Well, my guest post for Miss Four Eyes (Thanks again, young lady!) has proven to be more successful than I could ever have imagined in my wildest dreams. Then again, my wildest dreams have nothing to do with blogging, but that’s neither here nor there…
Getting back to business….
I do my best, but sometimes, as you well know, I stumble as both a bellman and husband/father. Then again, even my failures can prove amusing.
In fact, some of the best stories have emerged from one’s failures, have you ever noticed that?
Here now, are some of the best lines that have followed the following sentence: “Don’t freak out, but..”
1. I accidentally glued the cat to the living room floor.
2. My limited edition set of replica, light-up Green Lantern power rings actually cost $200. But they’ll appreciate in value. Unless I play with them. Which I have.
3. I may have told my friends about that thing we did while on vacation – in the hotel elevator.. and the public hot tub.
4. You know when you asked me if I paid the power bill last month? Well… (Fortunately, total darkness enveloped our apartment and no further explanation was necessary.)
5. I may have exaggerated when I told you I was adept at doing the laundry.
On a related note:
6. Your new full-length dress is now a stunning mini.
7. Turns out the milk was slightly past the expiration date, so your morning cereal may make a return appearance this afternoon.
8. I may have forgot to mail Timmy’s soccer admission fees last month. But he sucks anyway.
9. Our wedding video now contains a feature film… Batman XXX, to be precise.
10. I may have cut a few corners on our wedding budget. But my cousin Artie is pretty much sober for at least half the day, so we should be good. And my other cousin is actually a great photographer, especially when people are clothed – and not having sex.
11. Remember that vase your mother gave us for our anniversary that you said you secretly hated? Well…
12. The kids didn’t actually bust the coffee table play-fighting; I sort of fumbled my Spider-Man impression…
13. I forgot to put it away the last time we watched it and the babysitter found our little “home movie”.
14. We’re now paying the babysitter’s tuition next year…
15. I may have given the kids’ teacher the impression you’d bake six dozen cookies for the bake sale – tomorrow.
16. My “old college buddy”, Sam, now goes by her full name, Samantha, and she’s going to be staying with us. And she’s a bit of a, shall we say, free spirit? So she may have gotten the wrong impression about our marital dynamic…
17. I sort of told the kids they could have a party while we’re away. (Trust me, if you’re a husband, those words will result in a death stare from your wife.)
18. You know my ex, the one you punched in the face? The one who is now a dancer at Le Girls, Girls, Girls? I kinda, sorta invited her to our wedding – and I put her at your parent’s table…
19. I got the kids a dog. But Great Danes are actually quite mild-mannered, pretty much.
20. I may have invited my mother over – to live with us.
That’s all the failure I can stomach for now folks. Enjoy your day and just remember, perfection is a burden…
MEANWHILE, WITHIN THE PAGES OF THE BOOK OF TERRIBLE: I take a look at Beyoncé’s recent troubles – and laugh at them.
If you’re a geek like me – but somehow still cool – and you’re going to be in the Falls June 8 & 9, check this out…
PLEASE READ THIS BLOG: You’ll be moved by MJ’s story. Her life story – and that of her daughter Grace – is one of hope, the power of family and the healing power of laughter.