You Know It’s Monday When…: Hook Edition.

BEFORE WE BEGIN: Credit where credit is due time. My thanks to Leanne Shirtliffe for inspiring this post. I’ve been drowning in despair all day and you threw me a virtual life preserver, gorgeous. Thank you.

Well, it’s Monday.

Boy, is it ever. I have a dark cloud nesting in my consciousness. This is one of those days that drives me to dark places and thoughts. Outside, the sun is shining bright, reflecting its live-bestowing rays off a freshly fallen blanket of snow. Inside, the mood is sombre and void of hope.

There have been very few check-ins and so my mood has suffered. This is one of those days I feel like chucking it all, the failed book, the blogs, the campaign to land myself a gig on Breakfast Television Toronto, all of it.

I think need some healing through blogging, don’t you?

And so I present to you:

THE HOOK’S VERSION OF “YOU KNOW IT’S MONDAY WHEN…”

1)  You wake up, realize who you are and utter a silent curse word.

2)  The dog throws up. In your bed.

3)  You reach over to gently stroke your wife… and your neck makes noises reminiscent of  a rusty Slinky.

4)  Undaunted by your newly-developed physical shortcomings – you fondly remember an age when you could manage moves that would be considered too advanced for the Kama Sutra – you humbly request a kiss from the wife, who gives you a look of haughty derision. The dog gets kisses, but if you want a morning smooch, you have to file paperwork. In triplicate. A month in advance.

5)  Your child is furiously working on her homework. Thirty minutes before school starts.

6)  You  check your e-mail and see plenty of yummy spam but not one response from the Huffington Post Canada or the producer who requested a pitch, which you eagerly sent with hope in your heart. Seven weeks ago.

7)  A quick glance of your WordPress dashboard reveals you haven’t been Freshly Pressed. Again. (Seriously, what’s up with that?)

8)  In an effort to avoid frostbite, you use your father-in-law’s van to drive to work and the windows freeze shut. And the automated gate at the employee parking lot won’t recognize your card. You know what they say, twelfth time’s the charm…

9)  The locker room looks like the set of The Hangover III. And smells like the set of The Exorcist on the day they shot the pea soup sequence.

10)  You arrive at your desk, get settled in… and the construction crew in charge of renovations set off the fire alarm. Again. The elevators lock down and what little activity there is grinds to a halt.

11)  The hours pass slowly and quietly. So quietly you can actually hear the hairs fall from your head. Being forty-three rules….

12)  As you unload her van a guest bellows at you, “I’ll take my camera and my laptop. I don’t want them dropped!” She then drops her camera. Then her laptop.

In retrospect, that one falls into the gray are between comedy and tragedy.

13)  It takes you all day to write a post that does justice to a day that has sucked harder than Ginger Lynn in her prime.

And how was your Monday?

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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107 Responses to You Know It’s Monday When…: Hook Edition.

  1. Hell, that’s a *good* day in my life. I am jealous.

  2. Mancakes says:

    Oh I would have gotten such sick satisfaction out of Number 12 that it would’ve totally changed my outlook. And you ROCK 43! 🙂

  3. I ‘Liked’ this post because I was entertained by it and not because I liked that you had a sucky Monday. Monday’s are always pretty sucky. Mine was average in that respect.

  4. 1, 3, 4, 5, and 7 sound like my days just about any day of the week.

  5. elenamusic says:

    Haha, the kid working on HW right before school, I think as a kid I’d work on HW right before class started, haha. Sounds like you’re looking at the negatives in life. Perhaps making a list of positives for the day?

  6. unfetteredbs says:

    Mondays don’t get any better at 44 either..sorry, but the average Joes like us..we have to just suck it up and move on. Sigh. Feel your pain.

  7. JackieP says:

    I think the Hookster needs a virtual hug. {{{HUG}}} , psstttt, just don’t tell the wife 😉

  8. The sun shines on horrific days to remind us that God has a sense of humor. Which makes it worse, I know.

    Hey, there’s always Tuesdays right?

