Dear Universe, About These Douchebags You’ve Been Sending My Way…

To begin, I want to acknowledge that I accept the fact that there is a certain hierarchy to how the Universe functions; the Big Guy is too busy to meddle in the affairs of a  little speck like The Hook, so he designates an underling to handle how my life unravels. I guess I should have said “unfolds” but you get the picture. 

I don’t know who my case worker is, maybe it’s Mistress Fate or those three old chicks who weave the tapestry of all our lives, but whoever it is, they really suck at times. They say everyone has to deal with a little rain in their lives, but most of the time I’m in a flood of insanity on a leaky version of the S.S. Minnow captained by a rotating succession of douchebags whose  sole mission in life is to strand me on the island from LOST!

I’m betting I won’t have as much fun as those people did though. 

Everywhere I go, douchebags are waiting for me – the cashier at Wal-mart who whines when I reject an offer for a MasterCard, denying her a commission for every moron she cons or the social worker who came to my house after my daughter was born to counsel my wife on childcare only to break down in tears over her inability to have her own spawn!

pgwliwpLife loves me…

 And then there’s work.

I’m pretty sure my place of business was built on an ancient douchebag burial ground. There is just no other rational explanation for the sheer volume of douchebags who pick The Hook’s exact location at which to infest with their little rugrats and coolers, laundry baskets and boxed wine.

Don’t get me wrong, Universe, I have a great life compared to most, but everyone has their limits. If you really want to screw with someone, try that little teen idol with the lesbian haircut. Or what about Britney Spears? You haven’t messed with her in a while.

Just go easy on The Hook, please? I’m getting older and balder by the second.

Thanks for listening, Universe.

 Until next time, this is The Hook imploring you, please don’t be a douchebag – I can’t take much more.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
This entry was posted in Life, Postaweek2011, Social Commentary, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to Dear Universe, About These Douchebags You’ve Been Sending My Way…

  1. melsar93 says:

    I’m pretty sure my place of business was built on an ancient douchebag burial ground.

    That is pure gold.

  2. humanitarikim says:

    Some days I have less tolerance for douchebaggery (usually referred to by myself as asshattery) than others.

  3. Tim Rueb says:

    That’s an interesting photo you have of the Wisconsin Teacher’s Union protesters outside the Madison capital building. 8)

    (sorry I couldn’t resist)

  4. Do you have some sort of Douchebag score sheet? Then you could award some sort of “Douchebag of the Week” award. 🙂 I notice that Douchebag is pretty prominent in your Tags, Mr. Hook. You could maybe write a book “Douchebags I have known and loathed”. Funny again, Mr. Hook. Nice one . 🙂

  5. inidna says:

    Ha, this was thoroughly entertaining although I am sorry that it was at the expense of your experience with Douchebags. But I will say that I do agree with you, there is too much douchebaggery out there–universe seriously needs to cut out with it! There are days/weeks that I very much feel your pain Mr. Hook.

  6. penpusherpen says:

    balder?.. have you seen the new adverts for ‘hair regain’ ? I think the Universe is listening!! and may your niggling douchebaggery (? sounds mighty rude that word) soon be a thing of the past…(‘cos I bet the Universe has taken note now amended your contract!!) xPenx

  7. dtrasler says:

    I have to agree with the need for a resdistribution of the douchebaggery quotient. I could deal with a certian lesbian-haircutted teen picking up more misery instead of adulation. The only other thing I want this week is twenty more views to push this month’s total over last month’s. Maybe I need to aim higher in life, what do you reckon?

  8. humanitarikim says:

    He exceeded it. 🙂

  9. countoncross says:

    So funny! -Love your site…..Thank you

  10. Aaron Babcock says:

    Unfortunately its also douchebags who breed most frequently. This is why we don’t have a cure for cancer yet. On the bright side, we traded that for the dude who invented Four Lokos. That is the bright side…right?

  11. laavventura says:

    Dear Universe,
    Can you please kick the town folk in the head who continue to poke and prod at my belly wondering where the child is. Seriously!! I don’t need ‘lessons’ on how-to-do-it from a pensioner. Small town mentality.

  12. Seesh, I hope you don’t see me as some sort of Greek Blonde douchebag! I’k not, really I’m not!



  13. ha… theres a douchebag who works in the garage near our work who tuts if you dont have the right notes, got forbid you might give her a twenty! great post

  14. brittany220 says:

    Haha I hope you get a break from all the douchebags!

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