Top Ten Signs Your Vacation Date is Dead on Arrival.

Over the course of my fifteen years as a bellman, I’ve seen hundreds of couples that are traveling together for the first time. Some of these trips go well. Some do not.

  The first five are “guy-centric”:

1) Your date suggests you try erotic asphyxiation and then tries to actually strangle you.

2) After you arrive, the young lady tells you that she would like to spend some time with her other boyfriend,  to whom she affectionately refers to as “Big Double D”.

3) At check-in time she whispers to the clerk, “Could you give us separate rooms? In separate wings of the hotel?”

4) Your date spends the entire road trip to the hotel window shopping on eHarmony.

5) She ties you to the bed – and then leaves with your car keys.

And for the ladies:

1) Your date takes you to the hotel bar and asks you to pick out the “drunk, easy bitches.” (True story, by the way.)

2) He asks you to bathe him, “Since Mom had a bridge tournament and couldn’t make it.”

3) He also window shops on eHarmony – and he visits the same profiles.

4) When you unpack your clothes in the room he’s embarrassed by the fact you packed the same cocktail dress.

5) You arrive in one vehicle but leave in two: you take a taxi while he gets a ride from the local constabulary….

And that brings us to the next part of today’s post:


1) The Handcuff wedding: This engaged couple may have brought their own handcuffs but after saying “I do”, they began to bicker, then they began to argue, then they began to scream.

And then it ended. The fight and the marriage. He was led away in handcuffs by the Niagara Regional Police and she got a ride home from the best man, whom I guessing got an earful during the trip…

2) The Truly Odd Couple. What happens when both partners decide to forgo their medication for the weekend? You get calls from angry neighbors who keep hearing animal noises coming from a specific room…

3) Partners in Crime. A couple requests a new room. The Front Desk is happy to oblige. The couple is happy. Everyone is happy. With the exception of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police  detachment next door whose sting operation is blown to Hell. Seems the couple in question were “persons of interest” in an ongoing investigation which was almost derailed but quickly salvaged, resulting in both partners leaving the hotel in handcuffs.

4) The ménage à trois that became a couple. Three horny people check in for a weekend of fun and naked frivolity. Three people engage in said naked frivolity. In the pool after hours. In the gym  after hours. In one of the maintenance shops – during working hours. However, somewhere between the grunts and groans, the two females actually begin speaking to each other and soon reach an inevitable conclusion: they can replace the male in the equation. They have the technology….

Our final vacation date from Hell comes from my personal vault; years ago I worked at a enormous hotel/motel complex on Clifton Hill (the main strip in Niagara Falls) and while the venue was vastly different from my current base of operations, the clientele was just as interesting…

5) The Not-so-Super couple. For some couples, hot sex isn’t enough. Heck, even Fifty Shades sex isn’t enough. For some people, a hot encounter requires that little extra something; like donning Spider-Man and Spider-Woman costumes and getting freaky on the balcony. Unfortunately for this couple, their balcony was close enough to the Niagara Parkway for a masked super villain (a raccoon) to gain entry and scare them silly.

  • Spider-Woman screamed.
  • Spider-Man lost his rhythm and pushed when he should have pulled.
  • Both heroes fell to their shame from three stories.
  • The EMS personnel had to dig deep to stifle their laughter.
  • Both spider-people were wheeled away on gurneys, their masks still firmly in place to protect their secret identities and not-so-secret shame…

Ain’t love grand, folks?

And now, a new semi-regular feature from me to you. I use the term “semi-regular” so I can cover my tracks when I simply don’t have the time or ambition to pick five cool bloggers to highlight. Or for those weeks where I simply forget, as men often do.


  1. 25ToFly: Becca will make you smile – every single time. You can tell her I sent you.
  2. Maddie Cochere: The Susan Hunter Mysteries are Maddie’s brainchild. I wish my brain was so skilled…
  3. The Mercenary Researcher: I plan on devoting an entire post to this young lady when my life calms down – my family has been beset by one health crisis after another lately – but until then, check her work out. And no, I don’t love her simply because she bought The Bellman Chronicles. But that certainly hasn’t hurt her standing in my books…
  4. Stuphblog: He’s a thrall of the Empire. If I excluded him, he’d have me Force-choked…
  5. Qui Entertainment Magazine: MIZUI is one of my most loyal followers. And she’s funny and clever. What else can I say?

And yes, I literally have hundreds of you left to spotlight. I’m only one bellman/blogger, folks. I’ll get here. Promise!


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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84 Responses to Top Ten Signs Your Vacation Date is Dead on Arrival.

  1. Tracy says:

    Hilarious! I had no idea how many dates end in handcuffs.

  2. wherethedaytakesme says:

    Now that was a day maker lol.

  3. mairedubhtx says:

    You can’t possibly make this stuff up! Truth truly is stranger than fiction! You are very entertaining, my young friend!

  4. Can I just say that if you managed to get a look under the Spider-Woman mask, and she looked anything like me, it’s purely coincidental and you can’t prove otherwise.

