First off, I wish to extend my thanks to my new friend at Coming Clean About Getting Dirty for inspiring today’s post. Let’s begin, shall we?
1. You see more hookers than a vice cop with thirty years experience.
2. When your wife asks to you to work around the house, you stand with your hand out afterwards… For all the good it does you.
3. You wear your uniform to bed and ask your wife if she wants “a ride on your cart”.
4. You serve more degenerate gamblers than a blackjack dealer.
5. You’ve been stiffed more than a hooker in a Supergirl costume at Comic-Con.
6. Having a selective memory is second nature. So when a regular guest who frequently enjoys the company of hookers arrives with his wife, you say “Welcome? Have you been here before, sir?”
7. You spend more time bending over than a choir boy. To clarify: a bellman bends over to pick up luggage.
8. A typical day ends with you walking through your front door Al Bundy style, proclaiming: “Today at the hotel…”
9. You run into a fugitive, a drug dealer and a half-naked cheating wife running through a crowded lobby – all in the same day.
10. The phrase, “never a dull moment” really does apply to your life.
11. You realize you’re living a writer’s dream: an endless supply of colorful characters just waiting to be exploited.
12. Words like “dignity” and “pride” have no place in your life story.
13. On your best day, you go home with a wad of bills thick enough to choke a horse.
14. On your worst day, you make eight dollars – after eight hours work.
15. Corporate businessmen throw American one dollar bills at you – but you’re not a stripper.
16. Hustling becomes second nature. You do what you have to make a buck. Period.
17. You’re everybody’s bitch. Front desk clerks. Guests. Everybody.
18. Crazy is the new normal in your world.
19. When doing your taxes, you have to wait a full fifteen minutes for the H&R Block tax guy to stop laughing after he sees your income for the year.
20. Seniors look at you and say “So what are you going to do with your life when you get out of school, young man?”
21. You’ve been stalked by more cougars than an elk.
22. You’ve delivered more sex toys than UPS.
23. At least once a week someone will mistake you for:
- A) A drug dealer.
- B) A pimp.
- C) A male hooker.
- D) A psychiatrist.
- E) All of the above.
24. You’ve delivered more Liberators – look it up – than FedEx.
25. You’ve heard more people having sex than the audio guy for a Bree Olson movie.
MEANWHILE, OVER AT THE BOOK OF TERRIBLE: The Hook is blocked. But trust me, I still have a trick or two up my sleeve…
WHERE TO GO ON THE WEB: 5 PICKS FROM THE HOOK.
- Miss Four Eyes: She has a strange love of glasses; big ones, small ones, red ones, blue ones, all kinds! And she’s cute, talented and fearless. What more could you ask for in a blogger?
- Bring me the Head of David Dixon: It would take a better man than me to describe this character in a line or two. Sadly, my meager literary abilities are not up to the task…
- Single Malt Monkey: An ally from way back, he’s the original Renaissance man.
- Ava Aston’s Muckery. The original Renaissance woman. Singer. Actress. Blogger. Utterly unforgettable. She is in the midst of a true challenge that could launch the next phase of her career. Help her out if you can, okay?
- Philosopher Mouse of the Hedge: A true original. period. There’s nothing like this blog on WorsdPress. Trust me.
You've Been Hooked! 
Wait – there are hookers dressed like Supergirl at Comic Con???
*books tickets*
Have fun!
I feel a little tinge of celebrity this morning. Being the first person to like one of the great Hook’s posts is like living a moment in Elvis’ blue sued shoes.
What a list. Damn. Many of these sucked, but those cougars. I just can’t bloody handle them.!
As Teddy Roosevelt said, “…And cary a big stick”.
Or maybe that’s why they’re chasing me? Oh no. Lol.
Nice one! And congrats on being #1!
Your wife must worry about whether you will come home in one piece every day!
She’s used to being the wife of a bellman by now!
OMG, #5 had me laughing out loud. I haven’t yet been to ComiCon (a girl can dream) but I have been to more than my share of anime cons. Same rule applies just put her in a Chii costume. If you don’t know Chii, look here http://data.whicdn.com/images/30064186/_255BOtakuYO_255D_2BChii_2B-_2B10_large.jpg
Great share, Diane!
Thanks!
Here is a professional question for you. What is the proper amount to tip a bellman for delivering a vibrator? I mean, I mean, I mean . . . a suitcase.
Depends on valuable the vibrator, I mean “suitcase” is to you.
I truly didn’t know that bellmen deliver sex toys. Damn, I’ve lived a sheltered life!
Half the time we don’t know what we’re delivering, either! But you can hear the suckers humming away in the luggage…
That’s too funny! Bartenders put up with a ton of crazy too, but no dildo deliveries.
HA! Each item funnier than the last.
Crazy, #18, is addictive? You’d be bored, #10, in any other job! And you are so right and so lucky with #11..(.the trick is finding time and focus to stop observing the circus and freeze some of it in writing. Some day, Hook, someday you’ll have that book ….this is all research until it simmers enough to serve up – I have no doubt. Such a way with words)
Thanks for the shout out. Always enjoy your visits – and your blog!
