Ten Things I’ll Never Do Again During March Break.

My shoulders are hunched ever so slightly. My head is swimming. My stomach feels like a volcano on the verge. Must be March Break….

Here then, are ten things The Hook will never do again during this unholiest of weeks.

1)  Let a child with bladder control issues ride on my cart. At least the carpet is waterproof, though certainly not for this reason…

2)  Let a child who has had two Red Bulls (at 10:30 AM) ride on my cart. She looked like a howler monkey on speed.

I swear, most children who accept my offer of a ride on the cart – which children absolutely love – behave themselves, but you can’t expect kids to be perfect little angels all the time. Not when they’re conscious at least.

3)  Expect a nice, seemingly well-adjusted family is going to tip me. Even nice folks are capable of douche-like behavior at times. Unfortunately.

4)  Underestimate Aussies. I know a few Australian bloggers who rock beyond belief, but the average guest from Down Under appears to have my number. And that number is zero. As in zero tip for The Hook. However, I served a Australian couple yesterday who put their frugal brethren to shame with their warmth, humanity and generosity. You just never know what you’re going to encounter in this biz, folks.

Speaking of which….

5)  I’ll never doubt a mom who tells me “My family is off the reservation, as they say!” She was right. And how.

• Dad was out to lunch – first thing in the morning.
• Grandma was channeling spirits from Venus, which could only be received by standing in the closet.
• Mom wanted me to take the youngest rugrat to the lobby via my cart. (Par for the course, right?) Wrong. Kids can are welcome to a ride – but not while riding in a suitcase. To his credit, the little guy fit right in there. He even manged to zip the case right up.

6)  I’ll never turn my back on a pack of cougars again. When dealing with a group of middle-aged moms, one would assume an air of civility would prevail, right? Wrong again. Fifteen years as a bellman and I manged to avoid being goosed by a guest. Until now. Oh well, at least they tipped me.

7)  Over-estimate my guest’s willingness to go to any lengths to save a buck. I’ve seen guests use strollers as luggage carts. I’ve even seen guests use maid’s carts as luggage carts. But I’ve never seen a maid’s cart – fully loaded with luggage – with a baby stroller on top – fully loaded with a baby – wheeled down the hall. Until now.

8)  Believe a guest when they say “I’ll just be five minutes , Boss!” A middle-aged dad drags his family’s luggage in from the valet deck and stores it at the Bell Desk. Pretty typical scenario so far, right? Welcome to the Twilight Zone, friends. where said dad returns a few minutes later to retrieve a “few things from my cart.”

Two-and-a-half hours later he is still standing behind his cart – conveniently parked behind my desk – drinking beer from a red Solo cup, while his family explores Niagara. He was joined by another deadbeat travel dad. Although his friend kept his luggage in the back room where it belonged, he simply didn’t see the problem with drinking in the middle of the day while standing in the corner of a hotel lobby in Niagara Falls.

9)  I expect I’ve seen the worst humanity has to show me. See above.

10)  Expect March Break will be the answer to my off-season financial burden. This has been the least financially successful March Break I have seen in all my years in this industry. Ever. Honestly, folks, while my life is rich in many aspects, I still need to enjoy many of life’s luxuries – like food, shelter and clothing – in order to lead an existence that doesn’t end with my bloated body washing up on the shores of the Niagara River.

Still, there’s always next year.

In other news: The day is coming, Leanne Shirtliffe’s literary masterpiece, Don’t Lick the Minivan: And Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Kids, will soon be unleashed upon an unsuspecting world. Until then, here is another post of Leanne’s to enjoy.

 

June is around the corner, folks – in my mind at least – so here is another plug for what is sure to the kick-ass event of The Hook’s summer…

READ THIS POST: It demonstrates, without missing a beat, the beauty of blogging and of life itself.