What Every Bellman Needs For Christmas…

Yes, I have indeed used the word “Christmas”. There has been a great deal of controversy on this side of the border over its use, but as I’ve said before, my blog, my rules.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

A cool uniform that commands respect and strikes fear into the heart of evildoers. Hey, it works for Batman.

A tricked-out, motorized cart with extra storage space for alcohol – lots of  it.Especially around the holidays…

Limited telepathy. Because people simply can’t answer the question “How many bags would you like to store?” without freezing up. But we don’t need to scan a traveler’s mind any deeper, trust me, that would be bad.

An air horn. Guest’s tend to tune out, some do so before they ever arrive at the hotel, so this would prove especially helpful when I find myself standing outside a heavy wooden door, my knuckles red from five full minutes of knocking. You see, most people find themselves captivated by the sight of 150,000 American gallons per second of water rushing down to the rocks below and so they never hear me knocking. And the sight of all that water tends to inspire the need to use the bathroom…

An escape hatch. In every room, of course. Some guests simply don’t realize that while I’m more than happy to chat for a few minutes, I am not a disciple of Dr. Phil.

Cougar repellant. Millions of cougars visit Niagara Falls every year. Their standards are virtually non-existent. I’m married. You do the math.

A universal translator. This one speaks for itself, right?

Shape-shifting abilities. A good bellman must be a metaphorical chameleon, able to shape his persona to match that of his guest. But that requires a great deal of effort and I get tired easily. 

A simian sidekick. Monkeys are very high-profile  these days here in Canada so I’ve been inspired: a furry partner could keep rugrats under control (my other option was a low-voltage taser) and in the event I was stiffed, monkeys are well-known poop flingers…

And that’s my wish list for my fellow bellmen everywhere.


Sherrie Theriault is a supporter from waaay back and a rare and gifted artist. Pop over and check out her poetic offerings when you can, all right?



Benjamin Wallace is a new friend but a true one. Like Vina Kent and Jo Bryant before her – he’s come through with helpful tips and contacts where others have  brushed me off, in a friendly way, of course. Check his site out. He’s blazing a new trail for Dumb White Husbands everywhere…


A shout-out to my blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…


A fellow bellman and artiste/filmmaker extraordinaire, Joseph Mancini, has created a new digital presence to share with the world. Show him some of that awesome devotion you’ve bestowed upon yours truly and check his work out, okay? I appreciate it, folks. Until next time, stay cool…


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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54 Responses to What Every Bellman Needs For Christmas…

  1. Cameron says:

    Now THAT is a Christmas list. Giggle.

  2. trooperstale says:

    It is “Christmas.” A Christian holiday. If you don’t like it or agree with it…….go to work…..don’t take the holiday……..bloody hypocrites!!

  3. robincoyle says:

    Well now I know what to get you for Christmas. Thank you for making my life easier.

  4. You forgot steel toed Doc Martin boots with spike in front…for a little extra emphasis when you kick someone out of your way.

  5. I love the shout outs!

  6. Ink Pastries says:

    Darn, and I was going to hit on you. Meow.
    P.S. thanks for sending me over to Sherrie’s blog – good stuff!

  7. JackieP says:

    hahaha! This one made me laugh (as I don’t giggle) and everyone should have their own personal poop flingers. really. they should. 🙂

  8. leah says:

    A badass uniform + an escape hatch = major cool. I’d be big time jealous of you!

  9. Haha! Glad I know what to get you for christmas now!

  10. Simona says:

    ★˛˚˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.*★˚˛*˛°.˛*.˛°˛.*★HAPPY*★* 。*˛.
    ˛°_██_*.。*./ ♥ \ .˛* .˛。.˛.*.★* DAY*★ 。*
    ˛. (´• ̮•)*.。*/♫.♫\*˛.* ˛_Π_____.♥ by Simona ♥ ˛* ˛*
    .°( . • . ) ˛°./• ‘♫ ‘ •\.˛*./______/~\*. ˛*.。˛* ˛.*。
    *(…’•’.. ) *˛╬╬╬╬╬˛°.|田田 |門|╬╬╬╬╬*˚ .˛

  11. Cougar repellant – what does it smell of?

  12. MissFourEyes says:

    Yeah, you’re right. In the battle between a taser and a poop flinger, the poop flinger will ALWAYS win! Why limit them to keeping the rugrats under control? We could think of so many other things for the monkey to do. *rubbing hands together like a supervillian* Oh the possibilities!

  13. Fiona says:

    Happy Christmas, Hook, with bells on 😉

  14. ConnieMaria says:

    Bwa ha ha! Love this: “A tricked-out, motorized cart with extra storage space for alcohol – lots of it.Especially around the holidays…”

  15. I worked in the customer service biz for years (restaurants). I think you should add a magic tipping elf. If the customer doesn’t give a decent tip, the elf (or monkey) can just dig into the pocket or purse, whip out that wallet, add some cash and then give the non tipping customer a slap across the head.

  16. raisingdaisy says:

    Haha I’d like a few of those myself! 😉

  17. Air horns! Everyone needs one of those!

  18. jlheuer says:

    Cougar bait huh? Maybe you should post a picture so we can judge.

  19. A few days ago, I smiled in anticipation of the tales of your, um, capers at work over the holidays. I even grinned as I thought of a few, um, categories of people you were likely to encounter. I didn’t think of this one.

    >Millions of cougars visit Niagara Falls every year.
    – Bring on the stories, Hook!


  20. unfetteredbs says:

    Shape shifter– now that would be awesome for everyone that works with the public.. fantastic idea. Although I too would settle for an air-horn. I am giggling of just thinking of the possibilities. Merry Christmas to you

  21. Love the monkey reference. Out here in Alberta, I’d almost forgotten about that story…

    Love the Christmas list too. Have a merry one, R!

  22. Sandi Ormsby says:

    I’m sorry, all I have is a teleportal ability to bestow upon you. would that help in your time of need? And yes HO HO HO and Merry Christmas to you! I haven’t blogged for several months. It seems you have written a book, and been busy advertising it and some friends’ writings. Good for you guys!


  23. Blown says:

    I loved the cougars repellent… of course the others make a lot of sense.
    Do I envy you…? 🙂 Maybe a bit for the cougars… some must be worth some of a man’s time… OK, forget I said that. We’re indeed married people 🙂

  24. Excellent post! Happy 2013 🙂

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