Foreplay is overrated at times (sorry, ladies) so let ‘s get right to it, shall we?
PURCHASE A SUITCASE, YOU CHEAP BUGGER!
A laundry basket is for laundry, a garbage bag is for garbage and a hockey bag is for..you get the idea. If you buy an actual suitcase you’ll feel, and look, like an actual traveler and not a refugee from the trailer park. And realistically, you’ll be better served by the proper traveling hardware rather than a white-trash substitute.
BUY A GPS, YOU CLUELESS BASTARD!
If you’re traveling by car with your family, you’re in for a thrill ride – especially if you have young children. Personally, I’d rather read a Batman comic than a map so it’s really no surprise I turned a two-hour trip into a four-hour ordeal that ended with my wife asking me to pull over – not for directions, but so she could find the closest divorce lawyer! So do everyone a favour and buy a GPS and maybe a portable DVD player for the rugrats.
Believe me, you want to be fresh and calm for what lies ahead.
PICK A DECENT HOTEL AND BEHAVE ACCORDINGLY.
Most people can’t afford more than one major excursion a year unless they go cheap and squeeze their family into a crummy motel run by the cast of Deliverance. So if you’re like most people and you’re hitting a decent establishment with your family, then act and dress decently. Break out the best clothes, and threaten the kids’ lives if you have to, but you don’t want to look like a complete failure as a husband and father if you’re fighting with your spouse while checking-in and your kids are running around like Jack Russell Terriers on Red Bull!
And if your clan includes a teenager or two, be prepared to tighten the noose..er, reins, yeah, I mean reins. Young men need to keep the ball caps facing front and the young ladies need to be told not to dress like they’re attending a job fair hosted by Charlie Sheen!
FOR GOD’S SAKE, BE PREPARED TO TIP, YOU DOUCHE!
The modern traveler seems to think the high cost of traveling should stand in the way of treating people with respect. If you can afford to leave your home on vacation and stop at Lululemon, Coach and the like, then you can afford to tip. If you can afford to stop for Grey Goose while you’re traveling, you can afford to tip.
Here’s the real deal on tipping folks – if you can afford all of the creature comforts you expect some unlucky bellman to haul for you, then you can afford to pay the poor bastard. And don’t kid yourself by thinking “The kids need to learn responsibility and carry their own stuff.” What about the wife? What lesson are you teaching her by making her carry her own crap through the lobby of a hotel?
DON’T USE STROLLERS, WHEELCHAIRS, OR YOUR FAMILY TO CARRY YOUR BELONGINGS – GET A BELLMAN, YOU CHEAP JERK!
This one is pretty self-explanatory, right?
Trust me, bellmen are worth the price of admission, as they say. We’re real, spectacular, and we can get you anything you need. (Honestly, whatever the need, we know a guy.)
This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to The Hook’s Travel Tips but attempting to absorb too much knowledge in one sitting can be hazardous to one’s health, so I’ll leave you with this final bit of wisdom – the term “Family Vacation” is truly an oxymoron but only because people don’t stop to think about the emotional scars a poorly planned trip can leave.
To all the dads out there – if you’re not careful, your trip will go down in flames and not only will your kids label you a complete douchebag, your wife will probably end up having a one-night stand with a bartender (Seriously, I’ve seen it happen!) and you’ll be wandering the streets in search of a shotgun to fellate.
See you in the lobby, kids…