If Only All Of Life’s Problems Could Be Solved With A Crowbar.

That Ahab dude had his white whale. Batman has the Joker. Ned Hickson has his shoelaces – and that wooden lion. And me, gentle readers?

I had several pieces of rotten lumber on my garage.

Until today, that is.

It took over two months of healing but I’m back to my old self – almost. My spirit is still fractured, but my leg is good for a few hours of activity. Today’s daily allotment of movement was focused on tackling my personal nemesis. And so I rose from my disjointed slumber (the lunatics were free of the asylum on my street last evening; the wife and I were awake for most of the night for all the wrong reasons), and headed out to the garage for Round Two.

Crowbar in hand – and sawhorses nowhere in sight – I attacked from below. Debris rained down upon me, clouding my vision and covering my shaking form but I remained steadfast in my resolve. In the end, the boards slowly moved forward…

Until at last…

They broke free and fell to the earth below!

My entire summer was shot to Hell, my love life was devastated, I was unable to provide for my family, late-night visits to the bathroom became major operations, Fan Expo is currently raging on without me (dammit), but when all is said and done… I won.

When you’re a loser like me, you have to take pleasure in the little things, gang. And trust me, I’m a world-class loser these days; there are currently reality shows based on every occupation under the sun (sand castle designers?), but no one will give the world’s boldest bellman a shot. I can’t seem to finish my second book. Hell, I can’t seem to do much of anything these days.

But I’m still swinging and I always will. The truth of the matter is, venting is the only therapy I can afford and I always seem to feel better afterwards.

Enjoy what remains of the day, my friends. The weekend awaits, storm it with all your might. I’ll be on the porch struggling to validate my existence. But for today, I’m a winner at last.

 

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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23 Responses to If Only All Of Life’s Problems Could Be Solved With A Crowbar.

  1. I’m glad to hear that you’re slowly recuperating. Don’t be so down on yourself, mate, you’ll be your old self soon enough. I’d watch a show about a bellman. Jesus Christ, the shit that happens in a hotel is ready made for entertaining viewing. Now get to work on that book. If Ned can do it than surely nearly every body else in the world can, right?

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    In my mind, the real winners in life are those who make the most — and somehow pull the best — out of a bad situation. Success is what you make of it, not what it makes out of you. Given that you have a family that loves you, a celebrated talent for writing, and occupation that provides food and fodder, and bruised but healing spirit, I’d say you’re one of the biggest wieners I know.

    Ooops.. I meant WINNER!

    Besides, at least you can say you’ve never been sucker-punched by a wooden lion.

    • The Hook says:

      True.
      I know I’m being a self-pitying jackass, Ned. I just can’t help myself, I’m tired of failing at everything I’ve set my sights on the last few years. I can’t even afford to buy a few comics right now.

      Rob Ford is a drunken, morbidly obese jackass and he’s running an entire city. The Kardashians barely qualify as mammals and they’re rich and famous. I just want a tiny little piece of the pie (cue The Jeffersons theme song), but that appears to be beyond my grasp.

      But I have great friends and that counts for EVERYTHING.

      • Ned's Blog says:

        Rob Ford has no real friends. And even dolphins won’t go near the Kardashians. The fact that so many people care about you even when you think you’re being a jackass says more about you than a slice of pie. Which, in your case, would be banana nut.

  3. Austin says:

    Congrats! As Charlie Sheen would say: “WINNING!!!”

  4. Well, if you are persistent in calling yourself a loser (which as I said before you are not!!) at least you are a loser with Fans. Which really actually put you in the same category as the Kardashians… Except with a smaller ass. :-P

  5. You always were a winner, but sometimes our vision gets blocked! ;-)

  6. Ah Hook… the joy of eliminating a nemesis. It’s a wonderful thing. So glad you were out there today destroying shit.

  7. Stop that negative talk. I don’t like it and it doesn’t help anyway. Go bang some more walls if you want but stop. Please. <3 No-one should be that hard on himself. No-one. Now go have a nice BBQ or something this Labour Day weekend. ~(~_*)~~

  8. Kevin says:

    Hook’s problem (well, he does have a lot of them) is that he reads my blog too much and it has affected him. Sorry, Hook but it is time to get off the pity pot and come to my house to paint it! Err, maybe that isn’t exactly what you need but it would help me! Anyway, keep moving forward. I always enjoy your work!

  9. List of X says:

    I can’t believe there isn’t a reality show about bellmen. I mean, your whole blog reads like a script for reality show (come on, we all know that “reality” shows have scripts).

  10. girlseule says:

    I’m glad to hear you are on the mend! With all your material you should write a fake reality show about a bellman, kind of ‘The Office’ style.

  11. You are by no means a loser! I’m so glad you’re writing again and you’re healing – even if it s too slow for you :)

  12. Paul says:

    Glad you’re back to walking Hook. Won’t be long now before you’re back to work.

  13. jlheuer says:

    Once that rotten lumber was on the ground did you continue to beat on it with the crowbar? I might have. I’m reading Stephen King right now and if this was his experience he’d being seeing demons and evil in that garage. Maybe the seeds of a different book will come out of your summer.

  14. shimoniac says:

    “This thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down but the staying down.” Mary Pickford. You have fallen down, but have apparently refused to stay down, so… Stop being so hard on yourself Hook; that’s the job of the ladies in your life, i.e. VampireLover, and your female spawn, known as “Sarah”.

  15. Vent if you must but you’d better knock off that “I’m a loser” shit because it’s going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t ask me how I know.

  16. You are a superhero in my books Hook xoxo

  17. You already know my thoughts about my friend, and it’s nice that you remembered your own friends. I’m not giving up on the idea that your day is coming. When you are better, really better, we’ll figure something out. Physical healing really does suck out way too much out of a system. It’s nearly impossible to create with those circumstances, so don’t be unnecessarily hard on yourself. Let us do that. :p

  18. You will always be a winner in my eyes.

  19. Bob Lee says:

    Hey Hook — WTF? The Hook IS the superhero! The only reason why those others (barely mammals – lol) have made it is because of they knew somebody or someone introduced them into their circle and then it happened. I agree – cut the loser shit. I think we all go through that bullshit in our heads. It’s all in the circle of people – not the quality of … grab it and beat the shit out of it with that crow bar and your loyal followers are behind you.

  20. Marian Green says:

    Dear wonderful man who has had a miserable summer. I’m SO glad there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. It’s been a long hot summer. And not in a good way for one of my very favorites. Great big healing hugs. We need you around here.
    xoxox

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