Belated Birthday Greetings For Le Clown, Why The HuffPost Blog Team Hates Me, and a Truly Grateful Guest.

BEFORE WE BEGIN: A belated Happy Birthday to Le Clown. You have been well and truly blessed, my new friend. Enjoy the love and adoration coming your way. You lucky bastard.

On with the show…

Two years ago, I jumped into the wild, wonderful world of blogging to blow off some of the considerable steam that had built up after thirteen years of serving the public.

Then a funny thing happened.

I discovered I really enjoyed indulging my creative side. I made hundreds of new friends. I started a second blog, wrote a book no one wants to read and I began pursuing a serious career as a not-so-serious writer.

And it’s all gone downhill from there.

Among the many media outlets that have chosen to ignore/reject me is the Huffington Post Canada. Few news outlets have the reputation and respect of the Huffington Post. In July 2012, it was ranked #1 on the 15 Most Popular Political Sites, while I was voted most likely to slash my wrists with a hotel razor.

Don’t worry, though, hotel razors are too dull to do much harm… Where were we? Oh yeah, the HuffPost.

The HuffPost Blog Team are a truly talented bunch who count among their number the Ironic Mom herself, Leane Shirtliffe, a blogger/writer I truly admire. I would like nothing more than to stand shoulder-to-shoulder – virtually, that is – with Leanne as one of the privileged few. But alas, it appears it is my fate to languish in obscurity. Still, I am haunted by what could have been and of course, the question remains: Why am I not good enough for the HuffPost Blog Team?

Here are some possible answers.

1) They like humorists. At best, I’m a chucklist. My work generates a chuckle or two among my readers, but is soon forgotten once they sober up or the Xanax wears off…

2) You need to have your finger on the pulse of the nation. HuffPost bloggers have attuned their literary senses to accurately reflect the mood of this wonderful land we call Canada. My fingers are too busy grasping the laundry baskets or plastic bags that the Modern Traveler uses as luggage to take the pulse of anything, never mind the collective pulse of an entire nation.

3) They require their bloggers to be talented, gifted writers. It’s always something with these political types, isn’t it? Snooki “wrote” a book, but I can’t get arrested by the publishing world. A lack of actual talent never stood in the way of the Kardashians, the Biebers, the Lohans, but it’s sure holding me back.

All right, that concludes the self-deprecating humor portion of our program. Now let’s take a look at how my most-recent Saturday went.

It was quiet at the Bell Desk. The bulk of the weekend’s check-ins had been accounted for the previous night, so that left the usual suspects to be dealt with.

  • Horny frat boys who were sure to strike out.
  • Families who were too cheap to spring for the entire weekend.
  • Hardcore gamblers out for a one-day shot at glory.
  • Bachelorette parties.

In other words, it was a typical Saturday.

With one notable exception.

She was a statuesque, voluptuous, young blond goddess with a smile as powerful as a black hole, eyes equally deep and a manner that could disarm a charter member of the NRA in a heartbeat.

In other words, she was the girl next door, the babysitter most wives wouldn’t let their husband drive home and as the old folks say, a real looker. Her judgement however, was suspect, to say the least.

I dropped off her bags in short order and as I was leaving she took it upon herself to make my day truly memorable on more than one level. A ten-dollar bill left her hand and was eagerly grasped by mine. In fact, I nearly squealed like a schoolgirl when I cast my eyes upon the bill.

And why not? After all, I started my shift at ten a.m and by the time of our meeting (three p.m.) I has secured a nice round number in terms of the day’s gratuities: you guessed it, my pockets were empty. And so my reaction to my new best friend’s generosity was understandable, at least in my opinion.

“Miss, if it were appropriate or allowed, I’d hug you. You’ve made my day.”

It was at that point that matters took a decidedly, shall we say, “blue” turn?

She pounced, wrapping her arms around my bulky form – between my winter jacket and the various shirts I need to protect my forty-something body from the ravages of the Canadian winter, I had no less than five layers on – and drawing me close to her.

She smelled like youth. Think jasmine and non-degrading cells.

Her breath was simultaneously warm and moist. And young.

Her voice took on a husky, throaty, youthful tenor.

Did I mention she was young?

Her words were delivered slowly, with all the precision and timing of a surgeon. Or someone who had just finished reading all three Fifty Shades novels at once.

