Lazy Dads, She-Wolves, And The Perils of Lawn Maintenance.

SUNDAY:

Right out of the gate, and I get a young punk, his hot Parisian bride and their baby. Oh, and a fully loaded cart! That would have been fine, but then we had to go to Grandma’s room! One huge suitcase later, we make our way to their truck where the young punk hops into the front seat, leaving Grandma to help me load everything plus a stroller into a very small space.

And so we maneuvered bags around.

And around.

And around.

Fifteen minutes later, the job was done. The doorman, who had been carefully observing the entire scene, walked over as I was returning inside. “Hook, I can’t believe you didn’t let that old lady have it! Are you high? Why were you so calm?’

I still don’t know the answer.

Perhaps timing really is everything. The rest of the morning was filled with the usual Sunday shenanigans…

  • Friendly, but confused old folks who just don’t have a clue.
  • Tribes of hung-over Jersey Shore impersonators who want all the help in the world – for free, naturally.
  • Rude, well-heeled yuppies who also want world-class service for trailer park prices.
  • Screaming, kids, hopped up on sugar and Red Bull.
  • Dads who replay the moment they decided not to use a condom.
  • Cougar Moms who replay the moment they let them.

MONDAY:

I’ve settled into a routine that consists of arriving at work a half-hour early; this allows me time to help out with buses, if necessary, and of course, check the old blog. My routine proved invaluable this morning as we had one midnight bellman to retrieve 30 rooms worth of “monster” bags!

Turns out the bus driver had his times mixed up and he was under the impression he had twenty minutes before his bus left.

MIXED-UP DRIVER: We’re leaving in twenty minutes! What are you guys doing?

THE HOOK: Twenty minutes?

MD: Yeah, you heard me!

THE HOOK: And yet, the guide is nowhere to be found and I don’t see any passengers…

MD: Well…

Sure enough, while grabbing the luggage I had an opportunity to confirm the departure time with some of the passengers. When confronted with his error, the driver was succinct in his response.

MD: I guess that’s why I drive a bus!

The day felt…off, somehow. Even for my little corner of hospitality hell.

Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS is considered the qui...
Image via Wikipedia

My first call was a couple in their mid-50s. He was meek and mild, she looked like Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS!

To be fair, the lady was just that: a well-mannered,classy female of European descent who just happened to give off a certain “vibe”. I felt as though I should have bowed my head and pray I didn’t feel the kiss of her whip on my ear!

I wound up making more helping them than I did in three subsequent calls! I guess Ilsa knows how to keep her man happy and so he “spreads the wealth”, so to speak.

During my next trip upstairs I walked into a full elevator of Asians, one of whom was using a zoom lens to take a series of shots of the elevator panel!

I guess they appreciate fine German-made, Canadian elevators in the Pacific Rim.

TUESDAY:

So it’s my day off and I embrace the opportunity to hang with VampireLover and run an errand or two; navigating the treacherous waters of Canadian bureaucracy to get my first-ever passport, running from store to store to save money on groceries (I think somewhere along the way, we became old people!), and finally, tackling the ever-looming, never-ending chore list!

She continued painting the porch and I began cutting the grass. Sounds pretty routine and humdrum, right? Then you don’t know The Hook very well, do you?

My father-in-law lives right next door and I’ve taken on the weekly task of tending both sets of lawns. The problem lies with the giant hive located at the side of his property. I’ve been warned to stay clear of this area, but the grass has gotten thick, and I’m  a male (equally thick!), so you just know I’m going to wander over there…

And so I did, and so the mutant bees that tend this hive came at me, pissed off and stingers at the ready. One minute later, VampireLover is laughing as her hubby stands before her, head cocked forward, and a stinger protruding from his neck! She fixed me right up, but her methods left something to be desired…

I’m not a certified professional, but I’m fairly certain a butter knife is not an instrument recognized by the medical community!

WEDNESDAY:

I’m stinger-free, and ready for another fun-filled day of freedom! It’s New Comic Day and the sun is shining. What could possibly go wrong?

