I’m busy polishing the first few chapters of my next book, folks, so this one is a grab bag of blogging goodies..
First up, Blogger Summit Update #2, from the subject of the feline-penned tell-all biography, Call The Police: Our Lives With a Twisted Cord, Becca of 25ToFly.
Next is a piece of verse dedicated to a mode of transport very near and dear to my bellman heart, the mighty Elevator. You can thank Katie of Sass & Balderdash for this one folks.
And finally, here is another uplifting piece from Ashley of Zebra Garden.
As for my contribution to my blog, here are some blasts from my past. Over they years guests have greeted me with some very interesting opening lines. The truth is, you never know what you’re going to find when a hotel room door opens.
Enjoy.
Ten Awesome/Terrible Opening Lines From Guests
1) “Are you the porter… I mean valet… I mean concierge. Are you the guy with the cart?”
2) “Mom and Dad! Get out of the shower! The Bell Guy is here!”
3) “We’ll be ready in a minute. We’re just looking for an escaped gerbil named Justin Beaver.” (Yes, they named the gerbil Justin Beaver. I love people.)
4) “Can you wait a minute? The escort I hired for my boyfriend locked herself in the washroom.” (In case you’re wondering, that one did indeed end with a visit from The Niagara Regional Police.)
5) “My husband is going to go to the car with you and load the bags. Our daughter is throwing up her breakfast. I guess Lucky Charms should be served with milk, not Red Bull.”
6) “Can you restore our cellphone service? You are a Bell Telephone employee, right? I mean, you work at the Bell Desk…”
7) “How much do you charge? Are you pricey” (To be clear, the guest was referring to my services as a bellman. I think)
8) “We can handle the bags, but can we put our child on the cart? My husband let him have some beers last night and he’s been sleeping for twelve hours now.” (Kids these days just can’t handle their liquor.)
9) “I just want to finish this porno. I want to see how the story works out.” (Incidentally, I once had a guest complain about the lack of plot in the hotel’s adult features.)
10) “Can you give us a minute? I can’t get my wife untied.”
June is around the corner, folks – in my mind at least – so here is another plug for what is sure to the kick-ass event of The Hook’s summer…
You've Been Hooked! 
I’ll have to remember that about Lucky Charms. Thanks! This was a riot. Good luck with the second book.
Thanks! I’m glad I could simultaneously educate and entertain you.
I’d love to spend a week at work with The Hook. It’s an Upscale “People of WalMart”.
That’s maybe the best compliment of my blogging career.
Justin Beaver takes the cake. I’m giggling out of control.
If giggling persists for longer than four hours, consult a physician.
Wait, that’s for pharmaceutical-induced erections….
The Lucky Charms thing sounds like something my son would do. Had to learn the lesson the hard way, can’t listen to what mom says.
That’s because listening to mom is no fun.
All gems, though the ones bordering on child abuse concern me………
You too?
You’d be amazed what I see, young lady.
I’m glad it’s not just the escorts I hire for my boyfriend getting locked in bathrooms.
Thanks for the shout out!
You earned it, Katie!
Porn and vomiting… all you need first thing in the morning.
Absolutely, Jennifer!
Good luck with your next book, Hook! It sounds like you have no shortage of funny material!! I linked to Ashley’s blog, too, this week. I guess great minds think alike, huh?
You know it!
As for the second book, while its true I have plenty o f material, the trick is presenting it in a manner that draws in an audience beyond the blog. But with good wishes from friends like you, how can I fail?
Makes me wonder how the rest of the conversation went…
Suspense is good – in small doses, at least!
I’m often left feeling flat and disappointed in the lack of plot in pornography. I bet you’re fairly pricey 🙂
Why thank you!
I’m actually curious to know the answers to some of these.
I’m sure you are!
Justin Beaver the gerbil. Oh, happy day.
There’s a comment for all ten, but I’m still giggling over the adorable wrongness of that.
Adorable wrongness?
I love it!
I wouldn’t have thought that plotting was a concern in those sorts of films. I’d assumed other elements had a higher priority, so to speak.
I think veteran porn viewers become jaded and desensitized after a while…
I think I laughed at every one of these! I don’t know how you stop yourself from exploding in guests faces!
Sheer force of will. I’d make a great Green Lantern!
Justin Beaver! OMG, I just fell off the couch… ouch. lol
Don’t sue me. Please?
Hahaha.. you never cease to entertain! My favourite has got to be the husband who can’t untie his wife!
Obviously he was never a Boy Scout.
Oh goodness, so many little gems I can’t decide which is best.
That’s great to hear!
Thanks!
Always need a plot to go with me porn.
Can’t hurt I guess….
I like the people who thought you could work magic with the telephone since you were the Bell man. Bell telephone-Bell Man. I suppose it was a logical jump. Bizarre, but somewhat logical.
Bizarre is the key word in the story of my life, dear lady.
Tell you said to #7 that you were indeed very very pricey?
Oh but Justin Beaver was the best! He should be in one of those plot-less pornos
*tell me you said
I said she couldn’t afford me.
“You can’t handle The Hook!”, were my exact words!
You mean porn is supposed to have a plot?
Plot as in story line, not final resting place, right? (Not that kind of hotel)
Definitely not!
More stories from I -got-to-wonder-land. And now all those people are behind the wheel and on the roads with the rest of us…driving defensively.
Thanks for the new blogs to check out
Good luck on that new book!
Thanks! Good wishes can’t hurt!
Oh god, the lucky charms one…I hope you didn’t have to help out with cleanup. It’ll be a while till I can shake the image of a young girl vomiting rainbows across a hotel room!
And I’m with number 9, I mean what guy hasn’t wanted to find out what happens at the end of the porno!
Great post mate, always raises my spirits coming here 🙂
Rohan.
Likewise, mate!
Red Bull and Lucky Charms! Breakfast of future champions of awesomeness. That was just a little extra awesomesauce leaking out of the kid…
I think it was flowing, not leaking!
Oh, that’s definitely an important distinction to make. But, either way, it was still awesomesauce. Flowing actually makes it sound better.
Thanks!
These are pretty funny. You have to wonder if at some point afterward they don’t say to themselves, “Did I really just say that?”, or “I can’t believe I just said that”. Although, I have to admit that these ones probably haven’t got a clue. You must have a very good trick for not laughing right in their faces.
Nerves of steel. Plus, I’m used to the rhythm by now.
Always a giggle….:)
Why thank you!
I never get tired of hearing that!
Actually, pornos have plots. Every story is supposed to have Exposition, Conflict, Climax and Resolution, and most pornos have plenty of exposition and climaxes. Conflict arises when, upon check-out, the hotel guest argues he never ordered any porn, and then pays and makes a resolution to bring his laptop with pre-downloaded porn next time.
I appreciate the beauty of your reasoning, my friend.
if you hadn’t been a bellman you would’ve had heaps of material as a standup comedian!
I’m not sure I have the nerve for that, but you’re right!
Loved this post, my dear Hook; smiling from ear to ear..!
We (humans) definitely are a weird mob…!
Indeed!