Sunday, Why Do You Vex Me So?


Imagine being a character in a disaster movie that walks on-screen after the credits start to roll.

That was The Hook on this particular Sunday.

My colleague, “Midnight Mike, Night Bellman” informed me of last night’s shenanigans.

  • Some jackass ripped the smoke detector off his ceiling, which triggered the fire alarm in the entire hotel.
  • Security evicted this gearboxes’ entire group which meant six rooms were forced to leave!
  • The douche in question was charged $1,300 for damages.
  • Ten police officers were called in to reinforce the fire department and assist our Security with evictions.
  • Simultaneously, some East Indian moron tried to force his way through the obviously long line at Front Desk but was verbally bitch-slapped by Midnight Mike.
  • The best part? The East Indian goofball claimed to be a hotel franchisee, but he was staying in one of our cheapest rooms!

So that’s what I missed. As for my day, here’s what my first call consisted of..

  • Two screaming kids.
  • One frail, but sweet grandmother.
  • One dumpy, but polite mother.
  • One fat bastard of a dad.
  • Seventeen bags!
  • And finally, one dollar Canadian for the tip.

I received my gratuity as I was leaving the room and heading for the car. “Hey, boss.” shouted the fat bastard dad, “Take this.”

Big mistake.

I won’t go into detail, (the HR department reads my blogs!), but my response was more than appropriate and skillfully delivered, I might add. We rendezvoused at their “Hickmobile” and I stood by as the wife lifted every single bag into the trunk as her husband sorted items on the front seat. She manged just fine without my help, but I think she was wondering just why I was inactive.

But he knew.

So when his wife’s labor was completed and I walked away, he caught up to me. “Sorry, boss.” he said, his head sunk in defeat, “Take this.” I folded the ten-dollar bill and slid it into my pocket.

My victory glow was blinding.

The aftermath of the fire alarm resonated all day. One disgruntled guest after another took shots at any and all employees in their path. “Why did this have to happen?” one particularly surly goofball asked.

“Would you rather burn to death because the system failed, sir?’ was the only response I could muster. He had no choice but to concede and laugh about the whole thing. As for the rest of the mob, they found something else to complain about: the elevator wait time.

SWEET OLD LADY: (As she exits the elevator) These elevators are a nightmare! Someone should be shot for this!

Okay, but in my defence, she looked like a sweet old lady.

The rest of the day was a blur. After the chaos that is Sunday morning check-out, it gets real quiet in my little corner. Until the buses start arriving, that is.

It was raining, just enough to piss me off, mind you. The luggage stickers we apply tend to slide off in the rain, so between the elements and my lack of enthusiasm, the task of simply unloading the bus proves troublesome, to say the least. Perhaps that’s why we made a mistake or two.

We misplaced Pamela Anderson’s luggage.

Okay, not the Pam (May Be Used As A Floatation Device!) Anderson, more like the Pamela (How Is She Still Walking Around?) Anderson, but the error is still unforgivable for a bellman.

Pamela Anderson.
Image via Wikipedia

Now you’re wondering, “Did they figure it all out?”

How the hell should I know? It was 5 pm, and my shift ended.

I’m dedicated, but only when I’m getting paid.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Employees, Hotel Life, Humor, Life, Postaweek2011, Social Commentary, Travel, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to Sunday, Why Do You Vex Me So?

  1. raisingdaisy says:

    LOL you *do* get some loonies in your world! I imagine those crazy guests are reasons both for and against working in the hospitality field, but it’s certainly never dull! Better than a boring 9-5 desk job! 😉

  2. Spectra says:

    You mean, you’re allowed to stand there and ignore helping a guest, because of the lousy tip???? Jeez. When I waitressed years ago, you don’t get the tip until AFTER all of your back-bending work. And by then, those SOB’s were well out the door. Nothing you could do about it. Once, when I forgot to take my meds (my very last attempt at that line of work) I ran out the door after a cheap pair of ladies, yelling something like “Thanks! Thanks A lot!” and waving their $2.00 high up in the air. They looked at me like I was crazy, and I was. I’d had enough! That marked the end of food service for me 😀 thank god.

  3. charlywalker says:

    LOL..Pam Anderson…..she’s comes with her own baggage……LOL

    great piece!