Likewise!
Haha, excellent Mr. Hook….. Liberators ! Goodness me ! That’s a play on words if ever there was one ………….. and huge thanks for the shout-out…. I’m off to buff my nails. 🙂
Have fun! And you’re welcome.
A ride on your cart, dirty dirty you! LOL! Well, at least she doesn’t make vrooming sounds, or does she 😉 Goodness Hook, I think you experience everything in life all in one day.
I lead a full life, it’s true.
And yes, I can get a little blue at times, but there have never been any “vrooming” sounds coming from my bedroom!
Rofl! Oh Hook, you are such a joy, really.
No vrooming sounds?! Dang! 😉
Thanks for the shout out, Hook! You’re the best!
Have I ever told you that you make the funniest lists? I like #23 the most. I think I’d prefer being mistaken for a pimp than a psychiatrist, too much to listen to, short attention span.
I think you’re right – about everything!
I love these! I got dad to read them and he actually chuckled. Can’t wait for mom to read them as well. Snort – XOXOX Bacon
I hope they enjoy them!
I’d just like to say that I clicked on the Liberators link and the parental controls on my parents computer blocked it. You know it’s a good post when…
Indeed!
You must have an impressive poker face—I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face or lie convincingly in the midst of all that. I’d be fired pretty much immediately.
Nah, you’re made of stronger stuff!
7, 23 and 24, my favorite. I was talking about Liberator the other but nobody knew what I was talking about. I’ll forward them the link.
Have a nice weekend.
You too. And thanks!
“To clarify: a bellman bends over to pick up luggage.”
Sure. Keep telling yourself that.
Easy there!
Ha ha!
I wish I got mistaken for a pimp.
You could do it! By the way, I have to get a chance to visit your wonderful blog soon. I’ve been an absent friend.
Sorry.
I often said that locksmiths have more experience dealing with unmedicated schizophrenics than most mental health professionals. People who are delusional and think their neighbors are out to get them don’t call the mental health hotline, they call a locksmith to install yet another deadbolt on every door in their house.
Your list also reminds me of dialogue from a Raymond Chandler novel (I’m paraphrasing because I’m too lazy to look for the exact quote.)
“Funny how a little old lady can catch a glimpse of someone in an alley and a year later positively identify the suspect, but you show good hotel help a clear photo and, well, they just can’t be sure.”
“Yeah, that’s one of the qualifications for good hotel help.”
I love that! Thanks, Misha!
LOL sounds like a hit song, “ride my cart “
Great idea! Can you sing, Rebecca?
Yes. But you wouldn’t want me to because it is really really bad.
Well I must say I learned something new today.
That’s what I’m here for!
Clearly, I need to visit the city sometime… copulating squirrels is all I’m seeing here this time of year! Great post Mr. Hook!
You’re missing out! Still, I could use a little time in your paradise…
Well, I get to tell people that I stuff boxes all day and I’m not lying.
At least it’s honest work. Thanks for stopping by.
LOL ! I love that part where your wife asks you to do something, and you extend your hand out for a tip ! Reflex and involuntary ! That’s so funny !
Real life is a hoot sometimes.
Oh, that was deliciously outrageous. Love it!
I love this comment. Thanks!
After that first line… Is there something you want to tell us Hook? As usual, hilarious list and I learnt something new (I appear to live under a rock here down under, very sheltered life)
Hey, your life is far from boring or incomplete, Jennifer!
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Hahaha…I love #20! I get asked all the time, did you want to be a school bus driver? Let me think, I am 40yrs. old driving a bus! What do YOU think?! Great post!!
Thanks! Always great to hear from another “working-class citizen”!
I can’t get the image of number 3 out of my head…damn you Hook !
Sorry.
This was too funny. Loved it!
Thanks, Alice!
You are most welcome 🙂
I’ll be looking at bellmen in a whole new way now. And I’ll be sure to be on my best behavior around them. One never knows whose blog one might end up on. 😉
Very true. One must be ever vigilant these days, Carrie.
Yep. I had to look up Liberator. Not sure if I am richer or poorer for it, but I am more knowledgeable.
Awesome stuff as usual.
Tim
Thanks, Tim. I’m here to entertain and enlighten!
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I snorted at 7! And I too had to look up the Liberator…. oh dear…
I think a lot of people are getting a crash course on the Liberator. I think the company owes me a free sample!
This makes being a librarian look awesome. At least you get lots of material and a snazzy uniform!
I should be a Bellman, you’ve officially convinced me of that. Are the hookers optional, I really could do without them.
They can be difficult to avoid, but you could manage!
Does she think your cart is sexy?
Bellmen deliver sex toys?!? The things you teach us. 🙂 Thanks for another entertaining installment! Happy V-Day to you and yours.
And to you as well, my lovely and talented friend.
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