It’s Friday, I’m in a weird mood and I don’t really feel like writing about the hotel, but I just can’t help myself…
For example, here’s what happened when I encountered a middle-aged harpy whose brain was as decayed as her ovaries.
HARPY: Does this TV usually suck this bad? I want to get the weather network so I can get the forecast!
I took a look out the window from the 49th floor – just as she must have – and I had no choice…
THE HOOK: It’s raining out.
She stared at the window for a moment, paused to shake her head, and began to giggle slightly as she let loose on yours truly.
HARPY: I can see that! You’re kind of a dick, aren’t you?
THE HOOK: Kind of?
Yes, customer service is my specialty.
Let’s return to my funky mood, shall we?
Another sleepless night for The Hook (for all the wrong reasons, I might add), meant I was left to my own devices when it came to filling the time until my body succumbed to Morpheus’ special blend of magic.
So I did what I always do in these situations: I scrolled through the channel menu and giggled at the various adults films offered therein. The best thing about adult fare is the descriptions of the “plot”. For example, let’s look at the description for Naughty Nymphos 16, shall we?
“Horny nymphos get slammed by hard studs.”
Gripping stuff, right? Of course, all nymphos, by virtue of their nature, are horny, aren’t they? And a soft stud wouldn’t have any business being in a porno, would he? Like I said, gripping stuff.
Let’s continue, shall we?
A throwback to the Beach Blanket Bingo movies – but you know, with oral sex and penetration in multiple orifices – Bree’s Beach Party, is pretty easy to sum up, apparently.
“Horny nymphet Bree Olson and her naughty superstar pals have fun in the sun.”
Sounds almost too vanilla to bother with, doesn’t it? Again, show me a nymphet that isn’t horny and I’ll give you a dollar. Still, this flick couldn’t have been too bad since it spawned two sequels. Bree’s Beach Party 2:
“Sluterrific superstar Bree Olson and her pals are back… to get sand in their dirty parts.”
(Or something like that.)
It’s not exactly Shakespeare, but it pays the bills…
And of course, to close out the epic trilogy, Bree’s Beach Party 3:
“They’re back! Bree Olson and her friends are hotter than the sand under the blazing sun.”
Of course, not all adult films are as highbrow as the Bree’s Beach Party series. Some are downright kinky. For example: Just For Gags 2:
“Willing Vixens get gagged and love it.”
Yes, I realize she isn’t actually gagged, but this is a PG blog – mostly.
I can only assume the production company’s lawyers insisted on the “willing” part. Then there’s the Sexy Squirters series.
“Get out your raincoats! These sexy sluts are ready to pop and they’re aiming for you!”
I have to admit, that one’s pretty witty.
After I had my fill of the adult film synopses I turned to the “On Demand” menu to rescue my evening from disaster.
(Yes, you’re right, my night wasn’t exactly going to be elevated to epic levels by any televised program, but I’ll take my victories where I can find ‘em, thank you very much.)
And now, my friends, onto the point of this little stroll down Boring Memory Lane.
Just because you’re making porn doesn’t mean you can’t use your imagination. Here’s what I would do if I was writing this stuff…
Bree’s Beach Party: “She helped Charlie Sheen meltdown, now she’s going to do the same to your junk!”
Bree’s Beach party 2: “Now with more Bree – and less plot!”
Bree’s Beach Party 3: “You’re obviously a fan, so what do you care? Quit reading this and get started on that carpal tunnel!”
Sexy Squirters 2: “More fun than a slip ‘n slide!”
Just For Gags: “Seriously? You should be ashamed of yourself! Go call your mother… and your therapist.”
And that, kids, is why I’m a blogging bellman and not a screenwriter for Vivid Video.
UPDATE: My mood has cleared up. I just returned from a room occupied by the world’s perkiest eleven-year-old since Punky Brewster – and her soon-to-be-investigated parental units. Seriously, this little cherub was fresh-faced, with Gerber baby cheeks, a Walmart wardrobe and golden hair tied into pig tails.
PUNKY BREWSTER 2: (Greeting me at the door and then quickly hopping onto the bed in a flash.)
“I’M WATCHING THE LEGO MOVIE! MY DAD LEFT YOU SOME MONEY NEXT TO THE TV! HE TOLD ME ‘DON’T LET THE BELL GUY DISTURB YOUR MOMMY AND I DURING OUR ALONE TIME OR I’LL KICK YOUR ASS!” GOT IT?”
Sure enough, I stood against the door separating the rooms and the sounds of ugly people making the Beast With Two Backs were unmistakeable. Mom and dad were bouncing off one another like two water buffaloes in heat and so my next course of action was a no-brainer.
I dropped off the luggage, scooped up the tip, cranked the TV up and wished my new friend all the best when she inevitably entered therapy.
PUNKY BREWSTER 2: Do you want to watch the movie with me?
The neglected little angel broke my heart but spending time incarcerated for inappropriate action with a minor has never been in my life plan so I politely declined.
THE HOOK: Sorry, honey, but a lot of kids your age in the hotel have been watching this movie and if I have to hear “Everything is AWESOME!!!” one more time I may do myself bodily harm.
PUNKY BREWSTER 2: (Giggling uncontrollably but somewhat calmer.) It really stays in your head, doesn’t it?
THE HOOK: It sure does. Try and have a good night, young lady.
At that moment, mom screamed from the back room, “YES, STEFAN, YES!”
THE HOOK: I’m going to go out on a limb here. Your father’s name isn’t Stefan, is it?
PUNKY BREWSTER 2: No, it’s Harold!
THE HOOK: Of course it is.
On that note, I shall take my leave of you. See you in the lobby… perverts.