Lies The Hook Told Me…

Yes, this makes two posts in two days. What can I say? I’m riding a creative wave that’s sure to collapse soon…

Two simple truth about the hospitality game:

  1. Sometimes you have to lie to guests.
  2. A bellman can’t change Truth #1.

Here then, are ten lies I’ve had to tell guests in order to maintain peace, tranquility and my sanity. In that order. And yes, I really am a smart-ass. The trick is to assess the personality of each guest/target and apply the necessary amount of “smartassery” to make them laugh with you, rather than send them right to the Front Desk. It’s a skill that requires years of practice.

1) Yes, Ma’am, we are currently ghost free. We have the hotel swept by exorcists regularly.

2) No need to be concerned, sir, I’m sure your wife won’t mind that you’ve invited your best friend, Ray, to spend your anniversary with you.

The next two lies were directed at the fifteen-year-old daughters of a regular guest who decided to request a truthful critique of their outfits from yours truly. Ah, to be young and foolish again…

3) That outfit doesn’t make you like a whore at all, miss. Your father won’t object to the plunging neckline that reaches your navel or the skirt that begins and ends in the same spot…

4) You’re fine too, miss. You can hardly see those nipples at all. (But you really, really could.)

5) Not to worry, sir. I’m sure your wife won’t mind that you’ve invited her best friend to stay with you in your one bedroom suite – on your anniversary. (That one nearly went off the rails, but fortunately for me, the blood was rushing away from his head at the time.)

6) Three dollars is a sufficient tip for eighteen bags, sir.

7) Oh no, miss, this is one of our best rooms. Just ignore the headless pigeon corpse outside the window..

8) Some women just naturally giggle when they see their date naked for the first time, sir.

9) Your children are adorable, folks. I love sleeveless t-shirts and mullets on kids.

10) It’s been my pleasure to serve you. Come again. I said that once. On my first day as a bellman. Never again.


  1. The Serenity Game: Trinity Rivers is an old friend – who isn’t actually old – but is fun to hang out with. Check her out and you’ll walk away with a cool recipe or two and a smile on your face. 
  2. 50 Year Project: TBM is living the life. Hop over and see what most of us are missing.
  3. tracy fulks: She’s fearless, cute, gifted, and most of all, a survivor. There’s no one quite like her.
  4. Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride: Another blogger who deserves an entire post (but I just don’t have the time yet, Susie!), Susie is an incredibly gifted woman who will infuse some much-needed fun int your life. All you have to do is take your little finger and “click”…
  5. Jasmine Kyle Sings: Not only is she fun to visit, she has the best damn gravatar on WordPress, at least in my opinion. You may disagree, but it makes me smile and that’s priceless. She’s also the best thing to come out of Milwaukee Wisconsin since Laverne & Shirley..

And once again, I’ll get to everyone soon. Yes, everyone; it’s going to take forever and a day, but I’ll get there. Promise! In fact, here’s a bonus recommendation… or two. Or three.

  • My Life, Such As It is: mairedubhtx is another survivor and a beautiful soul who loves her grandkids. She’s also a fiercely loyal blog follower. What more could you ask for, folks?
  • Lily In Canada: She’s a Canuck by marriage, but I still consider her a countryman. or countrygirl, I mean! She’s comically gifted. Check her out.
  • The Waiting: Emily will buoy your spirits. Every. Single. Time. And the name is a misnomer; you get served immediately.

And a special bonus shout-out has to be extended to Just Another Canadian Gurl for being a true, blue friend who is willing to go above and beyond for a virtual stranger. This young lady sent an e-mail and tweet on my behalf to Mr. Kevin Forget of Breakfast Television Toronto. I’ve been trying to attract Mr. Forget’s attention for months and this pretty. young lady took it upon herself to help me out on Twitter and I can never thank her enough.


I take a look at some of the perils of traveling. Ten of ’em, to be precise. Check it out.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Life and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

89 Responses to Lies The Hook Told Me…

  1. wherethedaytakesme says:

    Goodness. What a pleasure it is to see another blog post. 🙂

  2. Thanks for shout out,,,NOT 😦
    Good post tho,,lol

    • The Hook says:

      Sometimes I click on your link and I get a “account suspended” notice! But I’m about to update this post to give you the recognition you so richly deserve for being such a good friend and helping me out with Kevin Forget of BT!

  3. I was going to have you take in 100 bags of mine and then ask for change for a dollar. What kind of lie would the conjure up from you brain?

  4. Oh, my. Forgot you might have repeat guests you have to be careful with….politics with the job….Hey, guess you’ve had enough practice and are now ready to run for public office – at least you’ve obviously got a sense of humor and some commons sense.

  5. renxkyoko says:

    Ha ha That’s funny. Although I’m not laughing at the cheaters. =_=

      • renxkyoko says:

        My heart goes out to the wife…. I feel bad for her, really bad. Wives should divorce the cheating husbands and clean out their bank accounts, just like what happened to the guy we know. Sorry…. I really feel very strongly about this.

      • The Hook says:

        And that speaks volumes about your character, my friend.

      • renxkyoko says:

        Maybe I’ve been too harsh ? But I’ve seen the devastation cheating can cause to a family. And the hurt and pain.
        Oh, well, I guess, I’ve been too harsh.

        i know of a couple ( relative ) who were about to get married ( church and wedding dress already prepared) then the fiancee found out her fiance got a girl pregnant, a co worker of the girl. The pain was unimaginable. I felt it too.

