Lies The Hook Told Me…

Yes, this makes two posts in two days. What can I say? I’m riding a creative wave that’s sure to collapse soon…

Two simple truth about the hospitality game:

1. Sometimes you have to lie to guests.
2. A bellman can’t change Truth #1.

Here then, are ten lies I’ve had to tell guests in order to maintain peace, tranquility and my sanity. In that order. And yes, I really am a smart-ass. The trick is to assess the personality of each guest/target and apply the necessary amount of “smartassery” to make them laugh with you, rather than send them right to the Front Desk. It’s a skill that requires years of practice.

1) Yes, Ma’am, we are currently ghost free. We have the hotel swept by exorcists regularly.

2) No need to be concerned, sir, I’m sure your wife won’t mind that you’ve invited your best friend, Ray, to spend your anniversary with you.

The next two lies were directed at the fifteen-year-old daughters of a regular guest who decided to request a truthful critique of their outfits from yours truly. Ah, to be young and foolish again…

3) That outfit doesn’t make you like a whore at all, miss. Your father won’t object to the plunging neckline that reaches your navel or the skirt that begins and ends in the same spot…

4) You’re fine too, miss. You can hardly see those nipples at all. (But you really, really could.)

5) Not to worry, sir. I’m sure your wife won’t mind that you’ve invited her best friend to stay with you in your one bedroom suite – on your anniversary. (That one nearly went off the rails, but fortunately for me, the blood was rushing away from his head at the time.)

6) Three dollars is a sufficient tip for eighteen bags, sir.

7) Oh no, miss, this is one of our best rooms. Just ignore the headless pigeon corpse outside the window..

8) Some women just naturally giggle when they see their date naked for the first time, sir.

9) Your children are adorable, folks. I love sleeveless t-shirts and mullets on kids.

10) It’s been my pleasure to serve you. Come again. I said that once. On my first day as a bellman. Never again.

WHERE TO GO ON THE WEB: 5 PICKS FROM THE HOOK.

1. The Serenity Game: Trinity Rivers is an old friend – who isn’t actually old – but is fun to hang out with. Check her out and you’ll walk away with a cool recipe or two and a smile on your face. 
2. 50 Year Project: TBM is living the life. Hop over and see what most of us are missing.
3. tracy fulks: She’s fearless, cute, gifted, and most of all, a survivor. There’s no one quite like her.
4. Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride: Another blogger who deserves an entire post (but I just don’t have the time yet, Susie!), Susie is an incredibly gifted woman who will infuse some much-needed fun int your life. All you have to do is take your little finger and “click”…
5. Jasmine Kyle Sings: Not only is she fun to visit, she has the best damn gravatar on WordPress, at least in my opinion. You may disagree, but it makes me smile and that’s priceless. She’s also the best thing to come out of Milwaukee Wisconsin since Laverne & Shirley..

And once again, I’ll get to everyone soon. Yes, everyone; it’s going to take forever and a day, but I’ll get there. Promise! In fact, here’s a bonus recommendation… or two. Or three.

• My Life, Such As It is: mairedubhtx is another survivor and a beautiful soul who loves her grandkids. She’s also a fiercely loyal blog follower. What more could you ask for, folks?
• Lily In Canada: She’s a Canuck by marriage, but I still consider her a countryman. or countrygirl, I mean! She’s comically gifted. Check her out.
• The Waiting: Emily will buoy your spirits. Every. Single. Time. And the name is a misnomer; you get served immediately.

And a special bonus shout-out has to be extended to Just Another Canadian Gurl for being a true, blue friend who is willing to go above and beyond for a virtual stranger. This young lady sent an e-mail and tweet on my behalf to Mr. Kevin Forget of Breakfast Television Toronto. I’ve been trying to attract Mr. Forget’s attention for months and this pretty. young lady took it upon herself to help me out on Twitter and I can never thank her enough.

OVER AT THE BOOK OF TERRIBLE:

I take a look at some of the perils of traveling. Ten of ’em, to be precise. Check it out.