The weight of the world has me pinned down these days, so I’m going to break free with a crazy, self-indulgent, violent post skewering all things Oscar.
If I had cosmic powers I’d use them to shape an Oscar broadcast that would leave the world – and quite a few thespians – breathless. Here’s how it would go down…
1) The dreaded and ridiculously boring – for most of us at least – Red Carpet Walk would be replaced with an Indiana Jones-style obstacle course. If you want to attend Hollywood’s biggest night, you should have to earn it. The designer of choice would be Anthony Stark…
2) Former and current adult film stars could work the pre-show interview process, thus ensuring the stars would actually pay attention. And to be fair, I’ve always felt that the adult film industry should be accepted into the fold, so to speak.
Personally, I’d loved to see someone like Alexis Texas or Sunny Leone berate actresses for wearing outfits that cover up too much. Questions like this would make my night: “Who did you have to blow to get this part? Seriously, tell me!”
3) A “no acting during the broadcast” policy would put an end to the faux smiles and polite behavior that occurs when an actor loses an award they feel they deserve. Enough with the games, people! Just let it out and show the world your true selves. Trust me, for possibly the first time in the history of Hollywood, people will actually respect you.
4) Seth MacFarlane is hosting this year, but if the horribly behind-the-times Academy has their way – and they will – he’ll be muzzled and impotent. If I had my way, NO ONE would be safe. Let’s face it, Hollywood deserves its comeuppance and the Oscars, with their well-dressed audience of phonies, is the perfect place to start. And my way would ensure the viewing audience gets a real show.
Speaking of a real show with genuine stakes…
5) Jennifer Lawrence would ensure her victory in
The Hunger Games, I mean the Oscars, by employing actual arrows against her competitors, rather than bashing them verbally during a Saturday Night Live monologue. That should do wonders for the ratings. Let’s see James Franco and Anne Hathaway take things to that level for their demographic.
6) In a show of thespian solidarity, notorious method actor Daniel Day-Lewis would enlist Jessica Chastain to provide an air of authenticity to the proceedings. Jessica would arrange for a military sniper to make sure the Linlcoln actor’s night ends with a literal bang.
7) Ben Affleck would smuggle the losers out of the theater, away from the eyes of the leering public and the ever-present cameras of the paparazzi by disguising them as real actors.
8) Pre-show entertainment would be provided the lovely Helen Hunt, who would allow organizers to show a series of clips from the Best Picture nominees on her forehead. Seriously, its huge, folks.
9) One word: Bacon. It makes any event worthwhile and its more popular than most of this year’s nominated films, so why not offer winners a statue fashioned from bacon? There’s no real downside. Except for clogged arteries, of course.
10) If winners give heartfelt speeches, producers will be locked in a room with Chris Brown if they dare shut them out with music. However, if winners ramble, Kanye West will be unleashed upon the stage. That should keep thing moving at a brisk pace.
And that’s my vision in a nutshell. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take my meds…
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My thanks to my beautiful and talented friend, Kate O’Reilley author of It’s Nothing Personal, for crafting a great read. Inspired by true events, Kaye’s work is a story of endurance and pain beyond imagination. I recently let Kate down – not literally, she’s not hurt – so if you could buy a million copies of her book, I’d appreciate it….
MEANWHILE, WITHIN THE PAGES OF THE BOOK OF TERRIBLE: I… uh. I forget..
Just when I thought they’d hit the ceiling, the overlords of the Niagara Falls Comic Con decided to totally blow my mind and book Adam West! That’s right, Mayor West of television’s Family Guy will be hanging out in my neck of the woods soon.
And oh yeah, he played some guy in a cape for awhile too….
If you’re a geek like me – but somehow still cool – and you’re going to be in the Falls June 8 & 9, check it out.
PLEASE READ THIS BLOG: You’ll be moved by MJ’s story. Her life story – and that of her daughter Grace – is one of hope, the power of family and the healing power of laughter.
HAHahaha!! Love the obstacle course thing 😀
I had a feeling you would!
Hahaha! You really have something here. I would actually watch the show if they took your advice. Have a great day!
I know you’d watch. Their numbers would be unbelievable!
Totally. Even if they just changed the red carpet walk to a slight obstacle course!
I might actually watch the Oscars if any one of these things happened.
I will watch the Oscars if Jennifer Lawrence hosts with her arrows!! Totally rad. What a bunch of megalomaniacal. self congragulatory bullshite eh?? Thanks for the book and blog recommendation!!
Thanks for stopping by.
You have some good ideas here. The Oscars are usually so boring, I won’t be watching, however.
I don’t blame you!
These are all great ideas, but please don’t mess with my red carpet. How else am I supposed to continue my celebrity idolatry without that?!
Fine, I’ll leave your red carpet alone..
