It’s Freaky Friday… Hook Style.

It’s Friday, I’m in a weird mood and I don’t really feel like writing about the hotel, but I just can’t help myself…

For example, here’s what happened when I encountered a middle-aged harpy whose brain was as decayed as her ovaries.

HARPY:  Does this TV usually suck this bad? I want to get the weather network so I can get the forecast!

I took a look out the window from the 49th floor – just as she must have – and I had no choice…

THE HOOK:  It’s raining out.

She stared at the window for a moment, paused to shake her head, and began to giggle slightly as she let loose on yours truly.

HARPY:  I can see that! You’re kind of a dick, aren’t you?

THE HOOK:  Kind of?

Yes, customer service is my specialty.

Let’s return to my funky mood, shall we?

Another sleepless night for The Hook (for all the wrong reasons, I might add), meant I was left to my own devices when it came to filling the time until my body succumbed to Morpheus’ special blend of magic.

So I did what I always do in these situations: I scrolled through the channel menu and giggled at the various adults films offered therein. The best thing about adult fare is the descriptions of the “plot”. For example, let’s look at the description for Naughty Nymphos 16, shall we?

“Horny nymphos get slammed by hard studs.”

Gripping stuff, right? Of course, all nymphos, by virtue of their nature, are horny, aren’t they? And a soft stud wouldn’t have any business being in a porno, would he? Like I said, gripping stuff.

Let’s continue, shall we?

A throwback to the Beach Blanket Bingo movies – but you  know, with oral sex and penetration in multiple orifices – Bree’s Beach Party, is pretty easy to sum up, apparently.

“Horny nymphet Bree Olson and her naughty superstar pals have fun in the sun.”

Sounds almost too vanilla to bother with, doesn’t it? Again, show me a nymphet that isn’t horny and I’ll give you a dollar. Still, this flick couldn’t have been too bad since it spawned two sequels. Bree’s Beach Party 2:

“Sluterrific superstar Bree Olson and her pals are back… to get sand in their dirty parts.”

(Or something like that.)

It’s not exactly Shakespeare, but it pays the bills…

And of course, to close out the epic trilogy, Bree’s Beach Party 3:

“They’re back! Bree Olson and her friends are hotter than the sand under the blazing sun.”

Of course, not all adult films are as highbrow as the Bree’s Beach Party series. Some are downright kinky. For example: Just For Gags 2:

“Willing Vixens get gagged and love it.”

Yes, I realize she isn’t actually gagged, but this is a PG blog – mostly.

I can only assume the production company’s lawyers insisted on the “willing” part. Then there’s the Sexy Squirters series.

“Get out your raincoats! These sexy sluts are ready to pop and they’re aiming for you!”

I have to admit, that one’s pretty witty.

After I had my fill of the adult film synopses I turned to the “On Demand” menu to rescue my evening from disaster. 

(Yes, you’re right, my night wasn’t exactly going to be elevated to epic levels by any televised program, but I’ll take my victories where I can find ‘em, thank you very much.)

And now, my friends, onto the point of this little stroll down Boring Memory Lane.

Just because you’re making porn doesn’t mean you can’t use your imagination. Here’s what I would do if I was writing this stuff…

Bree’s Beach Party:  “She helped Charlie Sheen meltdown, now she’s going to do the same to your junk!”

Bree’s Beach party 2:  “Now with more Bree – and less plot!”

Bree’s Beach Party 3:  “You’re obviously a fan, so what do you care? Quit reading this and get started on that carpal tunnel!”

Sexy Squirters 2:  “More fun than a slip ‘n slide!”

Just For Gags:  “Seriously? You should be ashamed of yourself! Go call your mother… and your therapist.”

And that, kids, is why I’m a blogging bellman and not a screenwriter for Vivid Video.

UPDATE:  My mood has cleared up. I just returned from a room occupied by the world’s perkiest eleven-year-old since Punky Brewster – and her soon-to-be-investigated parental units. Seriously, this little cherub was fresh-faced, with Gerber baby cheeks, a Walmart wardrobe and golden hair tied into pig tails. 

PUNKY BREWSTER 2:  (Greeting me at the door and then quickly hopping onto the bed in a flash.) 

“I’M WATCHING THE LEGO MOVIE!  MY DAD LEFT YOU SOME MONEY NEXT TO THE TV!  HE TOLD ME ‘DON’T LET THE BELL GUY DISTURB YOUR MOMMY AND I DURING OUR ALONE TIME OR I’LL KICK YOUR ASS!”  GOT IT?”

