Wake Up, Boy! There’s A Dead Raccoon In The Driveway!

Certain bloggers wake up to morning sex.

Me?

I wake up to VampireLover alerting me to a vehicular homicide that ended with the furry, four-legged, victim at the end of my property. There are seven driveways on my street, but where did the little bandit choose to expire?

You guessed it.

I actually miss the hotel and all the guest who spit on me – metaphorically and literally.

Getting back to the wonderfully twisted horror/humor that visits my life occasionally, whenever an animal dies on our street – squirrels, birds, raccoons, drunks – it decides my driveway is a nice place to greet the Grim Reaper. So anyhoo, there I was, standing in my driveway at 9:30 in the morning – in my pajamas. (Don’t get too excited ladies, I have manly legs, but they lead to a slight gut and a hairline that has gone the way of disco – and Steve Guttenberg’s career.)

My vampire-worshipping-love stayed on the front porch and did her best to contact animal services to take charge of the grim scene, but they weren’t open yet, so it fell to me to scoop up the corpse with a shovel… slowly, of course. I don’t do death very well. Especially furry death.

“Hurry up, Skippy! Just pick it up and get it out of there! There are kids and dogs around!

I love my wife, but it’s tough to accept that, of the two of us, she’s the tough-as-nails one.

And did I mention the foot-long, Yellow Gold Macaw that moved into one of the properties across from my home two weeks ago? And did I mention it’s room faces the street? It decided to serenade me – and Chelsea, who couldn’t stop barking – as I worked.

“STOP!!!  STOP!!!”

His protests were followed by several bouts of squawking, naturally. That doesn’t get old – NOT! At any rate, the Humane Society arrived five hours later and the female worker bagged up the critter in two seconds flat, thus totally emasculating me. I have to admit, considering the near-perfect state of the dead bandit (except, you know, for the fact it was dead), I considered shipping it off to The Bloggess for stuffing.

You can laugh or roll your eyes, but she’s received stranger gifts from fans, trust me.

ONE MORE THING:  There are a disturbingly-high number of images of dead raccoons available on Google. What’s wrong with people? Personally, I blame Ned Hickson’s influence.

So anyway, that was my Sunday morning. How was yours?

Rest in peace, you furry nutjob.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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25 Responses to Wake Up, Boy! There’s A Dead Raccoon In The Driveway!

  1. Lucky Wreck says:

    ACK!! I wish I was as tough as your wife. I probably would have passed out! But, Yay to you both, for keeping the kids and dogs in the neighborhood safe.

    Happy to see you, again! :)

  2. Paul says:

    Awww, poor “furry nutjob”. It’s a tribute to you Hook that God’s creatures drag themselves to the sanctuary of your property before moving on. A compliment from nature, for sure. :D Raccoons are pretty nimble and smart, I am surprised that one got killed on a residential street. I’ve seen them stop and wait to let traffic go before crossing. And the bird across the street is a hoot! Imagine yelling “Stop, Stop” when you tried to remoe the raccoon. Ha! Like he was trying to stop you from desicrating the resting place. Ha! Sounds like a guard bird. I bet you feel safer now! Ha!

  3. Oh you big sensitive sook! You are just showing your more sensitive side :-) Good to see you back on blogosphere!

  4. Littlesundog says:

    I am usually the grave digger around here… but sometimes FD hauls the body off to the country. We never leave a critter carcass laying around lest it lure predators and scavengers to the area. Most of the time it’s best for us to haul the body out to the country – burying isn’t always effective as coyotes and foxes often dig them up, even if it’s a deep grave. Lucky for you the Humane Society picks them up. Here, no one picks up wild animals… most folks just haul them off themselves.

    Glad to see you writing again… :)

  5. Um…

    Yes, I definitely had the better Saturday morning of the two of us :)

  6. Oh Robert! I’m so sorry you started your Sunday out on such a bad note! :-( BUT…I’M SO GLAD YOU ARE WRITING ABOUT IT!!!! YAH!!!!!!!
    Dead raccoons or squirrels or armadillos or deer or skunks or (the list can be long in Texas)…don’t bother me. But if I see a dog or a kitty it makes me sad because chances are good that it was a pet. Although people who do not take care of their animals should not own them…grrr! *steps up on soapbox, then steps back down* sigh…I won’t get started about THAT! But so glad you are writing again! And glad you can “stand” at the foot of your driveway! YAH!
    When do you go back to work??? I’m so glad you wrote us a post today! YAH! (wait, did I say that already?) *giggle* ;-)

  7. Chatty Owl says:

    Dead racoons are not that bad. Imagine whats gonna happen when that neighbour from three doors down is going to meet the grim reaper on your porch…

  8. You’re approaching this problem from the wrong angle. You can’t stop the onslaught so you might consider taking advantage. To wit:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roadkill_cuisine

  9. mergellus says:

    I’m sitting here thinking of those those old and sick creatures that are, right now, heading towards your drive!

  10. You are very brave, my friend. I don’t do death well either but this I doubt I’d bring my self to do! RIP little fella.
    I suppose there is a ‘bright’ side… they find ‘comfort’ near you!

  11. At one point, an entire family of raccoons were living in our neighbour’s garage, and Penny and I used to love watching them play on the garage roof. Beautiful creatures, too bad you mainly see them dead on the road.

  12. Ick. At least you didn’t lose your breakfast on top of everything. Nice of the little woman to support your efforts. Yay. What would have happened if you were still on crutches? Well done!

  13. Bob Lee says:

    And here I thought I was the only one that had this type of luck. Oh Hook …

  14. Having scooped up a long dead cat from my nature strip (it was ours, which made it worse) I can’t say your ordeal sounds that bad, Hook. A spade and a plastic bag (or hole) – that just about does it, doesn’t it? Raccoons, btw, have such sharp little teeth! We don’t have them. We have possums. Unbelievably cute.

  15. Glad to see you on the little screen again! I’d be having a hard time with the scooping of the remains as well. As I was reading this I remember a really bad movie about a guy who scooped up dead animals for a living. It was really bad. Be grateful you only had one to deal with.

  16. jlheuer says:

    Well at least it died when you were on your feet. Just imagine scooting out there on your butt with a shovel in tow.

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