The Universe is Truly a Marvel to Behold…


Do you feel that?

The universe is shifting; the balance of things has turned in The Hook’s favor.


If you’ve been paying attention you’ll see that my last few posts have achieved an equilibrium. It’s true, I’ve had the usual annoying, cheap buggers in my path but there have also been some truly decent, fun individuals along the way as well.

And now I’ve encountered a trio that defies convention.

They weren’t miserable by any means, nor were they decent. There were indecent – but in a fun way! When a valet driver runs in and tells you he’s a got a “big tipper” outside, you know you’re in for a fun ride.

Sure enough, this big, strapping blonde, “surfer dude-type” reaches out for a BIG handshake and introduces himself by name. People just don’t do that as often these days, so I knew this was going to be fun. And it was. His two female companions were equally blonde and even pretty, so the fun factor was upped by 200%!

FUN GUY: We’ve got all these crazy contraptions here, my friend! If you could take them up and get us some apples, we’d be eternally grateful?

Apples? And their “contraptions” were run-of-the-mill suitcases, but it was his party so I wasn’t about to argue.

FUN GIRL #1: Yeah, there really should be apples out here!

FUN GAL #2: Yeah, yeah! There should be a Suggestion Box!

THE HOOK: Which room are you in, folks?

They were having waaay too much fun to answer me, instead they took off like a bolt of greased lightning! I caught up to them a minute later and simply followed along as they bounced along down the hall. Most of their conversation was non-sensical giggling gibberish to me – they had their own private code – but finally they stopped dead in their tracks.

FUN GAL #1: Where are we going anyway?

FUN GAL #2: Yeah, where are we going?

FUN GUY: I have no idea! You could torture me with a variety of household chemicals and a feather duster and I still wouldn’t be able to tell you! I’ll just get behind this guy and he’ll know…

THE HOOK: Absolutely nothing! You didn’t tell me which room you were in, folks!

FUN GUY: Well, I’ll just whip this out –

THE HOOK: I prefer you not do that , sir…

ALL: Aww! You’re sharp!

He pulled out his key packet and we realized they were moving in the wrong direction! As we stood waiting for the right elevators they whispered to each other and then he put one arm around me and hugged me close, realclose!

FUN GUY: You want to come swimming with us later? What do you say?

THE HOOK: I’m sure it will be a blast, but sadly, I must decline your offer.

Saved by the elevator! We embarked on a ride that was filled with more non-sensical conversation.

FUN GUY: I’m starving! We should get one of those, what did you call them?

FUN GAL #1: A Kobe beef ball?

FUN GUY: Yeah!

They proceeded to describe this concoction made up of several pounds of Kobe beef molded into a ball – apparently it’s a big hit with the Dr. Seuss-worshipping crowd! Actually, Dr. Seuss isn’t all that accurate; being in their presence was more akin to dining with the Mad Hatter and his cronies – if they were young and hot!

English: The Mad Hatter, illustration by John ...

Image via Wikipedia


Just an aside: hot crazy chicks make me incredibly uncomfortable – in my professional capacity at least – but at least they’re nice to look at.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the Terrible Trio and their wild ride.

So we arrive at the room (finally!) and everyone just freezes . After the longest minute of my life I decide to step up..

THE HOOK: Perhaps we should.. go in… now?


I honestly expected the Kool-Aid guy to come bursting through one of the walls! At least that would have given me an excuse to extricate myself from the situation. However, I had to forge ahead; my charges had me unload the bags before they informed me of the fact they had in fact booked two rooms!

We sorted that out and then the gentleman informed me I could return in the middle of the night and slip into bed… with him!

FUN GUY: If you like, that is…

THE HOOK: That’s very nice of you, sir. Most people just offer me money.

FUN GAL  #2: Oh! How much?

THE HOOK: Well that depends –

FUN GAL #1: On what?

THE HOOK: How much Wild Turkey it takes to drown out the memory of the call…

Once again, they stood transfixed…

And then they let out a boisterous round of laughter that reinforced the Tea Party reference. A few bills were peeled off a rather large wad and slapped into my hand with a hearty “Attaboy!”

We exchanged our goodbyes; I amended my usual “Just let us know if you need anything at all.” with an “If you need anything at all, towels, extra pillows, more opium, just speak directly into the television. It doesn’t even need to be on!”

They loved that.

FUN GUY: What if we want to reach you directly?

THE HOOK: Just dial 666 on the phone.

ALL: Good one!

Well, that’s my tale. Make of it what you will. It’s all true, although I must admit many of the real gems my new friends spouted were lost in my confusion and amazement; it’s not every day I get to serve guests directly from Wonderland. 

From the Rabbit Hole, I’m The Hook.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Holidays, Hotel Life, Humor, Life, Postaweek2011, Social Commentary, Travel, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

80 Responses to The Universe is Truly a Marvel to Behold…

  1. Scriptor Obscura says:

    Wow, were these three for real? Where do people like this come from??? And what were they smoking? They must have been high on something. People like this…wow. At least they gave you a good tip in the end! And hey, either way, its better than being treated badly by the usual parade of slimy douchebags! At least you were entertained, and you got to tell us about it later.

    • The Hook says:

      I told you: they came from Wonderland! There is no other rational explanantion! And you’re right; I got a great batch of blog fodder out of it!

  2. Cindy says:

    I enjoyed this so much I shared it on Facebook. You are one funny guy, Hookster 🙂

  3. hotelnerd says:

    I love crazy guests, especially pleasantly crazy guests. The unpleasantly crazy ones go straight on The List! And they don’t want to be on The List!

