A Sunday For The Record Books…

For many, Sunday is a holy day, reserved for rest and reflection; a day to gaze upon God’s wondrous creations and know that they are good.

For me, Sunday is the day they blow the gates of Hell wide open and the infinite legions spill forth, their insatiable appetite for conflict driving them straight to my desk.

Yes, I do tend to over-exaggerate, but trust me, my most recent Sunday was a disaster of Biblical proportions – sort of. This particular day was an exercise in contrasts. It began with a rare instance of weakness on my part; I overslept and so I arrived a mere two minutes early for my shift as opposed to my usual thirty. This simple change in schedule, coupled with an adjustment in the bell department’s schedule, signaled the beginning of a very strange day…

• We normally have a 6 a.m. shift, but not on this day. And so the midnight bellman was left to to deal with three buses on his own. Did I mention the groups were Japanese? For the uninitiated: Japanese tour guides are as nervous as a virgin at a prison rodeo. And so when three Japanese tour guides arrive at the Bell Desk to ensure their groups will be given the full attention of the department – never mind if there is an hour window between buses – you better be sure your answer isn’t “we only have one bellman on duty right now.”

And so by the time I walked into the lobby, with another bellman in tow, all heck was breaking loose. Still, the three of us dealt with the groups in record time. However, while we were gone the desk was unattended and the phone began ringing.. and ringing.. and ringing…

• We normally have a desk coordinator, but not on this day. At least not before 8 a.m., and of course guests began calling down and visiting our desk while we were busy medicating our tour guides. Eventually an irate guest walked into the back room, helped himself to a cart and began to walk away and when he was confronted by a  supervisor, his response was honest and direct: “Go fuck yourself!” The supervisor relented, but when “Mr. Congeniality” returned with his luggage he had to endure a fifteen-minute wait for his car (He probably shouldn’t have ticked off the valet supervisor) during which he continued to curse and spew venom at anyone who crossed his path. The best part of this tale? He was wearing a “Jesus Saves” t-shirt…

Moving on, after the Japanese and the crazy Catholic gentleman left the stage, the next act to perform consisted of a 24-year-old hooker and her 52-year-old “date”.

• He was a Lodge brother from Muskoka with a receding hairline and a slight gut. Oh, and he was sporting a grin that would have made the Cheshire Cat jealous!
• She was a high-maintenance (and then some!) petite blonde from Toronto who was giving an Academy Award worthy performance that would have made Meryl Streep jealous!

I was standing with a middle-aged couple who were certainly not oblivious to the reality of this particular coupling.

THE WIFE: How could she do that to herself?

THE HOOK: Technically, he was the one doing it to her.

THE HUSBAND: He’s right, dear. And from the size of that grin he’s wearing, she gave him his money’s worth!

THE WIFE: (Addressing The Hook) Do you see this sort of thing often? (I nodded enthusiastically) What do you think? I know it’s her body, but do you think she should be proud of herself?

THE HUSBAND: He’s proud, I can tell you that much…

His wife’s glare nearly ended him then and there. He was very quiet after that.

THE HOOK: I won’t pretend to know her motivations, but we live in a society predicated on the pursuit of the all-mighty dollar. Too many girls like her would rather take the low road and sell their bodies for a few thousand dollars than clean rooms in a hotel, for instance.

THE WIFE: A few thousand? You really think she got that much?

The hubby saw the gleam that began to take shape in his spouse’s eyes and he began to look a little worried…

THE HOOK: Judging from her overall look, she’s not cheap (although truthfully, her look did scream “hooker”; the only thing missing were the words, “THIS SPACE FOR RENT” scrawled across her buttocks), although I’m willing to bet she needs booze or something stronger to wash her memories away and about a gallon of bleach to scrub her nether regions clean..

They took a moment to ponder my remarks (I hate the tense seconds that follow my “blue humor”!) but in the end, they burst out laughing. Having left them with a fond, off-color tale to regale their friends and family with, I took up the challenge of the day, namely, surviving and making a few dollars along the way.

I am happy to report that I succeeded on both counts: not only was I able to avoid having to throttle anyone, I had one of my most financially rewarding Sundays ever. Although, if anyone from Revenue Canada is reading this, I really didn’t make that much at all…

One final note: I’ll be sharing more tales from this day soon – there was simply too much to fit into one column!

ONCE UPON A TIME… A NEW FAN PAGE WAS BORN!

It must run in the family. The Hook’s daughter has developed a taste for sci-fi/fantasy and so she has launched her own Facebook fan page for the ABC drama Once Upon A Time.

Fans of Once Upon A Time is a labor of love – and it shows. Check it out: fans of Tom Welling – and I know there are quite a few of you out there – will be pleased to see he’ll be making an appearance this season.

The bottom line is this: my daughter wants to rack up as many “likes” as she can, so help her out, okay?

TIME FOR OTHER BUSINESS..

A shout-out to my newest blog buddy, Kristen Lamb and her best-selling tome, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media. Give it a try, folks. You won’t be disappointed…

CHECK IT OUT!!

My first foray into blogging minimalism, 1,001 Reasons Why Steve Sucks… is up and running. Give it a look-see, will you?

And finally..

Here is a review of The Bellman Chronicles that reminded me just why I wrote my first book in the first place…

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