Yes, I know Neal Patrick Harris uttered these words first, but they’ve become the mantra of bloggers everywhere, so NPH will have to excuse their usage here.
Besides, let him sue me: you can’t get blood from a stone.
At any rate, our current title has been inspired by a question I receive on a daily basis from friends and colleagues: “Is this going in your blog?” I can’t really blame them; after all, a good blogger is always on the lookout for new material. Freshness is important as well; you can’t just write about cheap douchebags every week and expect your readers to not get bored every now and again.
I know you’re thinking, “Bring on the douchebags, Hook!” I agree, the underbelly of humanity is infinitely more interesting than those of us with morals and intelligence. But sometimes, when the stars are aligned just so, Fate throws you a bone.
I actually served some decent, kick-ass guests today.
- There was the couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Quite a milestone in this day and age, right? Can you imagine the things they’ve seen in five decades together? These folks were old enough to remember graduating with Noah, but they had manners and generosity to spare. If I drank, I’d swear I was hallucinating!
- My lesbian couple was a credit to their team. They were fun to serve and they seemed genuinely well-adjusted and content with their lot in life. Come to think of it, I’ve never had a bad experience with any of the homosexual couples I’ve served in the past. Isn’t that interesting?
- Five American seniors were very specific in their instructions regarding the storage of their luggage, but they soon recognized their behavior as ridiculously anal and soon relented. When they returned for the bags they spent twenty minutes grilling us on Canadian customs and economic practices. In the manner of a concerned grandfather, one of the gentlemen shoved a few dollars in my jacket pocket as I was loading up the bags!
My personal favorite for the day consisted of a bearded, burly dad, his lovely wife and their four daughters. Dad and his two older daughters met me at the room, which looked like it had seen better days.
NICE DAD: You ever travel with four women, son? They’ll run through a hotel room like a tornado and drive you nuts in the process!
THE HOOK: Sounds like fun, sir.
ND: (Laughing the big man’s laugh) Oh, it’s fun, all right!
He cleared his two daughters out of the room to give me some space to work – very considerate, by the way – and when I stepped out into the hall, I saw one of them attempting to crawl all over the cart.
ND: For Pete’s sake. get off of there!
THE HOOK: It’s fine sir. Although the kids that usually do that are much younger…
She disembarked, her young head slung in defeat. Dad, however, loved it.
ND: That’s hilarious!
We headed down to his Yukon, where his wife and two youngest daughters awaited. The girls were engaged in some sort of death match in the back seat!
THE HOOK: I think I see what you mean, sir!
NICE WIFE: Did he say our kids were animals?
THE HOOK: Oh no, he didn’t say –
NW: Because they are!
THE HOOK: I have a twelve-year-old daughter. I understand perfectly.
NW: Try having a twelve-year-old, an eleven-year-old, a nine-year-old, AND a seven-year-old – all daughters!
ND: Now you probably really see what I mean, right?
THE HOOK: I sure do! Now I don’t feel so bad about having to attend a Selena Gomez concert with my daughter. You have much more on your plate…
TOGETHER: We sure do!