I would watch if they did the first two of your ideas
Good for you!
I’ve never watched an awards show – so I’ll have to take your word for it. I would enjoy some random violence.
Its good for the soul.
The awards or random violence on award shows?
Random violence on awards shows, of course!
Yay! Maybe hookers in elevators as well…
I would actually order cable service to watch this! brilliant Hook, just brilliant.
Now there is an Oscar night worth viewing. I’m a little surprised that you did not mention Joan Rivers & her offspring. Seriously? There had to be something to say about that.
Thanks for the book suggestion, I’m always looking.
You know, they never even crossed my mind!
Don’t tell Joan!
I think they should invite The Hook to co-host with McFarlane. Now THAT’s something I would watch for sure!
If only you were producing this year….
Obstacle course, bacon, and porn stars. It really doesn’t get better than that. I hope the people of the oscars are taking notes!
Somehow I doubt it!
But thanks anyway, partner.
Couldn’t they all just do a literal circle jerk (since that’s what it is) behind closed doors, and just have a news snippet later on about the fluid count?
Off to check out MJ…
You’re an original, my friend!
Mayor West?! Jealous.
Well, the 1960s Bat-copter will be there… I wonder if I could convince Adam to pick you up?
Sounds dangerous on second thought. He is very volatile.
I thought danger was your middle name, Becca?
Oh yeah. Tell Adam I will be ready at 6.
Easy there, sailor! The ‘con isn’t until June!
I’ll tell Adam to pencil you in for 6 p.m. on the 7th….
You’re so street, Becca.
Please don’t your meds…this was great! Only problem is, now I REALLY don’t want to see the show tomorrow…
Thanks for dropping by.
Love it, specially the obstacle course. It might care enough to actually watch it then.. Real actors. As if that’s going to happen.
I don’t watch that much tv anyway, and never watch award shows, reality shows or talk shows. Yeah, I’m a bit high maintenance with tv. In other words, not much do I watch. 😉 but I would make an exception Hookster, if the award show went with your ideas!
My ideas appear to be a big hit!
I will watch the Oscars with a jaded eye now. Such missed opportunity for real entertainment. They should hire you as the director in future years. Or, as the bellman.
I would endeavor to do good work in either capacity.
At least as a bellman you get tips. Hopefully.
That…was entertaining, Lol Gracias, Hook!
You’re hilarious.. if this were to happen, I’d be watching the Oscars for sure!
Boy, you must have had a bad week. I personally love the Oscars, probably one of the few awards shows I do. But I love the movies. I’ve seen all the major contenders save one, Amour. Of course, an award of bacon is certainly intriguing.
My week has been challenging, but I thought this post, while violent, was clever!
But maybe that’s just me.
Twas clever and I must admit I would like to see Seth McFarlane unleashed.
Were your changes to be implemented, I might just become an actor so I could run the guantlet of the red carpet…
And I would wish you luck.
Love it! Who is Seth MacFarlane?
I’m going to ignore that query, my friend……
Never heard of him – is he in Star Trek?
Great suggestions! I definitely agree about the obstacle course. Watching them all being chased into the auditorium by a giant rolling boulder would be awesome!!
And you can never have too many adult film representatives.
I SO wish you had those cosmic powers to do with, Hook…
Oh, you make me laugh every time, just every time: THANK you.
I want that obstacle course!!
I usually avoid the Oscars because they always ignore my favorite films, like the superhero movies or the big blockbuster action movies and give awards to the artsy flicks that the critics love but no one else sees. But, if they did it your way, I would watch the heck out of that. A lot of TV shows could do with more arrows and obstacle courses.
Obviously, I agree with that line of thinking…
Please, please, please plant a big kiss on Adam West for me.
Uh, yeah, that’s not going to happen, Jo…
My addition to your version of the Oscars… there must be at least one male wardrobe malfunction. Think Janet Jackson but lower. Heehee.
Sounds good! Not to me, of course, but otherwise, it sounds great!
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Lieber Gruß und einen guten Sonntag.Gislinde
Und auch Ihnen, meine liebe Freundin.
I think they should do it like the Boy Scouts do their Pinewood Derby. You have to make your own dress and earn badges before you can advance to the Oscars. Can you just imagine self-important actors like Sean Penn having to hock cookies in order to earn the right to attend?
One thing’s for sure, Penn would have cameras follow him on his rounds…
I like the idea, though!
I never watch them to be honest but I think I would if you controlled the schedule 😀
My vision appears to be a hit!
Just got finished watching another boring telecast of the Oscars. There was no rushing of the stage by Kanye. And unfortunately, there were no bacon statues. I think if bacon statues were handed out at the Oscars, the show would be a 100x’s more juicy!
I see what you did there! Well done!
Would Joan Rivers have to do the obstacle course?
That would be just plain cruel.
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