The Hook Balances The Scales – A Little!

This may sound odd, gentle readers, but I rarely get the chance to bring order to my little universe.


Oh sure, I fight back – in my own fashion – but my actions are limited to a small-scale and restricted by a code of conduct designed to ensure my premature termination prior to my plans for world domination reaching fruition.  

However, now and again The Hook is able to extract sweet revenge upon those who would do him wrong.

Like the young couple who checked in with enough booze for six people! They were friendly and reasonably intelligent, but they gave of the vibe of a couple who make a habit of stiffing service personnel. In other words, they were in good company in my little corner of the hospitality world.

And so I unload the luggage and as I’m finishing, my young “friend” decides to mix things up and make it snow inside the hotel!

YOUNG WOULD-BE GRIFTER: Sorry man, we don’t have any money at the moment…

This is a good time to share one of my standard operating procedures…

HOOK’S RULE #1: If you’re going to bust a guest’s ball’s, pick your target well! Know who you’re dealing with. Size them up accurately: “Will they react badly? Will they laugh, cry.. scream?”

Fortunately, after fifteen years I know my stuff. So when I’m told a guest has no money – supposedly – I have to gauge my response appropriately.

THE HOOK: Really, sir? (Pointing my eyes downward to a stack of twenty-dollar bills on the desk) Really?

Buddy just stood there with the stereotypical “Deer in the Headlights” look… until he simply gave up.

YWG: I guess I should have thought that one out better, right?

THE HOOK: May not have been a bad idea, sir…

And so I wound up with $20 in my otherwise light pockets. That was Saturday afternoon…

Fast forward to Sunday morning check-outs – crazy on toast – and a group of fifteen Kardashian wannabes with really bad attitudes and no patience. In other words, they were going to make fifteen great ex-wives someday. They called twice and even after I informed them of my imminent arrival they called again!

KARDASHIAN WANNABE #1: We’ve been waiting…

Of course, you’ve been waiting bitch! I can’t get to the room before you call! Sorry, but sometimes a harder edge is called for.

So I get to their rooms – three in total – only to be told they intend to carry most of the luggage – Lululemon bags, plastic Dollar Store bags, booze, party favors –  themselves.

KW #2: Like, we have three different cars, you know? So we’ll take most of it ourselves.

KW#3: You can take my straightener, though. But be careful, it’s hot!

KW #4: (To #3) Just like you, right?

KW #5: Yeah, but unlike her, someone actually used the straightener!

That was my cue; contrary to popular belief, not all guys like to watch cat fights!




It is now 3:13 PM, and Sunday afternoon check-ins are in full swing. A candidate for “Asian Mother of the Year” just stunned the gathered throng in the lobby with the depth of her stupidity.

She strapped so many bags to her son’s stroller that she exceeded the basic laws of gravity and the little guy tipped over! There he was screaming and thinking “Why couldn’t I have that “Tiger Mom” doucebag for a parent? She never takes her eyes off her kids!”

I’m guessing, of course, but you get the idea; the little guy got screwed over in the caregiver department. To my credit, I didn’t engage this hosebag, although I definitely should have. I was busy with other guests who were horrified by the whole affair. “How come it’s easy for some women to spread their legs but everything that comes after is so difficult?”

That exact quote came from an African-American Mom, by the way. And in case you’re wondering, the little guy was fine although I’m certain Fate isn’t done with him.

Not by a longshot.

Where were we?

Oh yeah, the “Keeping Up With The Wannabe Kardashians”. So anyway, they stiffed me downstairs, after I stood in the cold for ten minutes loading their parents’ Uplander! Gotta love those young girls with stars in their eyes and nothing in their heads, right?

Getting back to my lovely check-in crowd, I’ve had the distinct pleasure of serving several elementary school principals this afternoon, Or as I like to call them, “Hosebags in Cheap Suits/Pantsuits”

Teachers are the unsung heroes of our society, no question. A principal – most of them at least – is a moron wrapped in an idiot. Seriously, these people are truly dense.

The irony is thick enough to choke Rosie O’Donnell. And she can pack quite a bit down that throat. Food, that is. Getting back to the principals’ convention that has transformed my little hotel into the hospitality equivalent of The Bermuda Triangle, here’s a single call that defines the entire event.

  • Four teachers.
  • Ten bags.
  • One room.
  • A two-dollar tip.

No wonder our kids hate school!