“You don’t have to go, you know,” she said, “You could hang around. My friend is open to new things.”

It was at that point I realized three things:

  1. She had a friend in the washroom, for the record, a female, who was apparently open to new things.
  2. I was actually having an experience that I could weave into a story that would begin with “I never thought it would happen to me…”
  3. I had the ultimate amorous guest repelling weapon on my finger.

Or so I thought.

I pulled away from her and took a step back before saying “Actually, miss, I’m – ” I raised my left hand to display my wedding ring..

Which was sitting on my nightstand at home.

“Damn.” was the only thing that came to mind. Fortunately, my new friend got the message. She flashed another killer smile my way, we gave each other a parting nod and I spent the next twenty minutes trying to remember my wife’s name.

Kidding. Sort of.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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73 Responses to Belated Birthday Greetings For Le Clown, Why The HuffPost Blog Team Hates Me, and a Truly Grateful Guest.

  1. susielindau says:

    Hahaha!
    Happy Birthday Le Clown. I hope it was le wonderful!
    How do you even get noticed by Huff post? Comments?
    You should be proud of that tan-line on your ring finger. I am sure your wife is too!

    • The Hook says:

      They have a section on their site where blogging hopefuls can pitch their ideas. Other than that, I have no idea how to draw their attention. Other than blogging about them that is…
      And yes, the wife was pleased with how things worked out. Otherwise, she would have put a fresh dent into my skull, no doubt…

  2. rossmurray1 says:

    I think I need photographic evidence to buy this story. (I’m talking about the 10-dollar tip, of course.)

  3. Diane C says:

    Those Huffington Post people are crazy. Your post today was hilarious! Don’t get discouraged – it’s all a matter of numbers.

  4. List of X says:

    Maybe your story partially explains what stopping you from getting published: letting your wedding ring stand in a way of a good story ๐Ÿ™‚ That’s something that would never stop the Biebers and the Lohans. I don’t think anyone still publishes stories about marital fidelity unless it involves vampires or superheroes.

  5. The Hook says:

    True.
    Then again, how do I indulge my dark side, write about it, and stay married? I need my wife. She knows things…

  6. I totally know how you may get in! Have you seen the live tv show they do well I was realllly on like all the time commenting on guests in the live comment section. Had some questions read on air! You wouldn’t believe my surprise when I received an e-mail from a producer a week or so later asking me to come on there live feed video chat as a guest! I couldn’t because I have a toddler and he screams and goes crazy but I think if you get on and start to participate they may reach out to you! Ooohhh you know you could see what the shows are and write a blog post about one or to and promote them in the live blog chat part! What do you think?

    • The Hook says:

      I think you’re brilliant as well as talented and beautiful! I’ll look into that as soon as I can!

      • Awh flattery will get EVERYWHERE with me!!!:)
        Hope it works out! I moonlight as a muse fyi so any ideas you need let me know!!
        I don’t know if you know this but there are databases out there for websites looking for writers and bloggers. have you checked those out too?

  7. twindaddy says:

    Mrs. The Hook is a lucky woman to have a man with such HARDENED resolve. Bravo to you, sir. Most men would have forgotten they were married.

  8. JackieP says:

    I love Jasmine’s ideas. You just have to think outside the box! You are funny, well mannered, and faithful to your wife. Which for the really popular is a downside. But hey look on the bright side! You don’t have a new dent in the head. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  9. unfetteredbs says:

    I bet you were whistling all day and your feet were a little lighter though. Good man Mr. Hook. I am sure your wife knows she is lucky as far as the Huffington Post… please don’t give them more praise than they are worth. You are far more entertaining to my conservative brain than they are..(grin)

  10. Le Clown says:

    The Hook,
    Fuck The Huff (and the Hoff for that matter). One day, someone will come over to The Hook, and on your blog you will grab someone’s attention. And at that point, have them pitch their best lure on your own blog…
    Thanks for the BDAY wish, I appreciate it.
    Le Clown

  11. mairedubhtx says:

    The HuffPost people don’t realize what they’re missing by not having you on their team. You are one of the funniest people I know, and I know a few (I’ve been around awhile, you know). Seriously, I think you are bright and wickedly funny and talented and I’m proud to know you as a blogging friend. Then again, I’ve never been Freshly Pressed and never will be. Tant pis, as the French say.

