I’ve been married for eighteen glorious years – on February 20th to be exact – and so I can scarcely remember a time when I had to suffer through a horrible Valentine’s Day.
But I know many of you haven’t been so lucky.
Blind dates. The stigma of being single. The anguish of paying hundreds of dollars for flowers, chocolates and dinner, only to end the evening alone in front of a television screen watching Ginger Lynn get down and dirty with some anonymous blonde hottie…
Okay, so I can still recall a disastrous Valentine’s Day or two.
But enough about me. Here is a list of things that you really don’t want to hear emerge from your partner’s mouth on Valentine’s Day.
1) We should be good. The burning and itching are 99% gone.
2) I’ve lost the keys to the handcuffs, but don’t worry, my dad is a locksmith.
3) I’ve invited my friend Margaret to join us tonight… (Wait for it).… She only has 150 pounds left to lose on her weight-loss plan and could really use the self-esteem boost…
4) I think the oysters might have been a tad iffy…
5) We may have a timing issue.
6) But you said you needed a new vacuum.
7) I couldn’t expect my mother to cook us dinner and just leave.
8) I promise my mother will leave first thing in the morning.
9) This hotel isn’t so bad. They promised they’d take the crime scene tape down soon….
10) Erotic asphyxiation isn’t as dangerous as they say.
11) But I thought you brought the condoms.
12) Didn’t you make the reservation?
13) I’ve decided to move in with Jessica from work. (This one sucks regardless of your gender, but men will be slightly turned on if their wife utters these words.)
14) I’ve changed my Facebook status to “Free at last. Thank God I’m free at last.”
15) Pay no attention to the film crew, honey. I just wanted to make sure we had decent production values.
WHERE TO GO ON THE WEB: 5 PICKS FROM THE HOOK.
- Lauren & Hugh Do Life: A great pick for this time of year. The power of love – in blogging form.
- The Real Facts: Bob Lee is the WordPress equivalent of Ralph Nader.
- Empirella: Jamey Ordolis is a Twitter bud and a frequent contributor on the Steven and Chris show, so while I am insanely jealous of her accomplishments, I respect her talent. And she’s cute as button, which never hurts.
- The Laughing Housewife: She keeps house and she makes you laugh. That’s it.
- ABC of Spirit Talk: Carolyn Page is an original. Here’s why.
MEANWHILE, WITHIN THE PAGES OF THE BOOK OF TERRIBLE: Who doesn’t love a zombie apocalypse? Well, there is a downside….
If you’re a geek like me – but somehow still cool – and you’re going to be in the Falls June 8 & 9, check this out…