Cue the cheesy music.
On February 5, 2013, a crime was committed in a luxury suite of a Niagara Falls hotel.
A young lady, referred to by her boyfriend/agent/pimp as “Chocolate Boo Boo” murdered her dignity and self-respect over the course of a single evening.
They were twenty-three-years-old.
- Ebony and proud of it.
- Mid-size in height.
- Not so mid-size in frame, but cute nonetheless.
- Proud of her flamboyant fashion sense. Picture Laura San Giacomo in Pretty Woman.
- Latin, but his pride was hidden under layers of Bieberesque clothing.
- Short. No sense in dressing it up, he was a small man.
- Unfocussed and erratic.
I arrived at the scene at approximately 10:34 a.m. and it was immediately clear I wasn’t dealing with the standard “Boy defiles trampy Girl in hotel room” scenario. No, this was something else entirely. The evidence told the tale. It always does.
- Two eight-foot rolls of photography backdrop paper.
- Four curling irons.
- One package of see-thru body stocking.
- Two make-up cases.
- Three camera cases.
- Rose petals on the floor.
- A giant prop lollipop.
- Two photography lights.
- One riding crop.
- Two duffel bags overflowing with outfits of varying sluttiness.
A TRAVEL TIP FROM THE HOOK: Always zip your duffel bags fully when traveling, kids. You never know if your bellman has a curious mind – and a blog.
The boyfriend/agent/pimp in question helped me load the rolls onto the cart, grabbed his meal ticket by the arm “C’mon, Chocolate Boo Boo, we out of here!”, and let loose a declaration “We’re out of here, Boss! You can handle this right?” and made his way for the elevator. After a little planning and some timely intervention from one of my housekeeping colleagues, I made my way into an elevator and downstairs.
Fate was on my side for once; the lobby was virtually empty and so I was able to negotiate my over-sized load with a minimal number of casualties.
Right about now, I know some of you are giggling at my use of the term “over-sized load”, but please try to focus, okay?
I arrived at my desk, but my guests were nowhere to be found. Their equipment was in my possession so I assumed they weren’t “working”. Faced with no other option or calls, I waited.
Sixty-minutes later, a doorman rushed in – some doormen make squirrels on speed look like they’re moving in slow motion – and declared “Your guest is getting impatient, Hook! They said they want their shit!”
And so I gave them their “shit”.
After fifteen minutes of packing that is.
A TRAVEL TIP FROM THE HOOK: If you’re going to bring various pieces of photography equipment, including two eight-foot rolls of backdrop paper with you to a hotel, don’t travel in a Volkswagen!
At any rate, Pimp Daddy tipped me five bucks for my trouble, fired up his Pimpmobile and headed out.
End of story, right?
As I’m certain you’ve surmised by now, the story did not end there, far from it. The Pimpmobile raced back onto the deck a half-hour later, Pimp Daddy and Chocolate Boo Boo dashed (yes, young people can dash!) back up to the scene of the crime and demanded the housekeeper allow them access to the room once more.
- They frantically groped under the bed. Which amuses me, considering most people frantically grope on the hotel’s beds…
- They dumped the contents of the garbage can onto the newly-vacuumed carpet.
- They tore the room apart in a manner that would have put a CSI team to shame.
In spite of their best efforts, the object of their search, an SD card, remained lost to them.
And so an young woman sacrificed her dignity and self-respect by taking part in… truth be told, I really don’t know what these two brain donors were engaged in, but it was definitely not Disneyesque.
Then again, she did have a Snow White outfit…
And so our tale ends with one last Travel Tip: Ladies, if you’re going to accompany a young man to a hotel and engage in various sexual acts while clothed in a variety of outfits, which you allow him to film, make sure he guards that SD card with his life!
You won’t find that in Frommer’s, kids….