Seven Days of Summer Fun!


A  major-league Canadian brewing giant decided to grace my little corner of the world with a conference. I think the focus should have been on manners.

BEER EXEC:  (Approaching the bell Desk and three bellmen) Hey fuckers! Can I have my bags? Oh, and where can I score some weed?

Needless to say, the gentlemen manning our desk at the time, normally a very mild-mannered guy, fantasized about the executive’s violent demise at the jaws of a pack of rabid wolverines!

Seriously, he really did.


Freedom, sweet, blessed freedom!

My day consisted of raking leaves (My neighbor’s maple tree is diseased and drops dozens of leaves per second! Honestly!), driving around looking for piano books for Sarah and just chillin’, as the young people say when they’re not burning down businesses or doing illicit drugs.

Domestic bliss at it’s finest.


Simply put, I had a very bad day.

We usually have at least four buses leaving at once on a Wednesday morning and three bellmen on, so I decided to come in early and lend a helping hand.

Big mistake.

I got stuck handling a thirty-room bus MYSELF! When there are three more bellmen around, there is no excuse for The Hook to be left on his own. Not only was I responsible for putting the tour behind schedule, I was exhausted!

NOT the best way to start a summer day when you’re a bellman, trust me.

My first call of the day? A family composed of two sleazy, teenage daughters, a hyperactive twelve-year-old boy and a Mom and Dad at each other’s throats!

CRAZY DAD:  (To Crazy Mom) Where are the girls?

CRAZY MOM:  I let them go to the Gift Shop downstairs? Why, are we leaving?

CRAZY DAD:  Of course, we’re leaving! I can’t believe you let those girls go downstairs! What were you thinking?

At that point my presence at the doorway is pointed out to Crazy Mom, who, after more arguing with her spouse about her questionable parenting skills, begins to throw small bags outside the door! Seriously, she threw several small bags out of the room and just watched as they piled up in front of the bell cart in the hall.

I wasn’t about to load the cart until my lovely guests brought me their large suitcases, and I certainly wasn’t setting foot into that war zone! Time stood still as I loaded the cart while Crazy Dad contemplated throwing his wife out the window (We were on the 43rd floor!), and she considered returning home and starting an affair with their neighbor Hank!

By the time we had made our way downstairs and I loaded their mini-van from Hell, I was ready to take both these idiots out! But they had one last surprise in store for The Hook: they stiffed me.

My day started at 8:30 am, and it was noon before I made a single dollar from the anteaters I spent the morning serving.

I wish someone could remind me just why I stay sober.


The day of the hotel’s staff party, or as I will always remember it – “The Day I Almost Pulled What Was Left of My Hair Out!”

From the moment I stepped out of the elevator into the Bell Room, I was inundated with requests like “Can I go home early, Hook?” I’m not a supervisor, my word carries no administrative weight whatsoever, yet two of my colleagues kept hammering away at my resolve until I threatened their lives if they didn’t leave early!

Of course, the day was filled with cheap guests and the calls were few and far between, so it didn’t really matter that four of my fellows left early to join the celebration. Personally, I don’t mind the concept of the staff picnic, but when the official time runs out, those left behind camp out over night (It’s held at an actual campground, by the way), and get blind stinking drunk and attempt to hump each other into a coma!

As it turns out, the party temporarily degenerated into a mini-UFC match involving two couples, culminating in a visit by local law enforcement! There was also a very public make out session involving two employees as well, so the action wasn’t just limited to fisticuffs.

None of this should bother me, but this year’s party was to be held at a local zoo/conference area until the Party Brigade raised a fuss and kept the status quo intact.

Alcohol and hormones, together they form the bane of my existence.


Not only did I get to work a back-to-back shift, which is always nice in the summer, I got to serve the “Worst of the Worst”, which is always good for my financial and mental well-being!

Case in point, my first call wa s a young couple with 25 plastic bags, booze and camping equipment, including a tent and barbecue! They were on the second floor of our ultra-hot parking garage and they were convinced a simple “Thanks, man!” would be a sufficient gratuity.

It wasn’t.

Next up was a return guest, a short, black haired degenerate gambler who really looks the part. He was convinced it was going to take me over thirty minutes to arrive at the room, so he hopped in the shower, leaving his girlfriend to pound on the bathroom door and shriek, “The bellman’s here! What do you want him to take?”

He finally walks out of the bathroom in a towel and proceeds to berate me for not taking longer to get to him! Then I get to wait in the hall while he fights with his female companion about the whereabouts of a third member of their party, “He’s at the casino gambling $25 of my money because he lost all his! He’s an addict!”

Takes one to know one, I guess.

I eventually get him loaded up and I meet him across the street at the casino parking garage where he always parks and he pops his trunk, which it rutns out is stuffed full of kids’ summer toys!

“Oh, I thought you had an outdoor pool,” he says, “but you don’t.”

He’s stayed with us dozens of times, but I didn’t see the point in mentioning that fact. Needless to say, the rest of the day paled by comparison, thankfully.


At last, The Day of Days has arrived for The Hook! I made my way to Toronto, braved the crowds assembled for a Blue Jays baseball game, Buskerfest, the CNE, AND the late Jack Layton‘s funeral, and joined my nerd brothers and sisters for Fan Expo Canada 2011!

I’ll file a full report as soon as my mind finishes processing everything I experienced. Just another 364 days until the next one!

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Comic Books, Hotel Employees, Hotel Life, Humor, Life, Postaweek2011, Social Commentary, Travel, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to Seven Days of Summer Fun!