  4. mindslam says:

    I hear you man, I’ll give them 110% during my hours, but at 5:00…it’s time to hit the road. That’s “my time”.

  5. penpusherpen says:

    working day…. and blur sounds good… and dedication?.. respect goeth both ways.. x

  6. jennygoth says:

    wow hook a stressed time then certainly some strange people stay at your hotel hope you have a good weekend xxjen

  7. Sandi Ormsby says:

    I have not been blogging for some time and unable to read most posts . However, I did take time to read this and laughed- had to see how the story ended. I swear, had we visited your part of Canada, I’m sure I would have made it into one of your blog posts. I was one of the crazy moms with two kids and a tiny dog. The hubby had to leave for work, and I was left figuring out how to load/unload everything and maintain dignity. (too embarrassed to ask for help, and didn’t have enough tip money to properly thank them!) I was often frazzled and probably ended up the subject of one of the many hotels we stayed. 🙂 HAHAHAH! yIKES!

    Lake Forest, CA

  8. Aneesa says:

    This is really funny… but Ive worked in some places similar and I must say you get some real characters through the doors.. really weird ones… and what you find in their rooms after… and they look so normal too 😛

  9. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    HA! Best conclusion ever! 😀

  10. Yup! Once you’re out of there, run fast, run free!

  11. Jo Bryant says:

    How are you not incarcerated in the local looney bin as yet ??

  12. I really do hope you are putting all this away for a sitcom or something !

  13. Androgoth says:

    Do those crazy loons only come out on your shift or are they always there Hook? 🙂 lol I like your slant on story telling as there is always so much to enjoy, even a glimpse of Pamela Anderson in the Niff, well not in the Niff exactly but hey we can’t have everything can we? 🙂 lol At least those loons don’t follow you home… I hope? lol

    Have a great rest of day now Hook and
    thank you for your unique postings, they
    are very entertaining 🙂


  14. sonsothunder says:

    Hey, when you said East Indian, I already suspected he owned a few hotels here in the states or somewhere…and let me guess, his name was “Sonny Patel” Okay, maybe not Sonny, but here every motel owner ( most of which are now Indian ) Use the name Patel…and just shy of every 5 Years I think it is…they pass it down to another Patel in the family, which, some way or other keeps them from paying taxes…Anyway, if the HR reads your blog here’s a message for them… Charge an automatic gratuity to all skinflints with “Stupid” stamped on their foreheads…and 20% Extra for those who ask to use, or take a cart to avoid a Bellmans services…

    Oh heck, Hook,.. I can see that approach is getting you know where…here’s an idea…you share one of these with the HR department…then use the empty Bottle on the Skinflints…


  15. Great post – love your sarcastic humor. I work on the planning end and bitch about the sales reps who have to have aisle seating in Economy Plus and “make sure there are coca cola products in the meeting room,” and “I only want round tables at the dinner, etc.” I can’t imagine having to deal with these lunatics at check-in, check-out and every step in between!

    • The Hook says:

      Yeah, it rocks. The average traveler has degenerated in quality over the past year. The same jerks you deal with every day are a real joy when they get to me!

  16. HoaiPhai says:

    I deal with the public too and what’s better than the regular folk who have famous names are the people who have names that their parents should never have given them or ones that are married with hyphenated last names that take on a meaning all its own, like Pringle-Chips (I made that one up just to illustrate).

  17. kat says:

    Holy cow. I worked at a Super 8 as a maid (for want of a better word) in Wisconsin for about a month. In that brief time, I cleaned shaving cream out of a toilet, wiped about two cans worth of dip off a mirror, and realized that when people helpfully make their beds before they check out, it’s to hide something disgusting that happened to the ground sheets.

    I can’t imagine working in a hotel for longer than a month. I applaud you, sir.

  18. See, if I was travelling with spouse, mother, two kids, and 17 bags… I wouldn’t be travelling because I couldn’t afford the tip alone!

  19. Androgoth says:

    Just called by to have another read up on your wicked stories, I hope your Vampire lover is sticking to the Red stuff, opposed to the Champagne… Well it’s better for you that way 🙂 lol Have a great rest of day and evening Hook 🙂


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