    I like Mondays. The kids go to school and I go back to bed until the identity of my body feels less like a sucker punch. And if it doesn’t subside, I toast myself to better luck tomorrow with a beer. It helps.

  9. Caroline says:

    Wow, that really does sound like bad case of the Mondays. I actually just adopted a kitten and am dreading the day he decides to throw up on the bed, carpet, etc. Here’s to hoping tomorrow is much, much better for you!

    • The Hook says:

      It will be much better, Caroline… I’m off for two days!
      By the way, thanks for stopping by. I’ve missed your presence here. Your work over on your site is incredible as always!

  10. Carrie Rubin says:

    Hahaha. Well, although I’m sorry you had a crap day, I’m glad you wrote about it so we could laugh at–I mean–with you about it. I loved this: “So quietly you can actually hear the hairs fall from your head.” Oh, and the lady who dropped her camera and laptop? Seems like karma was throwing you a bone with that one.

    Great post! I’m especially impressed you just whipped it up today. I need to let mine fester for a few days.

  11. My Monday was better than yours because you gave me some laughs. Hope you’re feeling better as Monday winds down. Tuesday will be great (can’t hurt to have a positive attitude)!

  12. vrbridge says:

    So my Monday wasn’t awful this week, but last week? Forget about it! Your Mondays sound more like my Fridays. I can usually feel my soul die on Fridays. Anyway, life throws us those terrible shortcomings so we can look outside of the box for better solutions. I’m sending good vibes your way!

  13. List of X says:

    I know it’s Monday when posts I want to read pile up faster than I can read them 🙂 And yes, work…

  14. What’s the saying? It’s always darkest before dawn… Here’s hoping the sun shines brightly tomorrow. Virtual hugs! (And thanks for the kind shout…)

  15. Jackie says:

    I am happy you have a place to vent 🙂 Sometimes that’s all it takes to turn around a bad day. Oh, and I feel sorry for you that you have to change your sheets. I HATE changing the sheets for some reason. It’s no way to start out the day.

  16. Diane C says:

    OMG Robert, please don’t ever stop blogging. Here is my monday and you will see why I needed to come home and read one of your always funny posts.
    1. Woke up at 4:15 am because I suddenly remembered that I had not picked up fresh clothes for my mother when I picked her up to take her home from the hospital.
    2. Didn’t go back to sleep because I knew that taking her home from the hospital involved admitting her to a complex care facility because her dementia had become too much for the assisted living place in which she lived and I knew that even though my husband and I had told her all about it, she wouldn’t remember.
    3. Had to rush to the futon and foam shop to get and deliver a memory foam mattress to go over the uncomfortable hospital mattress at the new care facility before I went to pick up mom at the hospital.
    4. Went to the hospital to pick up mom.
    5. Spent twenty minutes with her trying on three different pairs of underwear until she had decided which one fit the best. This, of course, involved putting on pair #1, taking off pair #1, forgetting that she had put on pair #1 and trying pair #1 again, taking off pair #1 and trying on pair #2, forgetting that she had put on pair #2 and trying to put pair #3 on over pair #2, taking off pair #2 and 3 and trying on pair #1 again. You get the picture.
    6. Spent 10 minutes trying to explain that yes she had to go to the car in the wheelchair (she wouldn’t have made it that far otherwise), and yes I understood that she could walk on her own, and yes that I knew she could do things by herself but really the doctor wanted her to be in the wheelchair…..
    7. Drove to the new care facility answering the questions “Where are we going?” “Have I driven on this road before?” and “Why are we driving?” about 32 times in the 10 minute drive.
    8. Took my mom to her room explaining that yes this was her room and yes this is a big place and no I don’t know how many people live here several times on the way.
    9. Spent an hour with the RN answering medical questions about my mother, some of which I knew the answers to and some of which I didn’t.
    10. Spent about another hour with the admissions clerk signing about a kagillion forms.
    11. Spent another 20 minutes with my mom trying to figure out what she was telling me so earnestly about and then 20 minutes after that explaining that no she really doesn’t need a hysterectomy as she had one about 30 years ago, and no, even if she didn’t have one the chance of her getting pregnant was pretty slim as she is 91 years old, and no, I really don’t think she sleeps around.
    12. Trod out to my car about 5 hours after my mother and I had arrived to find a parking ticket on my windshield.

