Superhero Progenitors, My Wife, And My Non-Mutant Healing Factor.

I’ve spent this summer feeling like a total dumbass and so that’s the subject for today, kiddies.

According to Dr. Phil perception is reality.

(Don’t judge me.)

In other words, if you believe you’re a total dumbass, then that’s who the world will see every day. However, if you accept the fact that your life will be a series of average days punctuated by moments of complete dumbassery on an epic scale.. well, then kid… you’ve got a shot at making it out alive. (Then again, no one actually makes it out of life alive, do they?)

Bruce Wayne’s father told him that the only reason we fall is so we can learn to pick ourselves up. He was a wise man.

Of course, a truly wise man would have known enough to hail a cab from the front of a theater located in one of the world’s most violent cities instead of taking his family down a back alley, especially since his wife’s pearls were on full display. But this decision perfectly illustrates my point; Everyone, even filthy-rich Gothamite doctors carry the dumbass gene.

Come to think of it, many of your most popular super heroes were raised by dumbasses.

Thomas Wayne was a medical professional who was certain human flesh – if it contained enough blue blood – was strong enough to withstand the force of a street thug’s firearm.

 

 

Uncle Ben apparently studied the same medical journals.

Jor-El had the foresight to predict and plan for Krypton’s destruction by building a rocket – that was only big enough for his infant son. Not that his wife, Lara, was any better; what kind of mother lets her husband shove their offspring into an unmanned rocket bound for an alien planet they’ve barely studied?

 Speaking of comic book matriarchs, Queen Hippolyta raised her daughter on an island of lesbian Amazons (or if you prefer, Amazonian lesbians), before sending her off to “Man’s World” without arming her with the most basic understanding of male/female relationships. (By the way, you know I’m right about the Amazons, right? An island of healthy, gorgeous female warriors, living their daily lives without a penis in sight? You do the sapphic math.)

Wolverine’s “dad” failed to notice his son’s uncanny resemblance to their drunken groundskeeper.

Thor’s literal Godfather, Odin, had to rip out one of his eyes for wisdom. He was then struck by the revelation that two eyes are better than one.

Now that I’ve really had time to think about it, I feel much better about my current situation.

After all, if a blue-blooded socialite, an alien scientist and an Asgardian god are capable of such acts of dumbassery, what chance did a mere mortal like myself possibly have?

Take it from me, the longer you live, the more you’re going to screw up.

So frackin’ what?

Failure challenges us. It tests us. I was a stubborn fool who was so hell-bent on impressing my wife for once that I ignored her wishes (irony sucks), common sense, my body’s limitations and the laws of gravity. I’ll be paying for my mistake for the rest of my life.

Again, so frackin’ what?

There’s a silver (okay, plastic), lining to this whole ghastly affair; my wife now knows exactly how much of time she can spend with me before reaching her threshold. We recently discussed the subject:

JACKIE:  How much of you can I take? Not much, Butthead. If I have to spend another summer with you…

ME:  You’ll break my other leg?

JACKIE:  Yeah, right. Think higher, Butt Boy. Never forget, you’re worth more to me dead than alive. Way more.

Love is indeed grand, kiddies. “Grand” in terms of scale, that is. When you’re in love, you think big, you act big, and yes, you crash big. In my case, real big. Like, Kim Kardashian’s ass big.

So endeth the lesson, kids.

MEDICAL UPDATE:

My body has healed well and my leg can now tolerate 25% of my weight – apparently. The truth is, I am reluctant to put my left leg down after six weeks of immobility. But I’ve been taking baby steps and according to my doctor, I can dispense with the crutches within 6 – 10 days.

However, it should be another month before The Hook is wandering the hotel’s halls once more. The Summer of 2014 will be Hookless, but one fact is immutable: There’s always another summer.

See you in the lobby, kids – in thirty days, give or take.

 

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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24 Responses to Superhero Progenitors, My Wife, And My Non-Mutant Healing Factor.

  1. it’s so nice to have you partially back my friend :)

  2. tammyarlidge says:

    Aw Hook. Glad you’re doing a bit better. Hang in there as you are. Enjoy all of your posts immensely!

  3. Life’s lessons. Sigh.
    Glad you’re coming to the beginning of the end. Somehow that sounds wrong. :-D You know what I mean. You’re on the mend!

  4. Jennie Saia says:

    I apparently had my head in the sand and missed the entire saga! Hookie! I’m so sorry you’re going this this madness. :(

    ..is it any consolation whatsoever that injuring yourself while trying to impress your wife of many years is incredibly endearing?

  5. So now you are comparing yourself to a super hero??? You MUST be feeling better my friend! Get up off your arse soon already!! We miss you!! ;-)

  6. Veronica says:

    Can dumbassery ever be just a little fun..? And the man and I often have conversations like that too.

  7. oceanswater says:

    Ya just can’t keep a good man down… happy hearing sir!

  8. Am I the only one who wondered how all those Amazons created babies with no men around? Was it kind of like Jurrasic Park where they start to generate parts to create life?

  9. Judge you? Who? Us!? Never.

    That’s an astonishing revelation. I knew all those stories you mention, but I never strung them together to find the common thread the way you just did. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

    They’re holding your yob for you, right? If not, we’ll all descend on that place like angry villagers with pitchforks.

  10. Getting there then

  11. Yay! The Hook is emerging and that makes me happy, happy, happy!

  12. I never thought about this dumbass superhero parent theory before, but gosh darn it you’re right!

    I’m glad you’re 1/4 mobile again! Take care!

  13. Cameron says:

    I love the dumbass superhero parent theory. Is it weird that the backstories are always more interesting to me than the actual superhero adventures? I do love me a creation myth…

  14. mergellus says:

    Good to know you are getting more mobile at last. I’ll bet you’ll really miss those bathroom trips on your butt thought ;)

  15. bethteliho says:

    Well, if you can write a brilliantly hilarious post like this….you’re on your way back, my dear!!! xo

  16. charlypriest says:

    I got a saying, fake it till you make it. Does work on occasions.

  17. Paul says:

    Ho Ho, The Hook Is Back! So glad you’re healing well my friend. If you’re “quasi – back” will that make you a quasimodo when you’re completely healed?

  18. B says:

    I’m pretty sure the lobby isn’t the same without you!!

  19. I’m glad you are on the mend, Hook. In the mean time, I suspect I am not the only one feeling better about myself now that you have pointed out how easy it is for all of the above to be dumb asses. Thanks.

  20. Oh so good to hear Hook! Missed your posts! I am sure you are driving the missus crazy at home and she can’t wait for you to get better!! :-D. I totally understand…. When my hubby came home from working overseas for two years, I was ready to put him on the next plane by the end of his first month at home!!!

  21. jlheuer says:

    A hook, a crutch (imagine a pegleg)…all you need is an eye patch and you can be a pirate.

  22. Good news…(really like that pirate comment by jlheuer….Pirate. Definitely a possibility worth considering)

  23. It’s so wonderful to see you’re back in the game (of blogging anyway), and that you will very soon be back in the lobby! You have a shiny new perspective with which to doll out your wit and humor and I can’t wait for more! XOXO

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