You Know You’re a Bellman When…

First off, I wish to extend my thanks to my new friend at Coming Clean About Getting Dirty for inspiring today’s post. Let’s begin, shall we?

1.  You see more hookers than a vice cop with thirty years experience.

2.  When your wife asks to you to work around the house, you stand with your hand out afterwards… For all the good it does you.

3.  You wear your uniform to bed and ask your wife if she wants “a ride on your cart”.

4.  You serve more degenerate gamblers than a blackjack dealer.

5.  You’ve been stiffed more than a hooker in a Supergirl costume at Comic-Con.

6.  Having a selective memory is second nature. So when a regular guest who frequently enjoys the company of hookers arrives with his wife, you say “Welcome? Have you been here before, sir?”

7.  You spend more time bending over than a choir boy. To clarify: a bellman bends over to pick up luggage.

8.  A typical day ends with you walking through your front door Al Bundy style, proclaiming: “Today at the hotel…”

9.  You run into a fugitive, a drug dealer and a half-naked cheating wife running through a crowded lobby – all in the same day.

10.  The phrase, “never a dull moment” really does apply to your life.

11.  You realize you’re living a writer’s dream: an endless supply of colorful characters just waiting to be exploited.

12.  Words like “dignity” and “pride” have no place in your life story.

13.  On your best day, you go home with a wad of bills thick enough to choke a horse.

14. On your worst day, you make eight dollars – after eight hours work.

15. Corporate businessmen throw American one dollar bills at you – but you’re not a stripper.

16.  Hustling becomes second nature. You do what  you have to make a buck. Period.

17.  You’re everybody’s bitch. Front desk clerks. Guests. Everybody.

18.  Crazy is the new normal in your world.

19.  When doing your taxes, you have to wait a full fifteen minutes for the H&R Block tax guy to stop laughing after he sees your income for the year.

20.  Seniors look at you and say “So what are you going to do with your life when you get out of school, young man?”

21.  You’ve been stalked by more cougars than an elk.

22.  You’ve delivered more sex toys than UPS.

23.  At least once a week someone will  mistake you for:

  • A)  A drug dealer.
  • B)  A pimp.
  • C)  A male hooker.
  • D)  A psychiatrist.
  • E)  All of the above.

24.  You’ve delivered more Liberators – look it up – than FedEx.

25.  You’ve heard more people having sex than the audio guy for a Bree Olson movie.

MEANWHILE, OVER AT THE BOOK OF TERRIBLE: The Hook is blocked. But trust me, I still have a trick or two up my sleeve…


  1. Miss Four Eyes: She has a strange love of glasses; big ones, small ones, red ones, blue ones, all kinds! And she’s cute, talented and fearless. What more could you ask for in a blogger?
  2. Bring me the Head of David Dixon: It would take a better man than me to describe this character in a line or two. Sadly, my meager literary abilities are not up to the task…
  3. Single Malt Monkey: An ally from way back, he’s the original Renaissance man.
  4. Ava Aston’s Muckery. The original Renaissance woman. Singer. Actress. Blogger. Utterly unforgettable. She is in the midst of a true challenge that could launch the next phase of her career. Help her out if you can, okay?
  5. Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge: A true original. period. There’s nothing like this blog on WorsdPress. Trust me.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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74 Responses to You Know You’re a Bellman When…

  1. El Guapo says:

    Wait – there are hookers dressed like Supergirl at Comic Con???

    *books tickets*

  2. dinkerson says:

    I feel a little tinge of celebrity this morning. Being the first person to like one of the great Hook’s posts is like living a moment in Elvis’ blue sued shoes.

    What a list. Damn. Many of these sucked, but those cougars. I just can’t bloody handle them.!
    As Teddy Roosevelt said, “…And cary a big stick”.
    Or maybe that’s why they’re chasing me? Oh no. Lol.

  3. Your wife must worry about whether you will come home in one piece every day!

  4. Diane C says:

    OMG, #5 had me laughing out loud. I haven’t yet been to ComiCon (a girl can dream) but I have been to more than my share of anime cons. Same rule applies just put her in a Chii costume. If you don’t know Chii, look here

  5. robincoyle says:

    Here is a professional question for you. What is the proper amount to tip a bellman for delivering a vibrator? I mean, I mean, I mean . . . a suitcase.

  6. hawleywood40 says:

    I truly didn’t know that bellmen deliver sex toys. Damn, I’ve lived a sheltered life!

