They say misery loves company.
They were right.
I might as well have titled my last post “Avengers Assemble!”, as it drew my many personal heroes to my side when I needed them most. If there are words powerful enough to convey my sense of gratitude, folks, they do not rest in my consciousness.
I love you all.
And yes, that may have sounded ridiculously gay, but who cares?
In an effort to restore balance to my universe, here is an upbeat, positively-charged post dripping with hope and laughter.
TEN STRANGE REQUESTS FROM GUESTS.
1) “Do you know where I can find a riding crop, buddy?
2) “Can you disable the smoke alarm in my room? My lady and I are trying to ‘bust it’ and it keeps going off! The alarm, not my lady!
3) “I need you to remove the Bible from my room, I’m an atheist.”
4) “Can you transport my antlers down to my car? I’ve almost finished scraping the fur off them…”
5) “Does the hotel have a dry-cleaning service that can remove vomit from a ladies adult rabbit costume?”
The next request came from three young ladies who were checking in late one Friday night at the first hotel that employed me as a bellman.
6) “Hi! We’re here with this guy who picked us up at a rest stop. He’s too drunk to drive anymore! Can you park his car for him?” (I informed the ladies that the hotel did not have a valet service, but their answer, coupled with 40$ in my hand, convinced me to make an exception.)
7) “I realize its 4 a.m., but do you know where we can find a dwarf?”
8) “My husband comes to Niagara Falls quite a bit on his own and I’m worried he’s being unfaithful. With other men. If I paid you, could you help me determine if – ” I stopped her right there. Fortunately for this young lady, one of my colleagues had no moral qualms about helping her determine her husband’s sexual leanings.
For the record, she was right. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
9) “The girl the agency sent over is ugly. In fat, she’s fugly! Could you come up and escort her back downstairs? I refuse to open the door after I caught a look at her through the peephole!”
10) “My date is passed out on the bed. I think she took too many… um, motion sickness pills. Could you help me get her dressed?”
Did I mention the gray-haired gentleman in this case was in his sixties? And his date was sixteen, if she was a day? And finally, did I mention he was an ordained minister?
And finally, for everyone who was concerned about my emotional well-being, here is a list of my positive qualities.
TEN COOL THINGS ABOUT ME.
1) I don’t smoke. The extra lung power comes in handy when I’m releasing primal screams in the service elevators…
2) My work makes people laugh. And some of them are actually laughing with me.
3) There is a book listed on Amazon with my name on it. The Bellman Chronicles will always represent several milestones in my life, most notably my decision to devote my literary energies to crafting an original tome that represents my evolution as a writer. Not to worry, though, I’ll always use my books to mete out punishment to deserving hotel guests…
4) I am a loving , faithful husband. Although VampireLover would most likely argue that its easy to be faithful when “no one else will have you!”
5) My daughter adores me. Yesterday was an exception though: “Not all of Dad’s comic books are in mint condition, Mom!”
6) My Mom loves me. Don’t laugh, I have friends who have exchanged gunfire with their creator.
7) I don’t drink and never have. I have a few blogging allies who struggle with alcoholism and I would never presume to claim I occupy a higher state of being than anyone who drinks, but at the end of the day, I’m damn proud of myself for remaining sober for forty-three years. I’ve seen the effects alcohol can have on a human being and everyone around them, and so people like Le Clown, Sherrie Theriault and Tracy Fulks are my heroes. Characters clad in capes and armor have played a huge role in crafting my life, but beings of flesh and blood, who struggle against the darkness armed only with their willpower, are the ones I wish to emulate.
8) My life is a testament to the positive power of comic books. As I’ve said, I’ve been a comic book geek my whole life – and I still got the girl. Chew on that, everyone who thinks all comic book readers are asthmatic, basement-dwelling virginal losers!
9) I’ve never held a firearm or been in trouble with the “fuzz”. In this day and age, that’s saying a lot.
10) I own up to my mistakes – eventually! If I can mend fences with Jessica Stilwell – although credit goes to the lovely Jessica for that one – then there is hope for me after all. My life is a work-in-progress and so far, I’m pleased with the prototype.
If you’re a geek like me – but somehow still cool – and you’re going to be in the Falls June 8 & 9, check this out.