BEFORE WE BEGIN: Credit where credit is due time. My thanks to Leanne Shirtliffe for inspiring this post. I’ve been drowning in despair all day and you threw me a virtual life preserver, gorgeous. Thank you.
Well, it’s Monday.
Boy, is it ever. I have a dark cloud nesting in my consciousness. This is one of those days that drives me to dark places and thoughts. Outside, the sun is shining bright, reflecting its live-bestowing rays off a freshly fallen blanket of snow. Inside, the mood is sombre and void of hope.
There have been very few check-ins and so my mood has suffered. This is one of those days I feel like chucking it all, the failed book, the blogs, the campaign to land myself a gig on Breakfast Television Toronto, all of it.
I think need some healing through blogging, don’t you?
And so I present to you:
THE HOOK’S VERSION OF “YOU KNOW IT’S MONDAY WHEN…”
1) You wake up, realize who you are and utter a silent curse word.
2) The dog throws up. In your bed.
3) You reach over to gently stroke your wife… and your neck makes noises reminiscent of a rusty Slinky.
4) Undaunted by your newly-developed physical shortcomings – you fondly remember an age when you could manage moves that would be considered too advanced for the Kama Sutra – you humbly request a kiss from the wife, who gives you a look of haughty derision. The dog gets kisses, but if you want a morning smooch, you have to file paperwork. In triplicate. A month in advance.
5) Your child is furiously working on her homework. Thirty minutes before school starts.
6) You check your e-mail and see plenty of yummy spam but not one response from the Huffington Post Canada or the producer who requested a pitch, which you eagerly sent with hope in your heart. Seven weeks ago.
7) A quick glance of your WordPress dashboard reveals you haven’t been Freshly Pressed. Again. (Seriously, what’s up with that?)
8) In an effort to avoid frostbite, you use your father-in-law’s van to drive to work and the windows freeze shut. And the automated gate at the employee parking lot won’t recognize your card. You know what they say, twelfth time’s the charm…
9) The locker room looks like the set of The Hangover III. And smells like the set of The Exorcist on the day they shot the pea soup sequence.
10) You arrive at your desk, get settled in… and the construction crew in charge of renovations set off the fire alarm. Again. The elevators lock down and what little activity there is grinds to a halt.
11) The hours pass slowly and quietly. So quietly you can actually hear the hairs fall from your head. Being forty-three rules….
12) As you unload her van a guest bellows at you, “I’ll take my camera and my laptop. I don’t want them dropped!” She then drops her camera. Then her laptop.
In retrospect, that one falls into the gray are between comedy and tragedy.
13) It takes you all day to write a post that does justice to a day that has sucked harder than Ginger Lynn in her prime.
And how was your Monday?