugnant. So when President Obama won his first election, the Crier came to work the next day, crying…slammed her door to her office then came out screaming at all of us about how her husband had to go out and buy guns because Obama was going to go the their house and take them away. They let her go soon after that. Thank god.

I think we’ve filled our quota of crazy work stories for the day. But I would like to end this post with a funny (I think) story about my precocious 10-year-old son.

We’re driving home after school, and he was telling me that some of the Jr. High kids were playing with modeling clay in the library. He started to tell me what they were making and then stopped short with an embarrassed laugh…(I knew exactly what Jr. High BOYS would be making with modeling clay). So I prompted him to tell me with an “oh, come on – you can tell me – you don’t have to be embarrassed”.

So he said. “They were making “Gentlemen’s Sausages”. Ok – we live in America, and I have never heard that euphemism for a penis. So I asked him where he heard that name for it… of course, I should have known… Top Gear UK. I have to admit that I enjoy that show despite Jeremy, James & Richard being completely repressed, sexist and homophobic (they are complete yobbos at times).

And those are my stories. I hope you enjoyed them. And don’t tell my boss.

Thanks Hook!

No, thank you, Mysteria, for the wonderful addition to the Hook Blog-a-verse!

See you soon, folks. Be well.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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27 Responses to Having a Little Hook-Time.

  1. JackieP says:

    I’m glad I don’t have THAT job. All though some days it feels like it. 😉

  2. Jennifer says:

    Ok Mondays are great! have you not seen my posts from yesterday?
    And that was hilarious. The writing is familiar, but if I knew who it was I could maybe follow along, or at least read more…

  3. Katie says:

    Mysteria, huh?
    I never talk about my current job, mostly for my own security but also because everyone there is competent (if you could imagine such a thing…) but at my old job no one was competent. Anyway, I had a crier there too. She was also insane. She frequently threatened to put a cap up her son’s ass and once told me she was going to show him a picture of herpes when he came of age to keep him from having sex. …I mean.

  4. AH, the torment of having all these totally hilarious stories from work you don’t dare tell! Hook is so lucky the ones he sees leave (and leave him with stories to tell)
    (And darn with Hook being so productive writing yet another book…maybe time to shake some of the ones rattling around my head …but wait – must do a blog post…Whew, close one there…)
    Great post. Thanks for the funny Monday, Mysteria!

  5. "HE WHO" says:

    Almost a rant. Loved it!

  6. Do you think she cried because the husband was such a twonk?

  7. TBM says:

    Can I have some cake?

  8. mairedubhtx says:

    A lovely, entertaining guest post.

  9. I bet everyone feels a lot better about their job right now.
    Mysteria may have to get some kind of medal for valor.

  10. raisingdaisy says:

    Great post Mysteria! I’d love to read more from you again. 🙂

  11. MissFourEyes says:

    Haha! Gentlemen’s Sausages cracked me up! Gotta love euphemisms

  12. robincoyle says:

    Oh my gosh . . . do we work at the same office?

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