    Sigh. Please don’t ever stop blogging Robert. What would I do at the end of a day like today with only serious blogs to read?

  17. dogear6 says:

    Let’s see. . . MY Monday started at 5 am, when a fire detector chirped. It chirped twice and the dog freaked out, knocked down a gate and set off our burglar alarm. We checked that everything was okay, comforted the dog and tried to go back to bed. The alarm chirped again, now the dog broke down the gate to come upstairs to the bedroom and set off the burglar alarm again. It took two rounds of batteries, more calls from the security company, and several hours late to work before it all calmed down. Oh yes, it was fun. In the grand scheme, no one was hurt and nothing was broken, but I sure was tired all day.

    Nancy

  18. djmatticus says:

    You win. I’m not sure that’s a good thing though… Fighting a cold. That’s all I’ve got. Put in my 8 hours and have since molded the couch around my but and played on WordPress (though I might have been some of that at work too. Shhh, don’t tell anyone.)

  19. Jennifer says:

    I’m exhausted, but thankfully it’s Tuesday here, so not to worry. And what did I say about self pity, shame on you Robert! Had to laugh at lady dropping the things you weren’t allowed to carry and then NOT drop. And please don’t stop the blogging.

    • The Hook says:

      I’m not going anywhere, Jennifer! As for the self-pity, sharing my pain actually freed me from its grip!

      • Jennifer says:

        Good, and yes, it does have it’s place…vocalising (or writing it) eases the burden, lightens the load… Blah blah. You’re forgiven this time, 😉 ((hugs)) I’ve did a post a while back, and those thoughts are not so much on my mind anymore. Writing them freed my heartache.

  20. You always make me smile my friend…thank you for that xoxo

  21. Why do the dogs choose the bed and/or the carpet for the vomit?
    To make you feel better..at least yours is only Shih Tzu vomit, mine is Great Dane Vomit.
    (FYI..that’s A LOT of vomit!!)

    Check and mate. I love winning, but somehow in this dog vomiting scenario…I think I lost.

    Why can’t the asshole dog at least make it to the tile…let alone the backyard?
    Kidding about the asshole…I love him. Most days the dog is my favourite. Especially on Mondays.

    Mondays SUCK!!
    J

  22. Karmel says:

    My Monday was … regular. I just need time.
    A friend and a hug sontisa

  23. TBM says:

    Well my dog didn’t puke, but the cat did on the clean sheets fresh from the dryer. Back in the wash now. Hope you have a grand Tuesday!

  24. Jennifer says:

    Wait there, if you have two days off, the how can Monday be so bad. It’s the last day of work. It should be FUN!! Ok, so in your job, it’s never fun, but it’s the Last day of work….!?!

  25. Katie says:

    Well, my Monday, and really the rest of my week, is going to consist of pretending to do lots of work, because now my boss sits roughly five feet away from me. The days of leaving early are over… It’s the end of an era.

  26. Pixie Girl says:

    My Monday was mostly spent on London public transport. Oh joy!

  27. mairedubhtx says:

    Monday, this Monday, was a particularly BAD one, for me too. The judge was late, he got way behind on his docket, called my case late, did what I knew he was going to do–refuse to continue with my trial because the father had been found and not served–so we had to go home, but not until 11 o’clock from a 9 a.m. trial. Bummer. So now we go back NEXT week. I know exactly how you feel about Mondays. Terrible. What a way to start a week. Welcome to the work week, Robert. 🙂

  28. I’m sorry to say that my day was much the same. In a not handling luggage way. Judging from some of the comments I would say it was unanimous.

  29. Great Thanks! – although Hangover 3 would have applied Saturday morn.

  30. "HE WHO" says:

    My Monday was just fine. But today, other than the sun beating down on Niagara Falls, looks like a bummer. My wife is meeting a friend for coffee and I can’t come with her. I am devastated. I call her friend “My Sharon Stone”. Need I say more?

