Over the course of my fifteen years as a bellman, I’ve seen hundreds of couples that are traveling together for the first time. Some of these trips go well. Some do not.
The first five are “guy-centric”:
1) Your date suggests you try erotic asphyxiation and then tries to actually strangle you.
2) After you arrive, the young lady tells you that she would like to spend some time with her other boyfriend, to whom she affectionately refers to as “Big Double D”.
3) At check-in time she whispers to the clerk, “Could you give us separate rooms? In separate wings of the hotel?”
4) Your date spends the entire road trip to the hotel window shopping on eHarmony.
5) She ties you to the bed – and then leaves with your car keys.
And for the ladies:
1) Your date takes you to the hotel bar and asks you to pick out the “drunk, easy bitches.” (True story, by the way.)
2) He asks you to bathe him, “Since Mom had a bridge tournament and couldn’t make it.”
3) He also window shops on eHarmony – and he visits the same profiles.
4) When you unpack your clothes in the room he’s embarrassed by the fact you packed the same cocktail dress.
5) You arrive in one vehicle but leave in two: you take a taxi while he gets a ride from the local constabulary….
And that brings us to the next part of today’s post:
THE TOP FIVE WORST VACATION DATES THE HOOK HAS EVER SEEN – EVER!
1) The Handcuff wedding: This engaged couple may have brought their own handcuffs but after saying “I do”, they began to bicker, then they began to argue, then they began to scream.
And then it ended. The fight and the marriage. He was led away in handcuffs by the Niagara Regional Police and she got a ride home from the best man, whom I guessing got an earful during the trip…
2) The Truly Odd Couple. What happens when both partners decide to forgo their medication for the weekend? You get calls from angry neighbors who keep hearing animal noises coming from a specific room…
3) Partners in Crime. A couple requests a new room. The Front Desk is happy to oblige. The couple is happy. Everyone is happy. With the exception of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police detachment next door whose sting operation is blown to Hell. Seems the couple in question were “persons of interest” in an ongoing investigation which was almost derailed but quickly salvaged, resulting in both partners leaving the hotel in handcuffs.
4) The ménage à trois that became a couple. Three horny people check in for a weekend of fun and naked frivolity. Three people engage in said naked frivolity. In the pool after hours. In the gym after hours. In one of the maintenance shops – during working hours. However, somewhere between the grunts and groans, the two females actually begin speaking to each other and soon reach an inevitable conclusion: they can replace the male in the equation. They have the technology….
Our final vacation date from Hell comes from my personal vault; years ago I worked at a enormous hotel/motel complex on Clifton Hill (the main strip in Niagara Falls) and while the venue was vastly different from my current base of operations, the clientele was just as interesting…
5) The Not-so-Super couple. For some couples, hot sex isn’t enough. Heck, even Fifty Shades sex isn’t enough. For some people, a hot encounter requires that little extra something; like donning Spider-Man and Spider-Woman costumes and getting freaky on the balcony. Unfortunately for this couple, their balcony was close enough to the Niagara Parkway for a masked super villain (a raccoon) to gain entry and scare them silly.
- Spider-Woman screamed.
- Spider-Man lost his rhythm and pushed when he should have pulled.
- Both heroes fell to their shame from three stories.
- The EMS personnel had to dig deep to stifle their laughter.
- Both spider-people were wheeled away on gurneys, their masks still firmly in place to protect their secret identities and not-so-secret shame…
Ain’t love grand, folks?
And now, a new semi-regular feature from me to you. I use the term “semi-regular” so I can cover my tracks when I simply don’t have the time or ambition to pick five cool bloggers to highlight. Or for those weeks where I simply forget, as men often do.
WHERE TO GO ON THE WEB: 5 PICKS FROM THE HOOK.
- 25ToFly: Becca will make you smile – every single time. You can tell her I sent you.
- Maddie Cochere: The Susan Hunter Mysteries are Maddie’s brainchild. I wish my brain was so skilled…
- The Mercenary Researcher: I plan on devoting an entire post to this young lady when my life calms down – my family has been beset by one health crisis after another lately – but until then, check her work out. And no, I don’t love her simply because she bought The Bellman Chronicles. But that certainly hasn’t hurt her standing in my books…
- Stuphblog: He’s a thrall of the Empire. If I excluded him, he’d have me Force-choked…
- Qui Entertainment Magazine: MIZUI is one of my most loyal followers. And she’s funny and clever. What else can I say?
And yes, I literally have hundreds of you left to spotlight. I’m only one bellman/blogger, folks. I’ll get here. Promise!