Poppy vs. The Chicken!

The plan was elegant in its simplicity; prepare supper while VampireLover – his daughter – was out getting her hair done.

The Hook – the son-in-law – was writing and Glee Girl – the granddaughter – was busy being a kid, so he decided to step up. Unfortunately, the Fates had conspired against Poppy – the grandfather – and his task was made more difficult by the proverbial monkey wrench.

I was knee-deep in the book version of You’ve Been Hooked! and The Book Of Terrible when I heard a racket from the kitchen.

POPPY: What’s going on here? Cook, you rotten son of a bitch! What’s the matter with you?

The cooking agenda was not unfolding properly.

  • Potatoes: Mashed to perfection. Could have been used as snow in a movie!
  • Veggies: Green and supple, not rubbery.
  • Extras: Sliced tomatoes and cucumbers, etc., all laid out.
  • Chicken legs: Frozen to the core!

And so he retrieved the dish from the stove, moved the legs around a bit and tried again.

Twenty minutes pass.

Another status check yields disappointing results. Then the phone rings and one of Poppy’s friends hears this…

POPPY: No, dinner’s not done! The damn chicken legs won’t cook! I’ve never had chicken do this to me! I’m gonna throw the sons of bitches out the door!

I can just imagine the look on his female friend’s face as he hurled a series of expletives – senior style – through the phone. I tried to settle his temper, but after another status check failed to shows sign of improvement, he switched tactics. The dish was removed, the cursed legs were taken out and tossed angrily onto a shallow baking pan!

THE HOOK: We forgot to bring the legs up from the basement freezer in the morning; maybe they’re still frozen…

POPPY: They’re damn rotten things, is what they are! I’ve never had this much trouble with chicken!

THE HOOK: Well, just hang in there!

I’m real helpful in the kitchen, right? Even more time passes and VampireLover finally returns home to restore order to a universe thrown into chaos by her absence – families can’t function without Mom – and what doe she say first?

VL: How’s it going, Dad?

POPPY: These damn chicken legs!

I just put my head down and kept writing…

VL: You’re cooking alone? Where is he? Get in here, you!

It was my turn to be grilled…


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Employees, Hotel Life, Humor, Life, Postaweek2011, Social Commentary, Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

60 Responses to Poppy vs. The Chicken!

  1. vampirelover17 says:

    Happy 84th Birthday Dad…..BTW stay away from the kitchen when were cooking chicken…LOL!!!

  2. littlesundog says:

    Great title! Ya gotta love Poppy… only Senior’s can pull off great expletives like that! It’s as if they’ve earned the right! Happy Birthday to Poppy!

  3. eva626 says:

    happy bday to Poppy!!!

  4. brittany220 says:

    Haha trouble in the kitchen ay? Hope you guys figured it out together! And did you get my email Hook? I sent one last week and another one recently. Let me know, thanks!

  5. Jo Bryant says:

    Happy birthday to Poopy – oops – meant Poppy, but not gonna change it now…hehehe. i love it when older people get vocally expletive…dreaming of the future I guess.

    • The Hook says:

      He’s been called “Poopy” by some of his kids – VampireLover, among them – but whatever you call him, he’s one-of-a-kind!

  6. Love that title, post was funny. Happy Birthday to Poppy!

  7. susielindau says:

    The last line said it all!

  8. Great and funny story 🙂

  9. Sounds normal….chicken legs still frozen. Argggh! (But the rest of the menu – yummy!). Hope everyone had a good serving of chuckles later.

  10. senior citizen gold! 🙂

  11. Cherie says:

    Lol…great story. Happy Birthday to Poppy! ❤

  12. Spectra says:

    I missed your post yesterday, and though I am late to the uh…table…Happy Birthday to Poppy!

    This was a pleasurable and fluent read, Hook! What’s the book thing about? I’ve been seeing some really fine, sentimental writing across the blogosphere this morning. Makes me want to dig in and write something sentimental myself.

    • The Hook says:

      I’m attempting to combine material from both blogs into a single volume. I’m going to self-publish – since publishers wouldn’t spit on me if I was on fire – but it’s a sloooow porcess.
      As for writing something sentimental, you certainly have the chops!
      Poppy thanks you for the B-day wishes, by the way.

  13. Fox@n says:

    Happy birthday to POPPY!!!!!!
    Lol Great Post.
    Good luck on your books.

  14. Raven says:

    Thank you for this amusing post and a look at a family evening with Poppy LOL I shall take my leave with a big smile. 😀

  15. theonlycin says:

    Happy birthday, Mister Hook-in-law 🙂

  16. Barb says:

    Cussing and cooking go together beautifully. A nice cabernet even adds adjectives. And I’ve had the same experience where the ^$##%^ chicken refused to leave it’s soggy white status. Of course, I forgot to turn the oven on, but that doesn’t matter. Chicken must be coerced and cussed. Happy B’day to your Poppy.
    I enjoy your posts

  17. sami116 says:

    One of the best things about being old, no one can bust you for saying anything. Oh! how I am going to use that to my advantage when I’m older.

    Happy B’day Poppy 😀

  18. kat says:

    “I’ve never had chicken do this to me before” . . . I don’t know why, but that part cracked me up. The poultry shall have its revenge.

    Happy birthday to your Poppy! Great post.

  19. mcqty says:

    It’s a Chicken Conspiracy, I’m sure of it. LOL I’m sure the VampireLover swooped in to the rescue (super-woman cape and all). Happy Birthday Poppy!

  20. countoncross says:

    I am on Poppy’s side…..the chicken always wins when I cook also! I don’t think it is ever really done. lol

    Great story….again 🙂

  21. El Guapo says:

    This was hilarious.
    And I will be using “I’m gonna throw the sons of bitches out the door!” in the future.

    Happy belated birthday to your poppy.

  22. meredith says:

    hahaha! you were trying to fly under the radar. too bad! 🙂 happy birthday, poppy!

  23. No seriously, what was wrong with the chicken legs??? YOU CAN’T NOT TELL US WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM? Did they cook? Or not? Damn you, cliffhangers…

  24. eyeLaugh says:

    Lol!!! Funny story. What ended up happening to the chicken legs? Did they finally cook?

  25. Happy Birthday to Poppy!

    I wish I could tolerate my family long enough to get a post out of them. Oh, did I just say that out loud?

  26. mizqui says:

    Hilarious! Happy [belated] B-day Poppy!

  27. Androgoth says:

    You can’t beat a nostalgic steam engine Hook 🙂
    i hope that you are getting ready for Christmas and
    that Vampire Lover is back up to first class health
    again 🙂 Have s fun weekend you guys 🙂


    • The Hook says:

      Not only is she pretty much 100%, she’s started her own blog! The Crafty Mother – the link is on the side, Androgoth.
      Check her out! That didn’t sound right…

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