Oh wait, VampireLover is standing behind me, no doubt ready to move in slowly and seductively… and flick the exact spot I was stung in! Yep, I was right. Now we have to go to the dentist and continue to paint the house.

I can make lemonade out of lemons, but it just gets thrown in my face. Man, that stings.

Can’t wait to see how the rest of the week turns out.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Employees, Hotel Life, Humor, Life, Postaweek2011, Social Commentary, Travel, Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to Lazy Dads, She-Wolves, And The Perils of Lawn Maintenance.

  1. mairedubhtx says:

    So sorry to hear about the stinging insects.

  2. Cindy says:

    Serves the granny right for doing a gooseberry on the punk and his fetching bride.
    People give their kids Red Bull in Canada? Heck that explains a whole lot about my step daughter who grew up in Kelowna, BC. Nasty piece of work she turned out … Enjoy your day of freedom 🙂

  3. I hope New Comic Day helped eased the pain, although . . . a butter knife?! Ai ai ai!

  4. Eric Sylvester says:

    Cmon, sir, NOTHING is THAT bad on new comic day 🙂

  5. I always think that when we have a good bad a bad day follows and visa versa for Weeks too! I hear ya on the down hill spiral but it has to get better. You have to get through the Forrest to see the trees and the light at the end.

  6. sonsothunder says:

    Around here you would be required to call homeland security Immediately on the Asian Photographer, (else be suspect as the inside connection should the Hotel go down) and if a little stinger is all you have to worry about, no, I wont go there…Just be glad it wasn’t a Butcher Knife…and it may be if you keep eying Lisa’s Wealth like that…
    Okay, bad joke of the day, sorry.

    Hey, watch out, the Vampire lover , BEHIND YOU!!!

  7. raisingdaisy says:

    I was just about to write what sonsofthunder wrote – that Asian photographer would be in the custody of Homeland Security indefinitely and his film would be destroyed in a heartbeat. Something similar nearly happened to my husband in England when he took a picture of the outside of his employer’s building – he was warned sternly by security that photos of buildings are NOT allowed and would be deleted from his camera. So what do tourists do now, just buy postcard photos??

    Glad you only got one sting from that nest of nasties! Seems to me like some days, the true hornet’s nest is at your work! 😉

  8. irratebass says:

    Ouch! What kind of mutant bees were they?

  9. Ouch! Sorry to hear about the sting! 😦

  10. More fun than a class full of teenagers. I swear!

  11. F. says:

    Ouch! Evil bees 😦

    Have a good week – free of young punks and full of Ilsa’s.

  12. Androgoth says:

    I’m not sure how you survived the ‘She Wolf’ if she looked as wicked as all that? Of course you might have been tempted to bend over for some of Lisa’s frighteningly wicked whipping action, and from the description of her partner I am sure that he could have given you a few tips too (Sorry about the Pun 😉 lol)

    Well at least you had all of Tuesday to get over it, well with all the painting and cutting of grass it must have taken your mind off Miss Whiplash, well for some of the time anyway? 🙂 Just kidding…

    Have a wicked rest of day now Hook 🙂

    Androgoth

  13. Spectra says:

    Still, stings and douches aside, you sound like a pretty nice guy to go into work half hour early, and mow the other lawn.

  14. jennygoth says:

    i would have thought vampire wifey would have sucked it lol the sting hook hmm bee stings really hurt sounds like you have had a busy time at work and home can t understand how a woman can be with a man just because hes rich i couldnt not unless i fancied him no matter how much wealth he had so paul mc artneys safe lol although hes marrying again the fool hope you have a good week hook stay away from bees nests and if you get stung tell her suck lol xxjen

  15. vampirelover17 says:

    Are you mowing the lawn on your day off this week? This time stay clear of the bees nest or I will have to get the butter knife out again….ha ha ha!!! 😉

  16. JM Randolph says:

    “I guess that’s why I drive a bus.” Love that.

  17. Simona says:

    █▄█.█▀█.█▀█.█▀█.█▄█
    █▀█.█▀█.█▀▀.█▀▀.─█_ DAY

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