The Hook is Going To Crash…

But hopefully I won’t burn…

It’s Monday, I’m tired, the hotel is dead, and my “other career” is still stick in neutral and I have no idea what the heck I’m going to write about…

So here’s the lowdown on a little deal that’s going to be going down around town this week. And yes, I said “going down”; stop giggling…

Red Bull Crashed Ice is a testament to Man’s willingness to risk life and limb for athletic glory, bragging rights and of course, loose women who love guys who manage to speed-skate down an ice track without winding up in traction – or a pine box. This event has made its way across this great nation I call home and it will be crashing its way into my hometown starting November 29.

The hotel will be heavily involved in this winter free-for-all but the excitement has spread beyond the corridors of Upper Management. The track is visible from most of our rooms and it ‘s inspired some interesting reactions from guests: 

  • “I’d like to see you race your cart down there, Mr. Bellman!”  And in case you’re wondering, that was a 65-year-old man, not a 12-year-old boy…
  • Lordy, Lordy, lookit that there track! Is that for a NASCAR Winter race? I love rednecks.
  • Can I send my husband down that? Marriage is a sacred institution, but it’s not for everyone.

We’ll see how things play out this weekend, but I anticipate a lot of screaming, drinking and many, many failed attempts at copulation. Of course, I’ve just described a typical weekend in the Falls – but this will no doubt be amplified by the consumption of thousands of cans of liquid chaos in a can…


Moving on, here is an example of blogging love in action: a kick-ass holiday event hosted by Emily from The Waiting Blog and Ashley from Ashey Etc! Zip over to Emily’s cyber-hood and check it out, okay?

And finally, here’s a good example of just why The Hook has never actively pursued a career in diplomacy..

Upon entering a room to facilitate the smooth departure of a family during the Sunday morning chaos, I was greeted by a dad with an interesting sense of humor.

CRAZY DAD: Is that Kenny G?

Kenny G?

SUFFERING WIFE/MOM: No, dear! Stop calling white boys that, okay?

But he didn’t. He continued to refer to me as “Michael Bolton” or “Michael Bublé” while he attempted to load my cart himself. Finally, after his fifth attempt failed and their bags cam tumblin’ down, I took control of the situation.

THE HOOK: I’m going to load this, if you don’t mind, sir. I have a better idea of how to make things fit on the cart.

SUFFERING WIFE/MOM: Yes, this boy knows what he’s doing, dear!

CRAZY DAD: Since when do white boys know what they’re doin’? But you know what? Go ahead, white boy! Have fun, we went crazy on Black Friday!

That last straw people always refer to? That was mine.

THE HOOK: Thanks, sir. By the way, isn’t every Friday “Black Friday” for you?

The wife grinned from ear-to-ebony ear, the kids roared and dad just stood there, too stunned to search his memory for the name of a white crooner to call me.

We met up downstairs (minus dad, who was conspicuous by his absence) and I accompanied mom and the kids to the obligatory min-van, where mom doled out such useful advice as “Don’t stand there, it smells like pee!” and “Stop hitting your sister with your Game Boy! You know she’ll get you back when you’re sleeping!”

Finally, dad returned and the moment of truth arrived: if I had truly offended this African-America clan – as if you hadn’t guessed their background by now – they would let me know by stiffing me; there’s no great offense to hurl at a bellman, after all.

SUFFERING WIFE/MOM: Here you go, sir. I’d would have liked to give you more, but he doesn’t give me much to work with!

He loved that, by the way.

And so I walked away with ten bucks, a blog post and a smile on my Caucasian face. A victory no matter how you slice it.



Benjamin Wallace is a new friend but a true one. Like Vina Kent, – and Jo Bryant before her – he’s come through with helpful tips and contacts where others have  brushed me off, in a friendly way, of course. Check his site out. He’s blazing a new trail for dumb, white husbands everywhere…


A shout-out to my blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…


A fellow bellman and artiste/filmmaker extraordinaire, Joseph Mancini, has created a new digital presence to share with the world. Show him some of that awesome devotion you’ve bestowed upon yours truly and check his work out, okay? I appreciate it, folks. Until next time. stay cool…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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85 Responses to The Hook is Going To Crash…

  1. rebecca2000 says:

    People are idiots!

  2. A last straw man on thin ice? Great story.

  3. JackieP says:

    haha! Loved the story and great come back! 🙂

  4. becca3416 says:

    Always charming the ladies of any color! Glad you threw out a plug for the Secret Santa shin dig that Emily and Ashley are throwing. Aren’t they just too clever/fun?

  5. Every time you say those wonderful zingers, I just hug you on the internet!! =D

  6. jumpingpolarbear says:

    At least the wife sounds cool :).

  7. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    “Stop hitting your sister with your Game Boy! You know she’ll get you back when you’re sleeping!”
    This made me snort (in a ladylike fashion, of course). This is exactly the kind of practical guidance my mom loved to give! “Oh, morals alone aren’t enough reason? How about the fact he’s going to make you pay later?” It didn’t sink in the first couple of times, but I got smarter. 😉

    • The Hook says:

      I’m glad I finally write something that inspired you to comment, Deborah! Your work always leaves me breathless.
      I respect your opinion and I’m glad you had the time to drop by. Thanks.

