The French, Rabid Children, and Psychic Bellmen!


Another day off for The Hook! This is becoming a habit.


I approach a high-end rental truck and the doorman quickly pulls me aside to inform me of the fact I was about to serve what could be the mother-of-all jackasses, an old-school Frenchman directly from France itself!

OLD SCHOOL FRENCHMAN: You speak French? (It was more of a loud declaration than a question!)

THE HOOK: I’m afraid not, sir.

OSF: Why not?

THE HOOK: Living in Ontario, I’ve never found it’s been necessary. Besides I was raised by a German grandmother.

He immediately surrendered.


Another day, another Frenchman! What are the odds?

ANOTHER FRENCHMAN: (On the phone) I need help with the luggage..

THE HOOK: Do you need to call for your car, sir?

AF: A cart? Yes, I need a cart!

THE HOOK: (Finally surrendering!) Okay, I’ll be right up, sir.

Then, when I actually make it to the room and load the bags…

AF: Why don’t you speak French?

THE HOOK: I honestly don’t know anymore, sir…

And that’s just one incident! Can you imagine the rest of my day?


Picture this: morning check-outs are wrapping up nicely, and most of the goofballs are on their way back to the trailer parks, complexes and rehab facilities, when suddenly the lobby sounds like the Howler Monkey habitat at the Toronto Zoo! This one little guy managed to channel one of the Three Tenors and belt out a series of screams that could take down a charging rhino!

 I had to see if I could get the little guy to take a pause for the cause.

THE HOOK: (I started with the frazzled Mom) The little guy is feeling feisty this morning, right? 

FRAZZLED MOM: That’s one way of putting it! My husband and other kids expect me to deal with him, but as you can see, he’s a handful.

THE HOOK: Well, he’s not that bad. He’s just practising to be an extra in the next Planet of the Apes movie!

Fortunately, she started roaring herself.


Two sweet old ladies approach the bell desk and ask me to take their bags out to their car. Sounds pretty routine, right?

I head out, my long legs providing me with a healthy head start, when I come upon two older gentlemen..

OLD GUY #1: (Inspecting the cart carefully), Smartass! How did you know those are our bags?

THE HOOK: (Surprised. – for once!) What did you just call me, sir?

I mean, I am a smartass, but how did he know that?

At that point, before the situation could escalate, the wives caught up with the husbands and everyone got their business sorted out. I skillfully loaded their vehicle, pocketed my tip and successfully dodged a bullet.



So my day had barely begun when VampireLover calls and informs me of some wonderful news..

VL: So do you want to know what your dog did this morning?

THE HOOK: My dog? I don’t like the sound of that!

VL: Chelsea, our lovely shih tzu, ripped the cushions off the green chair in the living room and then ripped out all the lining and stuffing!

THE HOOK: Lovely. Thanks for making my morning, dear!

VL: You’re welcome!

And so my morning was off to a rip-roaring start!

I then found myself waiting for our guest elevators ( a quicker route in the morning, despite the hordes of travellers!), when a little. portly boy of Asian persuasion decided it might be fun to continually push my cart against one of the elevator doors! This continued for a few minutes, despite the fact I launched a series of stern looks his way.

Finally, the door opened but as I made my way in, my new friend kept pushing.

Enough was enough.

THE HOOK: (With one arm held out and a stern look) Easy there, Egg Roll!

At that point his mother chimed in..

EGG ROLL’S MOM:  (With thick accent) He no egg roll! (pause) He more like dumpling!

THE HOOK: How about Little Dumpling?

ERM: (Laughing hysterically!) That very good!

I’m lucky my customer service skills allow me to know just who I can needle and for how long!


Regular readers of this blog know this is the day when anything can, and often does, happen! You get all the leering dads and cranky, sexually frustrated housewives, ungrateful rambunctious kids, etc.

And I shouldn’t forget the groups of horny, high maintenance, twenty something females who drink entirely too much and think far too little!

Picture this: I’m standing at the door, waiting for one such group to finally finish bringing their cheap, imitation luggage to me, but every two seconds one of them hollers “Is that it, guys?” to the rest. She gets a loud  “YES!” back, but then someone brings another bag to the cart.

