Travel Tips, Technical Malfunctions and Other Business…

TRAVEL TIP: EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!

You can plan every detail with military-like precision, but ultimately, your trip is going to unfold as fate intends it to. So when you find yourself experiencing shock and awe, just take a deep breath and remember, “I’m here to relax, I can get though this. I have left my baggage at home.”

If you can master this simple – yet incredibly difficult – technique, you’ll not only have unlocked the secret to enjoying a perfect vacation, you’ll have unlocked the secret to a living a perfect life!

That having been said, this tip is “easier said than done”, right? But for now, back to business…

As I write this, there is a traffic snarl in the lobby beside me that is slowly encroaching on my humble domain; I can already feel the tension building as the horde of travelers draws closer…

Technology, in all its wonder is not impervious to the machinations of fate. This is a sad fact of life that affects us all at some point or another. As of this moment,  hundreds of tired, sweaty, hungry tourists are standing in an ever-growing check-in line, only to be told they must wait at least an hour.

Yes, the Front Desk computers are down… Let the fun begin!

• The chaos starts slowly, with only a handful of guests and employees aware of the technical failure. Ignorance truly is bliss. Trust me.
• Most people are understanding when told of the delay, but eventually that one person begins to grumble and soon another and so on. Before long,the match is lit by that one guest who needs very little prodding.. AND THEN, WATCH OUT!
• Sure enough, people start to lose it and the expletives are whispered and then spoken in clear, loud voices….
• Most people followed protocol and lugged their bags back to my desk from the front with only a minor grumble or two. (This is such an inconvenience!”)

Those people are boring, so forget I mentioned them… Let’s concentrate on the crazy, I mean, “entertaining” people.

 “What is this $%^#? I can’t believe this… We’re on vacation!” “What are we supposed to do, sit around all day?” or my new personal favorite, “Don’t you people have a nerd? You know, like one of The Big Bang Theory guys?” In the midst of the check-in chaos a bachelorette party finally roused from their party-induced coma and checked out. In addition to the usual goodies (wine, snacks, open duffle bags of undies, etc.) they packed an item that would actually make a fan of Fifty Shades of Grey cringe. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

BELL DESK COORDINATOR:  Hook, I’ve got a live one here for you!

That sentence alone should have tipped me off, but I forged ahead nonetheless. I reached for the cart and began to head out the doors, intent on carrying out yet another routine call, when my colleague pointed out an item sitting on top of the mountain of “girly luggage”.

It barely filled one of our laundry bags, but the only thing I could truly make out clearly was a battery pack at the base, one similar to the type you’d see on a power drill. Turns out, it actually was power tool – of a sort.

The item in question was actually the largest, most powerful self-pleasuring toy I have ever been unfortunate enough to lay my bellman eyes on. Seriously, this thing was ginormous, as the kids say. It even had a patriotic theme: the packaging was red, white and blue and the label said “All-American”… I’ll let you guess the rest!

Being the consummate professional, I covered the power tool up as best I could, prayed it wouldn’t fall of the cart while in transit and made my way to an SUV where a bright, shiny, petite young lady with dripping-wet hair and wrinkled clothes greeted me…

You can always spot those young ladies who have burned the party candle at both ends: they have no energy left to do their hair the next morning and their outfits consist of whatever is handily laying on the floor. Moving on…

HUNGOVER, PERKY FEMALE: Sorry we took so long to leave! A few of us aren’t moving too well today –

THE HOOK: Well,  I can certainly see why! (Pointing at a certain object) And you can pack that thing! I’m not touching, if you don’t mind…

HUNGOVER, PERKY FEMALE: (Giggling) No problem! But I think I’d better use both hands

THE HOOK: At least!

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