The Girls of Summer…

A guest recently asked me, “Which guests are cheaper, men or women?”

There is no easy answer; gender is not indicative of kindness or consideration towards others. While women are certainly the more gentle of the species, the younger specimens I have encountered this year tend to be more primitive than ever.

Truthfully, there are A LOT of crazy witches out there.

On Saturday nights the hotel becomes “Bachelorette Central”  and you see a steady stream of merchandise pass through the front doors that once would have been considered forbidden. I say “forbidden” because no self-respecting young lady – or man for that matter – would have considered displaying it in public.

But kids just don’t care any more. Yes, I’ve become your grandfather, so what? It’s true. Just look at this list; I have to handle these items every Saturday…

  • Erotic cakes – with unrealistic proportions!
  • Blow-up dolls – equally unrealistic!
  • Sex toys – with, well you get the point by now…
  • Tons of cheap booze. Nothing says “classy get-together with the girls” like wine in a box.
  • Handcuffs, of the furry variety of course.
  • Pink party paraphernalia. (Alliteration rules!)

I think I’ve made my point, don’t you? I’m happy to serve as needed.. Okay, maybe I’m not always “happy” – to say the least –  but I do the job as needed. However, any red-blooded North American male would get a little dejected after years of hauling plastic love dolls and phallic-shaped  baked goods up and down hotel corridors. Of course, the one thing that makes it all worthwhile is the gratuity.

Assuming you receive a gratuity that is. That brings me to today’s tale…

FRANK THE DOORMAN: Hook, I’ve got a bunch of girls here that need a bellman. Oh yeah, they said they have a little  cooler in the back seat.

Such a simple declaration, yes? But of course, chaos unfolded once I answered his call.  Their “little cooler” was an extra large camping cooler that, as I painfully discovered, weighed more than my daughter, her two dogs and my wife combined!

Pain shot through my 42-year-old frame as I lifted the cooler from Hell out of the back seat of their Honda and onto my bell cart. Incidentally, I swear I saw the cart buckle once the cooler left my aching hands. I’m too young to be complaining of an aching back!

CLUELESS FEMALE: Oh yeah, the cooler is a little heavy, isn’t it?

My professional side (yes, I have one!) took hold and I kept The Hook under control… I learned long ago that Upper Management frowns upon assaults directed at our guests, even the stupid ones. Robert the bellman recorded the room number, dragged his overloaded cart down far too many corridors and delivered the cooler from Hell to its clueless party girl owners.

CLUELESS FEMALE: You can put it in the other room.

Yeah, right. Another ironic statement. I would have busted my “O ring” hauling that cooler to the other side of a suite! A QUICK TRAVEL TIP FROM THE HOOK: When traveling, remember to fill the cooler with ice AFTER you arrive! If the establishment in question does not have an ice machine, you’ll need to put down the bottle and use more care when picking a place to sleep…

THE HOOK: Here’s good.

The cooler dropped like a Kardashian in a library (think about it!), and once I twisted my back into an upright position I awaited my financial payoff.

Yeah, right.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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37 Responses to The Girls of Summer…

  1. Jo Bryant says:

    Pity it didn’t land on her feet when it dropped Hook

  2. Marian Green says:

    You’re a patient man Sir Hook.

  3. susielindau says:

    You put up with so much Hook, but maybe it’s a great way to stay in shape!

  4. legionwriter says:


  5. TBM says:

    Did you peek in the cooler? I watch a lot of crime shows so I would have to see if there was a body in it.

  6. Woman says:

    L’grande sigho…. I only wish I had friends like this to celebrate every special occasion!!!

    I a looking forward to moving and what I am going to do with my toys through the move!!!

  7. mairedubhtx says:

    After that, they stiffed you?! How rude!

  8. raisingdaisy says:

    NO TIP?!?! “Clueless” is a kind term for these jerks. And they actually were stupid enough to bring their own ice instead of getting ice there?! OMG, this is one for the sequel to the Bellman Chronicles! (I wonder if they’ll check out with a cooler full of water because the ice melted….. 😉 )

    PS~ I’ve read that men typically tip restaurant servers more than women do – I guess that stereotype doesn’t translate into the hotel industry. ::sigh::

  9. littlesundog says:

    I still maintain there should be a required “etiquette” class taught at the high school level – maybe even at the middle school level. I know common sense can’t be taught, but surely a class in school would help in some way! I don’t know how you do it… I don’t think I could be so nice to these idiots.

  10. The Guat says:

    Ha! Erotic cakes and blow up dolls. I was cracking up trying to imagine you carrying all those things. There was probably a bunch of sex toys, handcuffs and cheap booze in that cooler too. Sorry about the no tip clueless comes in all ages.

  11. becca3416 says:

    Haha! I love Alliteration.I can’t wait until I see a Bellman in the wild because I am sure I will think of one of your funny stories!

  12. leah says:

    Many people suck..notice i didn’t say all. Boo.

  13. Is that why you’re so buff, man…. Lugging those coolers around must be good for your glutes..!
    I can hear you say: “Yeah, right.”

  14. J.D. Gallagher says:

    dropped like a Kardashian in a library

    Beautiful work.

  15. Sam Waterburry says:

    The boys of Sumer

  16. Maybe they needed to keep that dead body cool? You wouldn’t want them to show up with a heavy, STINKY cooler, would you?

  17. MysteryCoach says:

    Literally cannot stand people like that.

  18. Jeanne Heuer says:

    Um? What kind of hotel do you work in again? Do you have any stars?

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