Sure enough, I stood against the door separating the rooms and the sounds of ugly people making the Beast With Two Backs were unmistakeable. Mom and dad were bouncing off one another like two water buffaloes in heat and so my next course of action was a no-brainer.

I dropped off the luggage, scooped up the tip, cranked the TV up and wished my new friend all the best when she inevitably entered therapy.

PUNKY BREWSTER 2:  Do you want to watch the movie with me?

The neglected little angel broke my heart but spending time incarcerated for inappropriate action with a minor has never been in my life plan so I politely declined.

THE HOOK:  Sorry, honey, but a lot of kids your age in the hotel have been watching this movie and if I have to hear “Everything is AWESOME!!!” one more time I may do myself bodily harm.

PUNKY BREWSTER 2:  (Giggling uncontrollably but somewhat calmer.) It really stays in your head, doesn’t it?

THE HOOK:  It sure does. Try and have a good night, young lady.

At that moment, mom screamed from the back room, “YES, STEFAN, YES!”

THE HOOK:  I’m going to go out on a limb here. Your father’s name isn’t Stefan, is it?

PUNKY BREWSTER 2:  No, it’s Harold!

THE HOOK:  Of course it is.

On that note, I shall take my leave of you. See you in the lobby… perverts.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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49 Responses to It’s Freaky Friday… Hook Style.

  1. Poor Punky Brewster :-\

    I read one of the porn descriptions as “horny nymphos get slammed by hard salami” and wanted to know if it was actual or euphemistic lunchmeat.

    I need to sleep, I think.

  2. Crap. I’m not going to be able to watch my bondage beach porn without laughing now.

  3. Anthony says:

    Man, u have a way with words….

  4. I can see why you find your job so boring…wait…I’m confused…:-D

  5. hahahahaha, I love hotel sex as much as the next person, but I can’t do it when my kid could overhear it! Nor could I leave my kid to deal with the bell hop! Parents just suck!

  6. Jo Bryant says:

    It takes all kids.

  7. Lindsay says:

    At least they kept poor Punky Brewster in a separate room. Unfortunately there was a family vacation in my childhood that didn’t leave me with the same good fortune, if you know what I mean.

    You gave me some laughs tonight, Hook. Thank you.

  8. maurnas says:

    Once upon a time I worked customer service for a cable company. Creepy dudes would call in and ask us to read out the titles of those movies. I think they were trying to embarrass or horrify someone. But it never worked on me.

  9. Pyx says:

    Bree’s Beach Party 3: had me laugh out loud.
    You’re not a dick at all, you just play one in a hotel.

  10. 1jaded1 says:

    Another fun day at the rodeo!

    Good call cranking the volume up on the TV.

  11. The Cutter says:

    So who’s Stefan???

  12. Brown Chicken Brown Cow ;-)

  13. Nadia says:

    You had me with your take on Bree #3.

    And in my next life, I want to be a bellman. Fresh juice every day.

  14. girlseule says:

    “Bree’s Beach Party 3: “You’re obviously a fan, so what do you care? Quit reading this and get started on that carpal tunnel!””
    That one really made me laugh.

    Poor Punky Brewster with her inapprops parents!

  15. Sandy sex is the best!

  16. List of X says:

    Are you sure that Punky Brewster parents weren’t just watching one of those Vivid titles? I mean, Stefan does sound like a stud name.

  17. Jennifer says:

    Oh dear. Is there anything else to say. Except that I love your versions of plot lines much better!

  18. Poor Punky B2. There’s nothing like going on a “family” vacation and still having your parents use the TV as a babysitter. I suspect this wasn’t the first time she has heard that song either.

  19. Twindaddy says:

    That song is an earworm with super powers….

  20. Sofia says:

    Dude, you spun me around with all subplots in this post that I don’t even know how to comment. lol
    I’ll go in chronological order.

    1. You made me laugh with the “It’s raining out”
    So what I would have said. :-)
    2. Once I saw the tied up girl I forgot what I was going to say about you porn parodies. You read our blog so I am sure you can understand why… :-)
    3. Poor Punky Brewster I feel sorry for her since her mom has no taste…. Damon is clearly the hotter brother. ;-)

    Hehehehe

    Great post. I enjoyed reading this. :-)
    xox

  21. Do you think Bree is any relation to the twins?

  22. thehobbler says:

    The lego movie is really cute. I’m not sure it can top some of the other movies mentioned. Isn’t there an “Everything Is Awesome” porn out there?

  23. curvyroads says:

    Punky doesn’t stand a chance…sad. But your version of the movie synopses had me laughing out loud. Maybe you should write for Vivid…

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