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Employees, Hotel Life, Humor, Life, Postaweek2012, Social Commentary, Travel, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

94 Responses to The Hook Balances The Scales – A Little!

  1. Your hospitality horror stories make me laugh, cry, and hate the general public simultaneously.

  2. This batch is full of saucy zingers! You’re letting extra spunk out, am I right? If so, which comes first—the customers or your snazzy/snappy mood?? (The wit is a constant!)

  3. I love your comment on principals. They do tend to live in their own land of music and butterflies. I can’t see why you had to bring Rosie O’Donnel in, by the way. She is too annoying to be used as an example like that. — You are spot on, though.

  4. iamnotshe says:

    LMAO!!!! A moron wrapped in an idiot! I love people too! You are too funny. Thanks for reminding me what people really DO. That poor little kid. and the wannabees: What a fucking disastrous day — except for the $20 tip. Good move.

  5. 😆 @ Fast forward to Sunday morning check-outs – crazy on toast – and a group of fifteen Kardashian wannabes with really bad attitudes and no patience. In other words, they were going to make fifteen great ex-wives someday.

    And if Joel Osteen can do that, I’ll be a devoted fan for life.

  6. Best line– “they were going to make fifteen great ex-wives someday.”

    Just FYI, my sister is a teacher, and she over-tips everyone. The exception to the rule….

  7. I couldn’t work in hospitality: murdering guests isn’t a good look.

  8. The Hobbler says:

    So sorry Hook. You seem to have a never-ending supply of idiots sometimes.

  9. nicole marie story says:

    LOL! my motto was always, “the principal is not your PAL.”

    and i like your girls with lululemon bags story. i’m sure i would have fit in perfectly with them (if i enjoyed socialising with groups of girls, that is). 🙂 xxx

  10. sexuallifeofawife says:

    I love the fact that the YWG owned up to having made up and excuse. Glad he came good after as well!
    OMG! I’m afraid I’ve been guilty of having a tipped up child in overloaded pram! Apart from that I think I’ve been an attentive, patient and good all round mother. ‘Oh the guilt…’ ; )

  11. Woman says:

    You have to be kidding me. Seriously.

    People actually want to be like this Cardisian chicca? Wow. And I thought people went to school to get brains not lose them! What is the world coming too!!!!!! Must be all those principals running around I tell you.

  12. sonsothunder says:

    Fifteen Kardashian wannabes? How sad…

    How did you “Keep up with the Kardashians”?

    The post is funny though. Almost as funny as the latest rumor that “Kim” is out to rob “Tim Tebow” of his virginity,.. Or, at least, date him, according to her PR team, who admit she needs a means of “Rehabbing her image”.

    Tebow, after getting word that she has a crush on him, and is interested in dating…holds firm to his Christian values, and is still saving himself for marriage. Basically, he sent word…Not Interested!!!
    Bless You

  13. TBM says:

    Wow…what a bad day, except for the $20 tip. But wow…

  14. Jo Bryant says:

    Now if only you could have hooked the teachers up with the Kardashian wannabees…sweet revenge !

  15. patpatkay says:

    I’m sorry your day turned out terribly…. and having Kardashian wannabees in your presence? #@*# What’s happened to this world?

  16. I swear that I will one day show up where you work with one small bag; shortly after emptying my bank account at a local ATM. I will then hand you a wad of bills, and ask only that I learn from the master. I need to learn to put people down, denigrate them and often destroy their very souls without being blatantly obvious. I promise to stay out of your way, and will only come forward if you need someone accidently tripped down the stairs, or mugged in a back alley. You should write a book on your adventures. Thanks for a good Monday morning laugh.

  17. muddledmom says:

    I’m sorry you have to put up with this manner of people. Working with the public is not easy by any means, but when they expect you to wait on them, it puts another dimension to the suffering. So glad you can get through it enough to see the humor and share. That’s really the only way to survive it! Kardashians, ew.

  18. Fiona says:

    i wonder if any of your horror guests ever read this blog… and if it makes them think about their own bad behaviour? I hope so!