  8. Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples says:

    Lol! We had a good laugh at this one Rob, or is it Kenny? lol!
    Well…what did he expect, did he really expect to refer to your colour constantly (not that your colour has anything to do with your ability to carry out your job) and expect you ‘not’ to respond? Lol!
    As for those extreme sports guys…all I can say is Craaaaaazzzzyyyyyy,
    Great post Robert. 😉

    • The Hook says:

      Yeah, the Red Bull racers are cool but nuts!
      As for my newest friend, I don’t think he ever got it, but he made my day!

      • Phil Gayle_For Singles and Couples says:

        Lol! Well we got it and you gave us a good laugh. 😀
        Besides, whether an African American or European American says it, calling a grown man a ‘boy’ is really insulting.

  9. raisingdaisy says:

    Wow that’s some amazing track! Makes my hair stand on end just looking at that last photo!
    As for that dad….no comment…. You gave it a funny twist, but I can’t help but think what he’s planting in his kids’ heads.

  10. That track is CRAZY!! And so are the people who brave it!

  11. robincoyle says:

    I have one of those slides in my backyard.

    As to your rude guests, did you consider flinging them down the slide head first? And tossed their luggage after them?

  12. Oh yeah! I can see me on that there track..!
    Thank goodness though, I happen to be so far away my enthusiasm will not reach that far… 😉
    (I’d love to watch [a little], at least until the ‘fear’ factor calmed…)
    I don’t have that ‘adventure’ gene, my dear Hook… Two feet on solid ground has always been a good ‘stand by’ for me…!
    C’est la vie, each to his own….!

  13. Great come back. Love the story

  14. Brother Jon says:

    When my kid brother was a young-in he would call out “Hey, there’s Michael Jackson!” every single time he saw a black guy. Maybe you can try that out next time….unless of course you want a tip.

  15. Blown says:

    If you go down that trash thing, post a picture 🙂 I’ll be sad for your state, but smiling anyway 😉
    Or better, throw a few damned client down there ;-)))

  16. leah says:

    That looks like so much fun! It almost makes me say Hockey? Pfttt (but not quite).

    Isn’t every Friday Black Friday for you? makes me wanna say: Oh no you didn’t (but I’m so glad you did)!

    • leah says:

      Umm and I missed a key observation in the form of a lack of ice or snow. Are people making some? Otherwise it will just he ouch going down…yah I said it too. 😉

  17. Oh I thank people when they gift me such awesome blog posts and i meet atleast one must be meeting hordes of blogposts everyday lol…..the crazy people you get to meet ..

  18. Red Bull Crashed Ice looks awesome! My husband would love to see that. … It took me a short while to realize you were in Niagara Falls. I LOVE Niagara Falls. I love everything about it – even the kitschy things, and although the American side has its fun, I always stay in Canada when I’m there. I wrote a blog post about Niagara Falls and called it “Slowly I Turn.” 🙂 … You have the best stories, and you always know how to turn any situation to your advantage. You, sir, are a master bellman. I’m done with my blasted writing for now, so I’ll be keeping up with you going forward!

  19. MissFourEyes says:

    I like the wife, I think she liked you too. But I will always love you the most.

  20. >THE HOOK: Thanks, sir. By the way, isn’t every Friday “Black Friday” for you?
    – HA HA HA!

    No, I’m not laughing at you, Hook. I’m laughing at MYSELF.

    It only took me 12 hours* to figure this one out!

    *When I read it last night, I pondered a good bit, didn’t get it, and slept over it.Only a few minutes ago this morning, while mulling over your words again ….. HA HA HA! I am priceless! So are you, Hook! 🙂

    When I’ve finished guffawing at myself (yet again), I know I’ll revert to being horrified at the things you have to put up with.

    How, just, HOW are some people the way they are? Sigh.

    – I’ll get a-chompin’ when I pick my jaw off the floor.


  21. Is it possible for people to copulate while they are on that slide? I wouldn’t put past people to try. Society has lots of horny brain-dead idiots.

    I love a good racism story. Especially ones with happy endings like yours. Not only that, look at how many people are professing their undying love for you because of it! And you started off with not knowing what to write about! 😉

  22. mairedubhtx says:

    That thing looks dangerous!

  23. Ericka Clay says:

    I fancy myself a Michael McDonald, but Kenny G ain’t half bad. And nice retort. I’ve never been one to not say things that pop up in my head. Ass monkey. See.

  24. TBM says:

    Not sure where to begin on this one. Shall I start calling you Hooky G?

  25. Lafemmeroar says:

    I’m sure the winter-free-for-all will include lots of “hot toddies” with lots of girls gone wild! ttyl BING! 🙂

  26. Kenny G and Michael Bolton– That is the best he could do? That is hilarious. The slide deal looks fun, but not if it isn’t a water slide and I get to sit down. If people are standing up on that thing they are crazy.

  27. Bob Lee says:

    Oh myyy … how in the hell do you put up with these ummm ass monkeys – yeah that was a good one there .You’ve gotta be quick with deez peepuhls ya kno – At least you know the momma’s the boss in that clan.. All the stuff I was thinking I was reading in all the damn commments – You’re a gem Bob

  28. Pingback: You’ve Been Sainted: Foreigners (With A Little Help From My Friends) « Brother Jon

  29. Le Clown says:

    The Hook,
    Remind my why I haven’t been reading you more?
    Le Clown

  30. That was one crazy slope. Can I throw in there all the people who made my life miserable? I bet it’ll teach them a lesson. Great writing that kept me all glued and wanting for more. Have a great weekend.

  31. Michelle says:

    Racing each other down a steep hill with sharp turns on ice… and wearing blades. Are they insane? I’ve done some pretty extreme stuff myself, but nothing had even a remote possibility of being decapitated.

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