  4. susielindau says:

    Hahaha! The Rabbit Hole is right! Just think of the blog post you could write if you went swimming with them? I don’t think VampireLover would have approved – unless she was included of course!
    Great post!

  5. Ahaha You’re sharp!

  6. littlesundog says:

    I wish I had just half your wit!

  7. SidevieW says:

    LOL, all sorts of people wander into your little world don’t they. One day I’ll have to try it (whatever they were inhaling)

  8. El Guapo says:

    It’s days like that that help make dealing with the rest of the public bearable.
    Rock on, Hook.

  9. In the days when folks used to lick stamps and travel in their minds this might have been a more common event, but nowadays……day trippers are rare, I’m glad they found their way to you and not to someone who might lead them to the edge of the pool!

  10. wordsfallfrommyeyes says:

    You have got THE most crazy life – you know why? because it involves PEOPLE on a daily basis. Bizarro. You’ll never run out of tales, you won’t. But I love it you make me smile.

  11. I think the mad hatter reference is absolutely perfect for this bunch! You had me giggling all the way through. I think it’s a good thing you have such a sharp sense of humor, definitely a survival tool in your profession!

    Prey tell – what nationality were these fun guys?

    • The Hook says:

      A good sense of humor – and knowing when to use it – is invaluable in the bellman game! And the Mad Hatter and his cronies were Americans.

  12. Caroline says:

    There’s no way these people weren’t on some sort of drug. But, at least they provided some comic relief…even if it was a bit awkward at times! Good thing you’re witty and quick on your feet. I would fail miserably in these situations haha.

  13. Raven says:

    The universe is shifting and you have achieved an equilibrium let us not forget the Mad Hatter bunch of wits, oh yes lest I forget to mention he asked you to slip into bed with him later. Oh WHAT A DAY, WHAT A DAY!!! Does it get any better??? I love these days and I so thank you for sharing your wit and “fangtasitc” yet gallant charm during this adventure through Wonderland.
    Warm feathery,

  14. Raven says:

    Perhaps they put your number on Speed Dial as #1 LOL

  15. Woman says:

    I love it!!!! I love the Alice in Wonderland reference!!

  16. Wow, you just can’t make this stuff up.
    I like your new look.

  17. Soooo….. was he a big tipper? Or was the entertainment alone worth it?

  18. They sound fun! I am curious why you didn’t want to join? 😉

  19. Theasaurus says:

    What a fantastic blog you’ve got going, Hook. Very entertaining. I look forward to more strange-but-true tales from your hotel.

  20. You are too entertaining! Thanks for another fab episode. 😉

  21. nicole says:

    i once dated a man who attended Rugby College where lewis carroll was educated. just thought i’d add something completely sort of unrelated, but i had a burning desire to share that information nonetheless. and i hate that tom petty video. freaks me out! x

    • The Hook says:

      You too? I was considering mentioning that, but I never got around to it!
      For the uniniated: Tom Petty’s video for Don’t Come Around Here No More features Petty as a Mad Hatter who tries to ward Alice of the dangers of drugs(!) It ends very badly for Alice,a s she is transformed into a cake and consumed by the Tea Party guests!
      Thanks for mentioning that, Nicole.

  22. And I thought the crazies I met on the bus were bad… Have any guests ever tried to convert you to their religion/cult/diet?

  23. TBM says:

    That is an interesting trio! Glad things turned in your favor…except they are still crazy out there. Why apples?

  24. mairedubhtx says:

    That was a visit to remember!

  25. mj monaghan says:

    Mr. Hook, always a pleasure to read your tales! Keep them coming, my new blog friend.

  26. Wow…a proposition AND a big tip! Sounds like you handled it well, Hook!

    Hope you have a great Christmas, with lots of big tips!


  27. That was a funny entry, Hook. One of the benefits of working with people from all walks of life, I guess. LOL!
    Have a great holiday season; Or are you working? In which case, I am sure the funnies will keep on coming!

  28. eva626 says:

    record your convos and sell them…

    or stick to posting them …either way its a great way to pull in readers. YOU ARE TOO FUNNY!!!!

  29. The Hobbler says:

    Crazy…as usual 😉

  30. renxkyoko says:

    Darn it, 60 comments! ! I always have to get in line to speak to you !

    Annnywaaaays, that one is hilarious ! ! But, no really, it really happened ? The conversation , I mean ? Ahahahaha ! This is the best encounter you have had so far… wow, being propositioned by a blond, surfer type hunk. LOL

    Happy Holidays, Mr. Hook ! !

  31. Aaron Babcock says:

    They sound fun!

  32. Fox@n says:

    Lol at everything.
    I guess things are looking up for you now.Great post.

  33. sexuallifeofawife says:

    Another great post! You’re lucky to be so sharp. I always think of the best retorts a few minutes too late! ; )

  34. mcqty says:

    Yet another awesome tale. This one would make a great episode in your future TV Show !!

    Staying tuned as always. Happy Holidays to you and yours !!

  35. bmj2k says:

    Now THAT was a fun read!

  36. jussaraluna says:

    Hi my friend:))
    Hugs to you~~Jussara

  37. jlheuer says:

    Curiouser and curiouser.

  38. Laugh out loud stuff!!!

    I so couldn’t have refused the offer. You are a strong man Hook.

  39. Pingback: The Versatile Blogger Award « Motley News

  40. Just wanted to let you know that I have chosen you as a recipient of The Versatile Blogger Award. Congratulations! You deserve it!!!

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