  7. HA! Each item funnier than the last.
    Crazy, #18, is addictive? You’d be bored, #10, in any other job! And you are so right and so lucky with #11..(.the trick is finding time and focus to stop observing the circus and freeze some of it in writing. Some day, Hook, someday you’ll have that book ….this is all research until it simmers enough to serve up – I have no doubt. Such a way with words)
    Thanks for the shout out. Always enjoy your visits – and your blog!

  8. Haha, excellent Mr. Hook….. Liberators ! Goodness me ! That’s a play on words if ever there was one ………….. and huge thanks for the shout-out…. I’m off to buff my nails. 🙂

  9. A ride on your cart, dirty dirty you! LOL! Well, at least she doesn’t make vrooming sounds, or does she 😉 Goodness Hook, I think you experience everything in life all in one day.

  10. MissFourEyes says:

    Thanks for the shout out, Hook! You’re the best!
    Have I ever told you that you make the funniest lists? I like #23 the most. I think I’d prefer being mistaken for a pimp than a psychiatrist, too much to listen to, short attention span.

  11. PigLove says:

    I love these! I got dad to read them and he actually chuckled. Can’t wait for mom to read them as well. Snort – XOXOX Bacon

  12. I’d just like to say that I clicked on the Liberators link and the parental controls on my parents computer blocked it. You know it’s a good post when…

  13. You must have an impressive poker face—I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face or lie convincingly in the midst of all that. I’d be fired pretty much immediately.

  14. 7, 23 and 24, my favorite. I was talking about Liberator the other but nobody knew what I was talking about. I’ll forward them the link.
    Have a nice weekend.

  15. twindaddy says:

    “To clarify: a bellman bends over to pick up luggage.”

    Sure. Keep telling yourself that.

  16. breezyk says:

    I wish I got mistaken for a pimp.

  17. MishaBurnett says:

    I often said that locksmiths have more experience dealing with unmedicated schizophrenics than most mental health professionals. People who are delusional and think their neighbors are out to get them don’t call the mental health hotline, they call a locksmith to install yet another deadbolt on every door in their house.

    Your list also reminds me of dialogue from a Raymond Chandler novel (I’m paraphrasing because I’m too lazy to look for the exact quote.)

    “Funny how a little old lady can catch a glimpse of someone in an alley and a year later positively identify the suspect, but you show good hotel help a clear photo and, well, they just can’t be sure.”

    “Yeah, that’s one of the qualifications for good hotel help.”

  18. rebecca2000 says:

    LOL sounds like a hit song, “ride my cart “

  19. Well I must say I learned something new today.

  20. littlesundog says:

    Clearly, I need to visit the city sometime… copulating squirrels is all I’m seeing here this time of year! Great post Mr. Hook!

  21. Well, I get to tell people that I stuff boxes all day and I’m not lying.

  22. renxkyoko says:

    LOL ! I love that part where your wife asks you to do something, and you extend your hand out for a tip ! Reflex and involuntary ! That’s so funny !

  23. Pixie Girl says:

    Oh, that was deliciously outrageous. Love it!

  24. Jennifer says:

    After that first line… Is there something you want to tell us Hook? As usual, hilarious list and I learnt something new (I appear to live under a rock here down under, very sheltered life)

  25. The Hook says:

    Hey, your life is far from boring or incomplete, Jennifer!

  26. Pingback: Blog Love « run eat life

  27. When In The City!! says:

    Hahaha…I love #20! I get asked all the time, did you want to be a school bus driver? Let me think, I am 40yrs. old driving a bus! What do YOU think?! Great post!!

  28. Jo Bryant says:

    I can’t get the image of number 3 out of my head…damn you Hook !

  29. This was too funny. Loved it!

  30. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’ll be looking at bellmen in a whole new way now. And I’ll be sure to be on my best behavior around them. One never knows whose blog one might end up on. 😉

  31. timkeen40 says:

    Yep. I had to look up Liberator. Not sure if I am richer or poorer for it, but I am more knowledgeable.

    Awesome stuff as usual.


  32. Pingback: Hookers, Hookers, Hookers! « Miss Four Eyes

  33. I snorted at 7! And I too had to look up the Liberator…. oh dear…

  34. This makes being a librarian look awesome. At least you get lots of material and a snazzy uniform!

  35. I should be a Bellman, you’ve officially convinced me of that. Are the hookers optional, I really could do without them.

  36. TBM says:

    Does she think your cart is sexy?

  37. Bellmen deliver sex toys?!? The things you teach us. 🙂 Thanks for another entertaining installment! Happy V-Day to you and yours.

  38. Pingback: Something Different, And The Hook is an Indie Dick? | You've Been Hooked!

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