First off, this is not The Book of Awesome (No, I’m not going to provide a link, find it yourself, you lazy bugger!), if you want to read stories about the generous nature of the human spirit or the healing power of bubble wrap, click the red “X” now.
Okay, now that we’ve cleared the air, let’s get on with our regularly scheduled douche bashing. Here are some things that I noticed while loading Japanese tour luggage this morning.
- The Japanese must make physical contact with their luggage after they’ve had it picked up by the bellman. They have to touch it before it’s loaded or they suffer unspeakable consequences.
- They are the most pleasant guests you’ll ever meet, but I’m not sure if that’s only due to the language barrier. I hope not.
- Contrary to popular belief, they do run late occasionally. There is a reason the Swiss make watches while the Japanese stick to cameras!
- If you sneeze in a crowd of Japanese tourists, they scream like banshees and they scatter like bats when you shine a light on them!
After the buses finally cleared out, it was time to face the wrath of the business traveller. Here are some highlights of their many visits to my desk this morning.
- “Here is my bag. Guard it with your life.” He was actually serious.
- “Be careful with this, it’s a laptop.” I have to be careful with everything, sir.
- “I’m waiting for a package. Where is it?” Now I’m Federal Express?
- “Is your storage room secure?” Would I tell you if it wasn’t?
Now that we’ve covered the Japanese and the business traveller, let’s move on to those wacky seniors!
DAZED WIFE: (Running around the car, attempting to gather her belongings and wits!) I’m going to park the car. You go check in, Harold.
HAROLD: How am I supposed to do that?
DW: (Sighing long and hard) Take this paper (she proceeds to pull a series of papers, one after another from her bag), and this one. and this one..
HAROLD: (Shouting) How may of these things do you have?
DW: Just take them! Do you have your points card?
Of course he didn’t. They continued to bicker back and forth until I dove into the fray…
THE HOOK: Let’s just take a second to get organized, folks. I go through the same thing with my wife –
DW: You rush her too?
THE HOOK: No, I don’t have a death wish! But believe me, people tend to nip at each other during check-in. It’s perfectly understandable.
Cooler heads prevailed and they went their separate ways for a few minutes. He was still hot under the collar, though, and muttered to himself as he headed to the Front Desk. Fifteen minutes later, I received a call at my desk.
The check-in process revealed a plot twist: they were at the wrong hotel.
I met the wife at the Front Desk and brought the bags to their car in the garage.
DW: Don’t tell him this, but he’s so hard to travel with! He gets all the details wrong! Can you imagine going to the wrong hotel?
THE HOOK: Happens at least once a week…
DW: Well, I’m not surprised we’re this week’s victims!
THE HOOK: How long have you been married?
Admittedly, her response floored me.
DW: Five years.
I have almost seventeen years of marriage under my belt and I only recently began to really get under my wife’s skin!
DW: This is my second marriage. I was married to my first husband for forty-seven years, but he died five years ago. I’m 72 and he’s driving me crazy!
And that, folks, is my life in a nutshell.