The weight of the world has me pinned down these days, so I’m going to break free with a crazy, self-indulgent, violent post skewering all things Oscar.
If I had cosmic powers I’d use them to shape an Oscar broadcast that would leave the world – and quite a few thespians – breathless. Here’s how it would go down…
1) The dreaded and ridiculously boring – for most of us at least – Red Carpet Walk would be replaced with an Indiana Jones-style obstacle course. If you want to attend Hollywood’s biggest night, you should have to earn it. The designer of choice would be Anthony Stark…
2) Former and current adult film stars could work the pre-show interview process, thus ensuring the stars would actually pay attention. And to be fair, I’ve always felt that the adult film industry should be accepted into the fold, so to speak.
Personally, I’d loved to see someone like Alexis Texas or Sunny Leone berate actresses for wearing outfits that cover up too much. Questions like this would make my night: “Who did you have to blow to get this part? Seriously, tell me!”
3) A “no acting during the broadcast” policy would put an end to the faux smiles and polite behavior that occurs when an actor loses an award they feel they deserve. Enough with the games, people! Just let it out and show the world your true selves. Trust me, for possibly the first time in the history of Hollywood, people will actually respect you.
4) Seth MacFarlane is hosting this year, but if the horribly behind-the-times Academy has their way – and they will – he’ll be muzzled and impotent. If I had my way, NO ONE would be safe. Let’s face it, Hollywood deserves its comeuppance and the Oscars, with their well-dressed audience of phonies, is the perfect place to start. And my way would ensure the viewing audience gets a real show.
Speaking of a real show with genuine stakes…
5) Jennifer Lawrence would ensure her victory in
The Hunger Games, I mean the Oscars, by employing actual arrows against her competitors, rather than bashing them verbally during a Saturday Night Live monologue. That should do wonders for the ratings. Let’s see James Franco and Anne Hathaway take things to that level for their demographic.
6) In a show of thespian solidarity, notorious method actor Daniel Day-Lewis would enlist Jessica Chastain to provide an air of authenticity to the proceedings. Jessica would arrange for a military sniper to make sure the Linlcoln actor’s night ends with a literal bang.
7) Ben Affleck would smuggle the losers out of the theater, away from the eyes of the leering public and the ever-present cameras of the paparazzi by disguising them as real actors.
8) Pre-show entertainment would be provided the lovely Helen Hunt, who would allow organizers to show a series of clips from the Best Picture nominees on her forehead. Seriously, its huge, folks.
9) One word: Bacon. It makes any event worthwhile and its more popular than most of this year’s nominated films, so why not offer winners a statue fashioned from bacon? There’s no real downside. Except for clogged arteries, of course.
10) If winners give heartfelt speeches, producers will be locked in a room with Chris Brown if they dare shut them out with music. However, if winners ramble, Kanye West will be unleashed upon the stage. That should keep thing moving at a brisk pace.
And that’s my vision in a nutshell. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take my meds…
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My thanks to my beautiful and talented friend, Kate O’Reilley author of It’s Nothing Personal, for crafting a great read. Inspired by true events, Kaye’s work is a story of endurance and pain beyond imagination. I recently let Kate down – not literally, she’s not hurt – so if you could buy a million copies of her book, I’d appreciate it….
MEANWHILE, WITHIN THE PAGES OF THE BOOK OF TERRIBLE: I… uh. I forget..
Just when I thought they’d hit the ceiling, the overlords of the Niagara Falls Comic Con decided to totally blow my mind and book Adam West! That’s right, Mayor West of television’s Family Guy will be hanging out in my neck of the woods soon.
And oh yeah, he played some guy in a cape for awhile too….
If you’re a geek like me – but somehow still cool – and you’re going to be in the Falls June 8 & 9, check it out.
PLEASE READ THIS BLOG: You’ll be moved by MJ’s story. Her life story – and that of her daughter Grace – is one of hope, the power of family and the healing power of laughter.