    • The Hook says:

      You never give yourself enough credit, cutie! Knock that off! Being Freshly Pressed is highly overrated, as far as I’m concerned. I’ve seen WordPress shine their spotlight on a single blog THREE TIMES while ignoring talented bloggers for years. I love WP, but they boggle the mind at times…
      By the way, thanks again for the praise! I’m proud to call you friend as well.
      And who knows what the future holds? Maybe my attempt at self-deprecating humor will attract the HuffPost Blog Team’s attention.
      Probably not, but you never know, right?

  12. Jo Bryant says:

    Forget the Huff Post…you lead such an interesting life anyways

  13. Michael says:

    Why does that never happen to me? (Le sigh). Anywho, bravo on resisting temptation. ๐Ÿ™‚

  14. Jennifer says:

    Never mind the Huffington, you’re better than that (sorry, Leanne), your life is so much more than that. Truth is stranger than fiction. And so much funnier. Enough of the self depreciating self pity too. Move on already.

  15. renxkyoko says:

    Nooooo way, Mr. Hook ! ! No matter what ! ! =_=”

  16. tteclod says:

    Call your wife before declining unusual opportunities with pretty girls, especially pretty girls with female friends. She can only say no. And dent your head.

  17. sonsothunder says:

    Maybe you’re just not quite tree slobberingly, sickeningly, liberal enough for them…
    One thing you certainly have no lack of…is raw talent…Or, make that two things…Raw talent, and the Gift to breath into it life…
    Keep Up The Great Work…

  18. robincoyle says:

    You are always on my chucklist. I mean chuckle-list. You crack me up, but I’ve told you that already. Oh, and your wife’s name . . . Mrs. Ex-Hook. She canned your sorry ass.

  19. you must be a looker yourself, boyo~

  20. You big skite, you….! ๐Ÿ˜‰
    Not doing so well in one area, and yet doing better than most in others… ! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  21. Oh, the Huff puff. I like the Huff Post. I read it for headlines, but I think they’re blog writers are just ok. I haven’t read Leane. I think the bigger your audience the less creative they are sometimes. So, see, you’re just too creative for them! And this story…did this really happen?! Tell me, truth?

  22. So confession….the girl was me.

  23. Kidding…but this is priceless. Definitely going on the “So ridiculous you couldn’t have made that up” list

  24. MissFourEyes says:

    People of the HuffPost clearly don’t know what they’re missing. I always thought being a chucklist was a good thing. You crack us up every time. They need more chucklists like you.
    You say “ Fortunately , my new friend got the message.” I hear something else….

  25. >My work generates a chuckle or two among my readers, but is soon forgotten once they sober up or the Xanax wears offโ€ฆ
    – You NOT talking to me? Iโ€™m a teetotaler and the only upper I down is Centrum with my breakfast.

    Kate

  26. TBM says:

    Old folks are saying, “a real looker.” I always thought they were saying “a real hooker.”

  27. Screw those Huff Post people! Your work generates more than a chuckle. Every time.

  28. Huff Puff!
    You are amazing, fun, talented all in your own way, and look at all the comments! You truly have supporters, who get you ๐Ÿ™‚ I know if I ever need a laugh, just adventure over to you.

  29. timkeen40 says:

    As for the girls…good choice, though it must hurt to be right.

    As for the Huffington Post and the rejections, I read an account of a certain author who used to take his rejection slips and keep them under a pushpin on a cork board. Soon, the rejection slips were nearly more than the pushpin could handle. He didn’t have phone service when the publishers were trying to contact him to make an offer for his book… Carrie.

    I don’t know if Mr. King ever had the opportunity to turn down two young girls, but he certainly didn’t turn down the publisher. Keep writing. And keep trying.

    Tim

  30. Great post, Hook! It is a rush to get some wicked fun attention from an attractive member of the opposite sex. You’re a good man not to give in to temptation. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  31. jlheuer says:

    Well its those private things that only your wife knows that makes you different from the Bieb, The Kardashians and Lindsey. They don’t give a rip about what they do and who knows it. I’m not saying you should “reveal all”, just saying because you are better, you’ll have to work harder to get those publishers knocking at your door. Stay warm.

  32. Well well!! Looks like she DID have good taste! Or at least your wife would agree ^.^

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