I realize many of you are hanging, so I’ll keep this tight and to the point. Or not.
Here are some things that scare the bejezzus out of me that I know I’ll be dealing with this year…
1) Crazy cougars hopped-up on red wine and Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes, the novel now qualifies as a narcotic, so great is the effect it has had on some of my female guests of a certain age.
2) Maniacal rugrats hopped-up on Red Bull and whatever sugar substitute is all the rage this year. I love kids, but rugrats are another story all-together…
3) People that use wheelchairs and strollers as substitutes for luggage carts. This one will always make the list, so get used to it. They make old people stumble and babies crawl. They truly scare me.
4) Another birthday. My hair is disappearing faster than LiLo’s chances of a career resurrection. The aging process sucks.
5) Running out fresh blog ideas and being forced to cobble together a lame-ass list on New Year’s Day. This one speaks for itself, I believe…
6) Daywalker hookers. I just can’t get used to seeing hookers stumbling through the lobby in the daylight hours, but its a new world, so I’d better get used to it.
7) My daughter’s first date. First off, please don’t tell her I wrote this, okay? She’s fourteen now; its going to happen sooner or later – and it sucks.
8) Tax time. I hate seeing just how little money I’ve actually made each year.
9) Drunken gambling addicts who have lost their tacky shirts at the casino and expect me to feel sorry for them at check-out time. Its not just forty-something males, either; there are more than a few female regulars who are downright surly after losing the remainder of their nest egg at the tables and slots. Trust me, you don’t want to mess with a broke-ass, frustrated cougar….
10) Another wedding anniversary. Bear with me on this one: every year I feel as though I haven’t done right by my lovely wife. Sure, I’m a loving husband, but I have yet to provide her with the lifestyle she deserves. She never complains, ever, but I know she wouldn’t mind having a few dollars in the bank – not to mention a vampire or two stashed away in the attic!
11) The monotony of being ignored. I’ve never told anyone this, but every day I wake up and I check my e-mail, praying that I will finally see a message from the Steven and Chris show or Breakfast Television in Toronto that reads “We want you, Hook!” Every day I wind up reading a slew of junk e-mails from Saudi Arabian princes and pharmaceutical companies that specialize in erectile dysfunction. I realize these programs literally receive thousands of e-mails every day, but I’m beginning to feel like the guy who hears “It’s not you, it’s me!” from the girlfriend he worships. Let’s face it, it’s me.
12) The seemingly-endless Niagara winter. I love my job. I don’t mind down-time. But the next few months – give or take a few busy periods – will be quiet. We’re talking dead quiet, people. Just imagine the hotel in The Shining or the vast unpopulated landscape of a Kardashian’s mind and you’re halfway there…
13) The feeling that washes over me whenever someone asks “So, how is the book going, Robert?” There is a truly gifted writer out there who has the backing and resources of a major publisher behind him; he has appeared on television recommending people lie (“The in-room movie froze halfway through!”), cheat (“There must be some mistake, I didn’t take that $12 Hershey bar from the mini-bar!) and steal (There was only one robe in the room, I swear!) from hotels.
He has appeared on 20/20. I have appeared in several e-mails that contain the following line, “We wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors..”
To the world-at-large, he is a winner. To the world -at-large, I barely register. There are days that I feel physically ill over my perceived failures. Would I like to stop feeling this way? You bet your ass, but I’m riddled with anxiety and self-doubt.
However, this is the year I learn to live with my doubts and fears – you can’t beat your dark half, folks – and I may even write a second book, one that incorporates everything I’ve learned about writing and editing in the last few months. The good news is, my spirit can only rise from here.
CHECK THIS OUT, FOLKS!
Jessica Stilwell started out as the face of fed-up and put-upon mothers everywhere – you can read an abridged version of her story here – but she’s come a long way, baby! You get bonus points if you got that reference, by the way.
At any rate, check out her blog, Crazy Working Mom: Diary of a mother on the brink of snapping!
Jessica is discovering her “writing voice”, one that extends beyond the scope of her first adventure. Personally, I’m enjoying watching her metamorphosis. I think you will too.