In the Marvel Universe, there exists a giant, bald alien character named The Watcher whose sworn duty is to observe and record the actions of extraordinary beings as they stride across the Earth, forever changing all those around them.
I’m a tall and nearly bald human being who has taken it upon himself to observe and record the actions of less than ordinary beings as they stumble across my path, forever changing all those around them – but mostly in a negative way!
So let’s discuss some of the expectations people carry with them when they arrive at my humble base of operations.
- FAMILIES: Parents just want their larvae to be occupied and out of their hair for a short time. The rugrats want to consume vast amounts of sugar and soft drinks and wreak havoc. Grandparents just want to make it through the trip without dropping dead.
- A GROUP OF GUYS: Just want to get drunk and find some dumb, drunk chicks to fool around with. The trip usually ends in abject failure and strange acts in the room that are never spoken of again.
- A GROUP OF GIRLS: The same thing, but it’s not as disgusting when something happens in the room. Oh, and there are cupcakes!
- THE CORPORATE DOUCHEBAG: The goal is to get through the boring conference during the day, and maybe get in some golf before dark. Then at night, the goal is to bang Marcy from accounting and hope no one at the office hears about it and repeats it to your spouse.
As for COUPLES, here’s where it gets interesting…
- THE HORRIBLY MISMATCHED COUPLE: She’s young and hot, he’s old, balding and carrying a spare tire. He’s constantly worried his spouse will never find out just what he’s up to during his “alone time”. If there’s no spouse involved, he’s worried he forgot his Viagra. She’s just worried she forgot her drugs, otherwise she’ll never get through a night of rough, drunken, ugly sex with this anteater.
- THE GOLDEN OLDIES: They’re both worried his Viagra will be the death of them both!
- THE SUBURBAN COUPLE: He’s worried she’ll still refuse to do that thing she refuses to do at home. She’s worried he’ll ask.
- THE GAY COUPLE: Interestingly enough, they’re the most well-adjusted and least likely to fight during check-in. Good for them!
- THE YOUNG HOT COUPLE: If it’s their first time together, he’s putting on his game face and practicing the following lines, “I swear this never happens to me – usually. I’m just nervous. Next time will be so much better, baby!” She’s rehearsing, “It really is the biggest I’ve ever seen.” and the ever-popular, “That’s all right, I understand.”
Then there are bus tours and other groups to consider…
- JAPANESE TOURISTS: Want to take as many shots as they can – of EVERYTHING – before the camera melts down! Seriously, they photograph elevator panels, empty bell carts, deserted lobbies, whatever! The goal is to map out every square inch of space and everything occupying it!
- YOUNG HOCKEY TEAMS: Want to run wild and destroy everything! It’s okay though, their parents will pay for it!
- OLD HOCKEY TEAMS: Want to bang everything in sight while drinking until liver failure is achieved!
- COPS: Who are usually here for hockey tournaments or some other unofficial function, want to run wild as well. But look out, they feel they answer to NO ONE! Unfortunately, they’re usually right!
- WEDDINGS: Are a total crap-shoot; you never know exact;y what’s going to go wrong, just that something will! It’s inevitable; young brides expect too much from hotels, and the universe in general. Your marriage won’t be perfect, so why should the wedding? The challenge is accepting the unexpected and facing it as a couple united.
But enough “Bellman Wisdom”! Let’s wrap this up with my personal favorites, dance and cheerleader competitions featuring young girls!
- DANCERS: Are usually wound tighter than their inappropriate outfits! The blame sits squarely on the shoulders of their parents who wind the kids up and send them out to fulfill the dreams they could never achieve. I’ve seen Moms and Dads who inflict more psychological damage than modern science can medicate away! At least the years of training will come in handy later on in life when Missy is dancing at “Girls, Girls , Girls!”
- CHEERLEADERS: The outfits alone cause problems; you can’t parade young girls around a hotel lobby filled with middle-aged, sexually frustrated husbands and young jerkoffs and not expect complete pandemonium to result! I’ve seen it too often. Parents: a simple long coat will do wonders to keep your daughter under wraps until she’s ready to shake her pom-poms! Otherwise, you run the risk of your daughter attracting unwanted attention that may result in her disqualification from next year’s competition – due to pregnancy!
By the way, it should be noted my personal favorites have been selected due to the chaos they inspire, not the young ladies who take part. I may be many things, but I have standards – and a vampire-loving wife who can kick my ass!