  5. Hilarious! All the freaky stuff happens on the Hill! 😉

  6. Ray's Mom says:

    I seem to remember that once upon a time there was an expose’ by one major TV network of maintenance people making well placed holes in the walls of hotel rooms. I always thought someone must lead a very dull life or be a pervert to do that – now I understand…..

  7. That was a HILARIOUS post – you get to see so many excellent freaky things… JEALOUS!!!

    Aw – that was the nicest shout out ~ I’m touched!!!

  8. rossmurray1 says:

    I bet his spidey senses were tingling after that.

  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    Ah, as a bellman, the stories you could tell! Oh, wait, you just did…

    Very funny. I promise you, my husband and I were none of those couples.

    Thanks for stopping by my site. 🙂

  10. That was hilarious. I really needed the laugh today!

    • The Hook says:

      I was just returning the favor after I visited your cyber-haven today!
      Hang in there, young woman. You’ll be free of the drama soon, I’m sure…

  11. Diane C says:

    Oh my. I always thought Niagara was a bit strange – I like it but it is strange. You have just confirmed what I have always thought! 😉

  12. twindaddy says:

    Ha! The Spiderman couple is the best! Do you think their danger senses tingled right before they fell? Wow.

    And thanks for the shout out, Hook! You da man!

  13. raisingdaisy says:

    Just when you think you’ve seen it all!

  14. Oh Hook, You are always at the right place at the right time… or the right place wrong time? 😉 I always enjoy laughing with you, it is never a dull moment and I enjoy that. Thanks for the giggles again.

  15. becca3416 says:

    Thanks for sending people my way Hook. You just keep giving, don’t you? StuphBlog is slowly taking over the internet, I am sure of it.

    Poor spider couple.

  16. mizqui says:

    Loved the piece and THANK YOU so much for sending “Cool Peeps” my way. I would call them “HOOKers” – since they originated from the HOOKs site, but somehow it doesn’t sound right. LOL! Much love and I remain HOOKed!

  17. robincoyle says:

    I am leaving for a mini-vacay with my husband tomorrow. Thanks for the reminder to pack handcuffs and my Spider-Woman costume.

  18. JackieP says:

    Hey! It was not me in that spider custom! honest…….they never make customs my size. It’s either too childish or just weird. Sigh. These made me laugh. People are fascinating creatures are they not?

    • The Hook says:

      They certainly are, Jackie!
      By the way, you’re not allowed to be too hard on yourself on my blog. There are strict penalties for anyone that bashes their physical or spiritual form here on You’ve Been Hooked!

      • JackieP says:

        ooOOOOh! sorry about that. It’s just I’m so darn short is all I meant. The customs are either too silly young or they don’t fit. Honest that’s all I meant Mr Hook! I will refrain from now on. 😦

      • The Hook says:

        Be sure you do! This is a place where we laugh at other people, Jackie, not ourselves!

      • JackieP says:

        Got it. With your stories there are plenty of laugh about. I could tell you some funny stuff when I used to clean carpets for a living. I once owned a carpet cleaning business and would have to go out on jobs myself sometimes. Oh wow, people are indeed, um, interesting. The keep such fascinating things under their beds 😉

      • The Hook says:

        I imagine they do…

  19. SocietyRed says:

    Hilarious! How have I missed you for so long!
    You’re stuck with me now…

  20. susielindau says:

    What an action packed story! Handcuffs, e-Harmony, first dates….. Every day is an adventure with a crazy cast of characters!

  21. Confessions of Your Husband's Mistress says:

    “3) He also window shops on eHarmony – and he visits the same profiles” That is a chapter out of my own handbook there! This is one of your best post. You’re hysterical.

  22. Oh your tales are always hilarious. I can not get enough. What ARE these people thinking?

  23. Michael says:

    Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can…

  24. Very funny, love this post

  25. Hook, you never disappoint! These stories are great. That spidey couple – wow! … I absolutely love traveling and staying in hotels. I *love* hotels – especially nice ones. I’ve never had an adventure that a bellman would want to tell though. I’m seeing that is a good thing. 😉 … Thank you so much for the shoutout. I truly appreciate it! ♥

  26. TBM says:

    ah the trials and tribulations of being a super couple. that’s a side of heroes you hardly ever see.

  27. Loved it – the same dress thing happened to me a few years ago……

  28. When In The City!! says:

    Number 3 and 5 were my favorites! LoL…You do have quite the job!

  29. Jo Bryant says:

    Superhero love…what I would have given to have seen that

  30. ristinw says:

    I thought scene like this only happen on movie! The spiderman couple rocksss!

  31. Wow – the spidey couple: priceless!

  32. MissFourEyes says:

    I can’t stop laughing at the last one! Poor EMS personnel, I don’t know how they held it together

  33. That last one kills me. Everybody knows Spider-Man and Spider-woman would never hook up. What were they thinking?!

  34. Pingback: Hookers, Hookers, Hookers! « Miss Four Eyes

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