  31. MissFourEyes says:

    #12, sweet sweet karma. It was probably the universe saying that Mondays suck, but another’s misery can be your blog fodder.
    Sorry about your terrible Monday, hope today is so much better.

  32. twindaddy says:

    I spent my Monday running errands and get stuph done around the new place. Fun, huh?

  33. Mondays, cold weather, renovations at work – all that’s lacking is a bunch of sneezes and sore throat to set up an entire week of misery. Hopefully that didn’t happen and things are better today

  34. jmlindy422 says:

    I don’t remember Monday. When was Monday? Isn’t today Monday? Oh, no, it can’t be Monday because my children are home from school. So it must be Saturday. But, wait, my husband is at work, so it must be the middle of the week in a town where I might as well home school because my children spend more time at home than in the classroom due to holidays, snow days, teacher’s institute days, building articulation days. . . .

  35. robincoyle says:

    Well, after I won the lottery, was asked out on a date by Brad Pitt, and was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature, It was just your average day.

  36. At least you have memorable Mondays. Hook. The only thing I can remember about Mondays is the sound of the air raid siren going off. It comes to something when you’re used to the sound of an air raid siren in this day and age…

  37. wisejourney says:

    My Monday was exhausting mentally but at the end of it…on an almsot empty train . . . finally headin home- I mused and I found I had learned something.

    Every day has something to give us, offer us…teach us. Bet there was something…have a think and le me know

  38. iRuniBreathe says:

    Some days are like this. I’m glad there is only one Monday per week. You whipped off this post in fine form, though. Maybe the blogging love did help some.

  39. All I can say, Hook, is FUNICULAR!
    Did that help?
    Don’t say those things about yourself – your book is not a failure – your blog is great and I am rather impressed with your whole Hook persona.

    On the way to my blog I got Hooked
    I glanced quite askance – then I looked
    This guy was quite funny
    He wrote a book to make money
    And I admire the bravado it took

  40. Oh, boy. I’ve been away and am catching up, so now it seems Tuesday’s almost done.. I hope it was a better day for you? I’ve had a few of those days. Tossed my own blog into the ring with a few magazines and didn’t get a response.. maybe it’s just too soon:D Next time, I say!! xx

  41. Well, my dear Hook; it’s now Wednesday here in Oz… The crickets are chirping, the breeze is mellowing, the sun is about to make its entry, and I’m sitting here reading your blog…
    Ahhhhhhh; what a good life…! 😉

  42. Have you ever been freshly pressed? It seems like so few are.

    • The Hook says:

      A post from my other blog, The Book of Terrible, was Pressed two years ago, but since then, nada.
      Your work, however, is definitely worthy of being Pressed, Derek. Unfortunately, I stopped reading the Freshly Pressed section of WordPress a year ago, when it was clear there was something rotten going on over there. Certain bloggers were being Pressed multiple time while others, like yourself, were being ignored.
      Apparently things have changed, but I really don’t believe that. I sincerely hope my talented friends get their due soon.
      Be well, Derek.

  43. Wow! That’s a Monday! Hope you had a few beers after work!

  44. Jo Bryant says:

    how was my Monday? Not much better…

  45. julespaige says:

    Gotta love #12 = I call that poetic justice. 🙂
    Hoping the days have gotten better!
    Thanks for your visit.

  46. Pingback: I’m Feeling Much Better Now… | You've Been Hooked!

  47. Number 12 would have made me giddy inside ^.^

    And I agree with everyone above about how much you rock! A friend of mine is going to be in Niagra for a little bit next week, and I told him thAt the coolest bellman he meets is one of my favorite bloggers!!

  48. Nicole Marie says:

    ❤ I have days like this sometimes. If one thing goes wrong, EVERYTHING goes wrong. We love you, Hook! Don't let the shit end of the stick get you down! And I think that dumb bitty dropping her laptop and camera would have then MADE my day. 😉

  49. Pingback: Ten things you didn’t know about Miss Four Eyes | Miss Four Eyes

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