  1. mairedubhtx says:

    You certainly deal with some bizarre people.

  2. If you are loading a tour bus, is each individual person responsible for a tip, or do you get one from the tour organizer? This tipping business fascinates me.

  3. Spectra says:

    Maybe there should be a “Speak Your Mind” week for all Hospitality Industry workers, when customers can be rude, ignorant and cheap at their own risk. Non-tippers would be the most abused. “Hey, a$$hole! Gimme Cash now or I’ll dispose of your luggage down the laundry shoot. I am in cahoots with Housekeeping. You will never see your crap again…I’m waiting!” (palm extended)

    And that guy who yelled at you for coming too quickly while he lingered in the shower? : “Dude, we have a camera on your shower and everybody in security knows what you were doing to yourself in there…next time you plan to molest yourself in the shower, call me after the Happy Finish.”

    Also, Wearing big Smiley Face Buttons on your Uniforms that say: “TIP me or DIE” would be most satisfying.

  4. Oh, the work we have to do to receive a tip. Oh, the crap we must deal with. Oh, the rude people … give em all a smack in the head. btw … I used to work at The Keg in NF, was there for three years. Maybe we crossed paths.

  5. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    I don’t mean to make light of another’s misery, but often when I read your entries, I find myself saying a prayer of thanks. I enjoy the comfort of working with folks whose individual expressions of bozo-ness are predictable, familiar, and–dare I say it?–comforting.

    I hope they feel the same about my quirky ways, most the time. 😀

  6. Jo Bryant says:

    Living in a country where tipping is not the norm, I found it bizarre when a Canadian friend (who waitressed) filled me in. Here tipping is only for service that is way above what you expect. But man – you deserve a payment the size of the lottery the crap you put up with. I agree with the slapping technique – HARD !!!!!!!!!!!!!
    And when I travel Canada – after the book becomes a best seller – i will tip my little heart out 🙂 LOL !!!!

  7. run4joy59 says:

    You had me laughing out loud…with you, not at you, of course. Ahh…if only people (the public) could see themselves as we see them…oh, who am I kidding? It probably wouldn’t change a thing…no one thinks what they’re doing is wrong, because, after all, the world DOES revolve around them!!

  8. HoaiPhai says:

    Wouldn’t it be great if the hotels’ staffs, unfettered by their employers, could post reviews of guests?

  9. And I thought my week sucked! 😦
    Hope you had fun at the Fan Expo, though!

  10. Haha, what happens when you get home? Does Mrs. Hook ask if you had a nice day, dear ? Why aren’t you in therapy ? I think you should be appearing on talk shows commenting on society in general. You’d be far more illuminating than Professor Dipstick, or whoever.

  11. jennygoth says:

    hi hook you really get some awful guests in the hotel is stiffed not giving you a tip then im dumb i know lol i think you should get a medal for keepin your cool id be slingin the bags at them lol xxjen

  12. Sandi Ormsby says:

    Well, I really enjoyed the “hey fuckers” comment. that always goes over nicely. He was showing how cool he was, working for a beer company…indicating life is always a party!

    I just love those that think they are so cool.

    Also, I’m sorry people are not tipping. I have to be honest, because I couldn’t always afford to tip (our last trip) and I had a lot of crap with the kids and dog…I just grabbed a cart myself and brought everything down and loaded my car…I’m sure those in your position just love that…but I felt badly and didn’t want to bother anyone and I couldn’t afford to shell out cash. I didn’t have any.

    Can’t wait to hear about Fan Expo, you’ve mentioned this awhile ago and I had commented about Comicon in San Diego. 🙂

    didn’t realize I wasn’t subsribed to your blog (gasp!) and saw your comment on another’s blog and noticed I wasn’t getting e-mail on your posts. I corrected that!

    Lake Forest, CA
    ** Monday’s weigh in- down 14lbs in 3 weeks! Wahoo!

  13. TBM says:

    Hi Hook. Are all your weeks like this? And are all of your guests cheap?

  14. Caroline says:

    Ugh, sorry you had a few bad days. You sure put up with a lot! But hey, at least the week ended on a good note with you getting to go to the Blue Jays game!

  15. Ipodman says:

    Wow, your life is filled with weird people :/

  16. jlheuer says:

    Seriously? The guy on Monday said that? Can’t wait to hear your report from Fan Expo.

  17. Wow, poor thing. Sounds like your week blew chunks. UFC style fight and gross PDA? So sorry, man.

  18. raisingdaisy says:

    I’ll bet you had such a great time Saturday that it wiped out all the frustrations of the week! 😉 Your experience on Wednesday exemplifies the saying “No good deed goes unpunished”. LOL

  19. sonsothunder says:

    Just dropped by to send you to the front on the Blogsurfer, and a twitter or two…I wont be posting again till well after midnight, eastern time, as most of my bloggers seem to be on the other side of the world for some reason. I will give you a heads up though…you’ll be the next recipient of my next post..award ..or some sort of thing.. I got a message saying..”You’ve Been Tagged” so, I suspect as now being hooked and tagged.. well, the least I can do is to pass the privileged around the bloggerhood… a little love. It looks a little interesting …and ask that you highlight.. I think it is 7 of your archives..check in tomorrow, or when you see the “You’ve Been Tagged” announcement …Have a good one till then.. it at least spreads a little exposure, and offers a rather easy Post …

  20. sonsothunder says:

    Okay, you don’t have a Twitter, but I facebooked it..I see the prompt sent to facebook includes the blog surfer badge… that’s interesting..

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