This goes on for ten full minutes (although it felt like thirty!), and then I get a “We’ll meet you downstairs in a couple of minutes.”

Let me tell you people, it’s ALWAYS more than couple of minutes.

Of course, we were getting swamped with calls by this time, so when two of the young ladies finally appeared, I struck like the mighty cobra.

THE HOOK: All set, ladies?

HIGH MAINTENANCE GIRL #1: We just want to have a smoke first. Besides, the car isn’t here.

THE HOOK: Are you sure?

HMG: (Turning around) Oh, there it is!

Yep, Sundays rock.

Well, that’s a wrap for another weekly recap of  The Hook’s life. I’m going to go scrub my brain now.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Hotel Employees, Hotel Life, Humor, Life, Postaweek2011, Social Commentary, Travel, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to The French, Rabid Children, and Psychic Bellmen!

  1. Woman says:

    Your ass is smart??? No way! How did it do on your exams?

    Well it sounds like your week was at least interesting!

  2. Lian says:

    How can you not speak French? Doesn’t every person in the whole wide world speak French? 😉

  3. mairedubhtx says:

    I’m laughing hysterically.

  4. Russ Ray says:

    I had to exercise serious restraint at work not to bust out laughing at the surrender comment. Well done!

  5. raisingdaisy says:

    I’ll never feel the same checking into or out of hotels again – I’ll think every bellman is just waiting for me to erupt into some kind of traveling lunatic! 😉

  6. Funny as always Hook 🙂

  7. bmj2k says:

    Jeez man, why don’t you speak French????

  8. 😆 @ Egg Roll!! That is hilarious. And remember. it’s always better to be a smartass than a dumbass. 😉

  9. HoaiPhai says:

    FYI, egg roll in French is “rouleau impérial” in case it ever comes up.

  10. jennygoth says:

    i think your a saint havin that job hook oversexed woman awful kids old grannies and ungrateful tourists no way id be sacked in a few minutes lol how do you keep your cool? id have one of those tazar guns and zapp em xxjen have a good weekend

  11. penpusherpen says:

    Fantastic Read, do you ever wonder Hook, …. why am I here?… and why are the French soo….um… well you get the gist right? and what did I do in a previous life that was so, so bad? Never mind, maybe it’s just me then. 😀 … I smiled all the way through, BUT all it took was the breed of YOUR dog.. to get me laughing out loud…I think it’s the way my brains wired… xPenx

  12. TBM says:

    LOL…You have some funny experiences at work. I don’t know if I could handle that environment!

  13. Don’t ever move to Quebec.

  14. Caroline says:

    Thanks for making these last few hours of work seem much more manageable. I needed a good laugh. Sorry you had to deal with all those crazy people for my entertainment though! Speaking of French, I just met some French guys this weekend…thankfully one of them spoke a bit of English. I still had trouble understanding though, of course. It’s just not as practical to speak French here than it is to speak Spanish though.

  15. renxkyoko says:

    Ahaha ! I love the eggroll thing ! Good thing the mom was good -natured !

    Ah, and the French ! Maybe he thought Canada’s language was French ? In France, they wouldn’t speak to you in English even if they knew how.

    I wonder, Mr. Hook, I’m just curious, how much is a regular tip ? I want to be proper, just in case.

  16. mizqui says:

    “Easy there egg roll”. LOL! Your daily grind is a gas. I’m glad you share these hillarious snippets with us. I’m definitely a fan – of your weekly recaps.

  17. brittany220 says:

    Sounds like another action-packed week for the Hook! That is funny how both of those guys were being rude about not knowing French. Maybe they knew each other, lol.

  18. Jo Bryant says:

    Now how on earth could anyone guess you are a smartass…hehehe

  19. giselzitrone says:

    Best regards und schönes wwkend Gruss Gislinde

  20. LOL….Is it bad that I laughed the hardest about your wife calling you to tell you what YOUR dog did? Why do I get the feeling that it’s HER dog when it’s behaving well? 😉

  21. Pingback: Spincredible Scribbles™ – I’m Post Pimping « Spinny Liberal

  22. Jeanne Heuer says:

    Almost missed this post! Another great week for you and your adoring fans.

  23. Pingback: My Psychic Advice

  24. But he no eggroll though? You are a nut lmbo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s