There’s been a change of plans, kids.
Your response to my “Ask Me Anything” post has been tremendous and since I have a 5×5 post featuring another blogger scheduled for Monday, I’ve decided to
unleash release Part One of my answers now.
Yes, Part One; you’ve taken this challenge to heart and now I’m a busy boy! So without further adieu, let’s get started shall we?
1) Mike Allegra asks: What movie title best represents your life?
As a bellman, Four Rooms, of course! As a “civilian”? Well, my wife’s answer would most likely be The Jerk. As for me, I’m really not sure. I’d have to say that Four Rooms is the most accurate answer, as my actions as a bellman are the most truthful representation of my character. I try to be honest to a fault, I take my work seriously but not too seriously, and I am a weirdness magnet on an epic scale and always have been.
2) Jaklumen wants to know: When will you interview more dudes?
Well, the truth of the matter is, there are many more female bloggers out there and they smell nicer than those of us with mustaches and penises, buddy. But I’ll do my best to head over to your neck of the woods and fire some questions at ya, but I’ve been preoccupied with side projects right now. But I’ll be there sooner or later, I promise!
3) Djmatticus has taken full advantage of this opportunity to question yours truly…
3.1) How many times has Ellen (or one of her people) told you to back off?
Never! I’ve never heard from Ellen or her people and that fact will haunt my forever.
3.2) How large is your comic book collection?
Not large enough! Seriously though, at last count, I had over three thousand comics but I’ve had to scale back my collecting for purely economic reasons.
3.3) Who is your favorite villain, and why?
This is a tough one but I’d have to say Doctor Doom. He doesn’t actually consider himself a villain and he’ll actually do the right thing in certain circumstances. His sense of honor is certainly twisted but at least it exists. Plus, he has armor and a green cape. Green capes are cool.
3.4) What is the average airspeed velocity of unladen European Swallow?
Now you’re just screwing with me, man. But the average cruising airspeed velocity of an unladen European Swallow is roughly 11 meters per second, or 24 miles an hour. So there.
4) Pensitivity 101 is all about the weird: What is the most bizarre thing you have come across in your career?
As a weirdness magnet I’ve had many a strange encounter in my seventeen-plus years as a “professional” bellman, but I’d have to say that a group of four young practicing Wiccans tops the list. They checked in at the first hotel I cut my hospitality teeth at; it was one of those hybrid resorts that mix the outdoor access of a motel with the indoor convenience of a hotel. My Wiccans specifically took an outdoor access room in the corner of the property, the better to conduct their “spells”, I guess.
Unfortunately for them, this bunch of wannabe spell-casters had their ideologies mixed; they had me unload their vintage VW mini-bus and I discovered elements of traditional sorcery (leather bound spell books in Gaelic), and voodoo (a live chicken). After depositing their wares around the room I attempted to take my meager tip (this property didn’t yield much in the way of gratuities, unfortunately), and return to my Muggle lifestyle but as I would later discover in my professional career, Mistress Fate has always had her eye on me…
As it happened, the Wiccans were also fans of Four Rooms and as it also turns out, they had decided to recreate the events of the film in which a coven of witches attempts to create a potion to reverse a spell cast on their goddess 40 years ago. In order to create the potion, each witch must place an ingredient into a large cauldron in a ritual. The most startling ingredient? Semen. If you’ve seen the film you know where this is going, right?
However, if you haven’t, I’ll cut right to the chase: When it became clear I wasn’t willing to be seduced they offered me money for my DNA - which I accepted. Now to be clear, at that time I was a younger man with a young daughter and wife to support… and we were all living in my mother-in-law’s home. So I definitely had good intentions.
And I was clever enough to negotiate a few conditions: 1) I would “procure” said ingredient in a place of my choosing and deliver it soon after while it was still fresh, 2) I would deny all knowledge of said transaction if management was to become aware of my extra-curricular activity.
Long, bizarre story short, I returned to the room after twenty minutes with the real-life “Missing Ingredient” (thank God maintenance men will literally do anything for ten bucks), I took the Wiccans at their room that they would remain discreet about our deal (fortunately for me, this was before the advent of blogs and Facebook), and most importantly, I got paid.
As for their spell, the Wiccans could have been successful for all I know; they blew the antiquated breakers in their room and other guests reported strange loud noises, smells and smoke emanating from the room….
I should have realized then that as long as wore a bellman’s uniform, my life would never be the same but you rarely recognize these moments, I suppose.
5) Biology and self-discovery are at the center of Courtney Wright’s question: How old were you when you discovered you were a uhm…”boy”? ha ha!
Nice. To be honest, Courtney, I cannot recall the exact moment I realized I was of the male persuasion, but I do know I was quite happy with my discovery.
5.1) You ARE a boy…right?? (he he)
Even nicer. Yes, Courtney, I am indeed a boy. In fact, that’s one of my wife’s pet names for me. That, and dumbass.
5.2) Wait…that’s 2 questions! Is that ok? Uh..oh.. that’s 3!
That’s it, Courtney… I’m going to have to cut you off. You’re getting too darn giddy.
6) Navigator1965 is interested in the really deep questions: What is the creepiest thing that’s been left behind in a hotel room by a guest?
Does a pile of bloody towels count? (Three checked in. Two checked out.)
6.1) Should I bribe you into reading my new book with wine, beer, gin, whiskey, or vodka?
Neither! I don’t drink, I’m afraid. I’m something of an oddity in the hospitality industry in that I don’t have any vices outside of viewing the occasional adult film. But I’m happy to read your book anyway, my friend. And you should too, my friends. Click HERE.
7) The Hobbler is interest in examining geography and marriage: Which country has the craziest people coming to your hotel?
No single country has cornered the market on crazy, I’m afraid. As Paul once sung: “There is good and bad in everyone…“
7.1) How do you and VampireLover not get jealous/insecure/whatever with her loving vampires, and you hanging out with hookers all day?
We’ve been together over twenty years, Hobbler. We pretty much beat the jealousy out of each other years ago. Besides, she knows I have no money for hookers.
8) Professional cutie pie and blogger extraordinaire, Jennie Saia is yearning for a Hollywood version of this blog: Who would play you in the movie of your life?
Let’s see… how about Van Wilder himself, Ryan Reynolds? Or maybe Scott Speedman? Or even Anthony Michael Hall? He could use a hit.
9) My buddy Sean Smithson wants to know: Were you ever/are you still a fan of WWF / WWE? If so, who was/is your favorite wrestler?
Like most guys my age I grew up watching wrasslers like Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper, Sean, and let me tell you, those guys haven’t lost a trick when it comes to entertaining a crowd. Piper was in Niagara last year for a fundraiser and he still has it, in spades. The man knows how to get a crowd moving – even when he’s in a hotel lobby.
10) The ridiculously talented TJ Lubrano knows me all too well: If you could be a superhero, who would you be? You can invent your own one of course, complete with your own set of powers. What would your outfit be like? (Colors? Cape? Mask?)
I’m not a very physically aggressive person so Superman is definitely out, TJ. And I hate heights so Spidey is also off the list. batman is beyond cool but I think I’d go with a sorcerer like Dr. Fate or Dr. Strange.
As for my own creation, I’m not as visually creative as you, my friend, but perhaps a helmeted, capeless hero named Haven with super speed, a healing factor and super strength? And why not a limited amount of magic for good measure? As for colors, what about green and black? And that’s all I have, I’m afraid.
And that wraps up this first installment of 5×5 With Me, kids. I appreciate your enthusiasm and your support/friendship. I’ll do my best to get Part Two out soon, but all this introspection really wipers me out, so no promises.
As always, see you in the lobby, folks…