  19. Cindy says:

    Oh well, I had to read that twice, for a moment I believed that your guests are sniffing the staff …

  20. El Guapo says:

    Glad you were able vent a bit on Grifter and get a good tip off him.
    One bright spot…

  21. Such restraint! I could never contain myself as you do, I tip my hat to you dear Hook!

  22. jennygoth says:

    couldnt do your job hook id slap em all lol im only five foot two but dynamite when i get mad lol and your guests are mad your a saint lol xxjen

  23. twindaddy says:

    I worked in retail for a long, long time and I can tell you there are douchebags like this everywhere. Stupidity runs rampant and unchecked in our society nowadays and gets glorified by the likes of KK and Snooki (ugh, that name makes me vomit in my mouth a little bit). I get sad when I imagine what things will be like when the current generation is in charge of things.

  24. kewsmith says:

    So many great lines in this post but I think my favorite line is the caption on the photo.

  25. LOL I think of you whenever I tip a bellhop. They benefit from your inside view. 🙂

  26. susielindau says:

    Another motley crew!

  27. Smaktakula says:

    I couldn’t agree more vis-a-vis principals. They’re former teachers who have become bureaucrats. I have to hand it to your would-be cheap tipper, though–to come clean so quickly (and with such a witty reply) takes a certain something.

  28. raisingdaisy says:

    I don’t think there are enough Olsteens in the world to exorcise Kardashian types. I mean, aside from their disgusting attitudes, look at that photo – did ONE of them even look in the mirror before deciding to wear such crap??

  29. Sometimes you are bound to look around for the cameras: “Wait, is this one of those ‘what would you do’ reality shows, right?” Sounds like everyday, you’re the audience for a clown act at the circus.

  30. Androgoth says:

    As always you have some excellently funny quips
    added with a witty combination of everyday thrills 🙂
    Those guests are a bit of a Scream sometimes and
    the rest of the time they excel at being grumpy…

    Let us hope that the tips are plenty
    and the moaning is… Nonexistent 🙂

    Have a great Hump Day Hook 🙂


  31. Val says:

    So it was a ‘hosebag’ day then! That poor kid and his equilibrium-challenged mother… very coarse words from that other mum me thinks, perfect and all as she may be! Two-dollar tip… you just have to laugh at that one!

  32. munchow says:

    No wonder The Hook hates teachers – even if they are our unsung heroes. Otherwise I am glad you could confirm my suspicion that wannabes not only seem to have nothing behind their skull, but indeed don’t. Otherwise I know how you could have used that straightener to straighten things out right. But I think I should refrain from saying it here. Like you, I am a decent guy.

  33. Theasaurus says:

    You should start writing scripts, Hook. Short films of hotel lobby life. I think they’d really take off.

  34. countoncross says:

    The teacher math is right on…..that is what is wrong! If two trains leave the station at the same time……If four teachers check into a hotel……

  35. granny1947 says:

    If it makes you feel any better you lead a way more interesting life than I do!

  36. At least you got a $20 out of those dumb-dumbs, right?
    Dearest Hook,
    I have nominated you for one of three awards. Please do come by and see what you’ve one. It’s like a box of cracker jacks, with a fake award at the bottom! Congrats, blog friend!

  37. Remember the principal from Ferris Bueller? Nuf said. Oh, LOVED the comment about the wannabe’s being great future ex-wives !!!!!!!!!!

  38. Tilly Bud says:

    ‘they’re going to make fifteen great ex-wives one day’ – brilliant!

  39. Really? – Good way of getting the money after all! Man, wannabes should be extinct.

  40. ConnieMaria says:

    Love how you described the wannabe Kardashian girls and their convo! 😛 And way to go with that $20 from the YWG. 😛 Thx for the giggle! 🙂

  41. hotelnerd says:

    In my experience most “convention” or “group” guests are horrible tippers. If they’ve booked through the Sales department, they should all just have porterage included in their group bill and then no one has to worry about tipping the bellmen!

  42. Raven of Leyla says:

    The principal at my g-dau’s school is a combination doucebag-idiot-gossip queen ughhhh! Has no class!!! LOL
    Love the Kardasian Wanna Be’s You just got them coming at ya, my friend! Thankfully they leave 😉
    I have been trying to remember the phrase “Tiger Mom” for a couple days following a conversation I had with G-dau…Thank you for assisting me here.
    Have a great week!

  43. rweinstein6 says:

    I get a chuckle out of your posts, and at the same time, the people in them make me cringe. I’m glad you’re able to keep your sense of humor through it all, and what an entertaining outlet in this blog. I hate dealing with people myself and wonder when I’ll become that misanthrope on a mountain somewhere.

  44. lorrelee1970 says:

    Loving the ex-wives comment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s