      • The Hook says:

        I see your point. I see cheaters every day and I don’t always take the time to look beyond the surface. Thank you for enlightening me.

      • renxkyoko says:

        ooops, a co-worker of the guy.

  6. dinkerson says:

    Damn cheaters. Damn whore 15 year olds. Damn.

  7. rossmurray1 says:

    You said “nipples” to a 15-year-old girl? You brave sonuvabitch!

  8. unfetteredbs says:

    I agree Jasmine’s gravatar rocks and she never fails to make me smile– Lily in Canada too.

  9. twindaddy says:

    Lying to the customer is always such fun.

  10. JackieP says:

    You are going to spoil us Hook! 😉 If I ever get your way I am going to stay at your place. haha! But hey, I’m easy going. Now I am going to check out some blogs, especially the one from Milwaukee, where I grew up! See ya!

  11. Lily says:

    Well thank you so much! I’m honored! I love Emily and Jasmine! I’ll have to check out the others! Thanks Hook, you’re sweet!

  12. Jo Bryant says:

    The Hook lies…well, don’t that just beat all.

  13. I think #9 is my favorite. Having grown up in the South, I’m pretty sure I’ve told that lie a couple times myself.

    Thank you so much for the shout-out! Seriously, that’s one of the nicest things anyone ever said about my blog.

  14. Fiona says:

    I need to learn from you, Hook. I have a tendency to be a little bit too honest and that gets me in hot water a lot. And when I DO lie, I’m a really bad liar. LOL.

    • The Hook says:

      I don’t like lying but it comes with the territory – unfortunately.

      • Fiona says:

        Well, there isn’t a single human being who doesn’t lie, because we are human. I guess you have to pick your lies – ones that are in the greater human interest and ones that aren’t.

  15. Karmelkarmel says:

    WOW …. the story and buttons, amazing, very good your pen The Hook.
    Good weekend and …

  16. susielindau says:

    WOW! Thanks so much! I really appreciate the shout out Hook! I had turned off the internet for a while to work on my rewrite. I will check out the other links too!

    I love #9! There is nothing so heartwarming as a kid with a mullet or a long rat-tail. Remember those?
    Thanks again! You made my whole week!

  17. Jennifer says:

    So the thrill wore off #10 pretty quick then?
    Kids with mullets, adorable? ~shudders~ we all know where to find them in 10 years, dont we.
    I used to grumble about the constant same same with boys clothes, but now, it’s for reasons like 3 & 4 that I am glad I have boys.
    And while vaguely amusing, still really sad for those involved in cheating couples, they’ll get theirs soon enough though.
    Time to check out the web. 🙂

  18. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    #1 is my favorite. Hee. Also, you should know that Anthony found your book while unpacking boxes and means to read it. I will, too, before too too long. 😀

  19. rebecca2000 says:

    hahah I was cracking up. The girls was dangerous either way you cut it. The pigeon lmao

  20. >The trick is to assess the personality of each guest/target and apply the necessary amount of “smartassery” to make them laugh with you, rather than send them right to the Front Desk. It’s a skill that requires years of practice.
    – Make that, hard practice. 😦

    >Here then, are ten lies I’ve had to tell guests in order to maintain peace, tranquility and my sanity.
    – The means justify the end. Sometimes.


  21. MissFourEyes says:

    Mullets and nipples, kids are just getting cuter by the second
    Your lies are hilarious, Hook! I can’t tell you how much I would love to say any one of those to someone.

  22. TBM says:

    Headless pigeons–that would make for an interesting ghost story. I forgive you for lying. Seriously, humans can’t handle the truth. At least that’s my experience since I’m usually truthful and have to receive that look that says, “Did you really just say that? What a jerk!”

    Thanks for the shout out. You’re the best!

  23. mairedubhtx says:

    Thank you for the shout-out, Hook. That was very kind of you. I only hope people aren’t disappointed when they come to visit. Bless you.

  24. Littlesundog says:

    Lies, or clever wit? You ROCK Mr. Hook!

  25. Love lying to my guests … it’s part of the hospitality game. 🙂 Great post and thanks for the links to new bloggers.

  26. robincoyle says:

    I’m at the Four Seasons in Westlake Village (Los Angeles area) and because of you, I look at the bellmen in a whole new light. I’m tempted to tell them about your blog.

  27. So wait, does that mean that your hotel is currently NOT ghost free? I’d also love to know the backstory that caused you to tell Lie #8.

    • The Hook says:

      I’m not quite certain what our ghost status currently is…
      As for #8, sometimes people open up to bellman as they would to a bartender. Unfortunately, that’s not always a good thing…

  28. Nicole Marie says:

    7) Oh no, miss, this is one of our best rooms. Just ignore the headless pigeon corpse outside the window..

    Is it weird I want to stay in that room now? Your job sounds very similar to mine, in terms of the strange things we hear…..

  29. giselzitrone says:

    Gruß und alles Liebe für die Woche.Gislinde

  30. I think I snorted my laugh when I read #8. It seems as though there is a never a dull moment for you at work, Hook. 🙂

  31. jlheuer says:

    So you do have ghosts.

  32. Pingback: Hookers, Hookers, Hookers! « Miss Four Eyes

  33. bfg666 says:

    #8 is a killer! I’m sure the story that sparked this hookism would be worth telling. All 10 of them, actually…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s